This
story takes up where the third
series left off
for Helen and Nikki. This was posted to my site on July 2nd,
2005.
“Have a wonderful night.”
Helen Stewart offered a
tremulous
smile and turned away, disappearing into the crowd. Nikki watched
her go,
feeling her heart break one more time…one final time where Helen was
concerned. She'd probably never see her
again.
Helen was on her way home to be with Thomas Waugh, the senior
medical
official for Larkhall prison, and there was no place in her life for
Nikki.
Larkhall
was where Nikki had spent the last five years, and where she
undoubtedly
would
still be if it weren’t for Helen.
Convicted
of murdering a police officer who had been trying to rape her
girlfriend, Nikki Wade had been freed
this very
day on appeal, her sentence reduced to manslaughter with provocation,
three
years and time served. Helen had met Nikki in prison while
working there
as the wing governor, and had been instrumental in making the appeal
happen.
In a way, this was as much a victory and vindication for the prison
service
officer as it was for the freed inmate.
It should
be the happiest day of Nikki’s life,
but catching the last glimpse of Helen as she slipped out
the
door, Nikki didn’t think she would ever be truely happy again.
Around
her, the music played loudly, and
people who had come out in support of her thronged the dance floor of
the club
she owned with her business partner and ex-girlfriend, Trisha.
The
celebration tasted like ashes in her mouth, and blinking back the
tears in
her eyes, she swallowed hard against the lump in her throat.
Moving as if drugged, she returned to where Trisha was waiting
for her at the
bar.
Picking
up her bottle of beer, Nikki forced a bit of a smile, hoping it didn’t
look as
pained as it felt. “Let’s get blasted,” she said with deliberate
cheer.
Trisha let out a small expulsion of breath that was almost but not quite a laugh. “Don’t get too pissed.”
Startled,
Nikki looked at her. The woman, blonde and beautiful with level
blue
eyes, had been a part of Nikki’s life for a long time. They had
spent
seven years together before Nikki’s incarceration, and then two more
before
time, distance and sheer loneliness had caused Trisha to turn to
someone
else. They had ended their
romantic relationship, but the
friendship remained. Trisha had also beenl part
of the appeal process, lobbying, working up
petitions, and
drumming up publicity to address the unfair sentence Nikki had
received.
She was there in the appeals court every day, a solid presence of
support, and
when the judge freed Nikki, she had been the first to reach her,
pulling her
into a warm embrace.
Earlier,
they had talked about resuming their relationship, of starting over and
trying
again. Nikki’s heart was with Helen, but it was clear that was
a road
that led nowhere, and she still loved Trisha in her own way. She
had
toasted to new beginnings, not promising anything, but willing to give
it a try
at least. It was better than the alternative.
“What?”
Nikki hesitated, and then realized that perhaps Trisha wanted her
upright and
semi-sober for the rest of the night. She dipped her head
sheepishly,
reaching out to sling her arm around the blonde’s shoulders.
“Love you,
Babes.”
To her
surprise, Trisha deliberately reached up and pushed Nikki’s arm off
her, easing
away from the clumsy embrace. She lifted her head, offering a
gaze that
was both regretful and compassionate.
“If you
run, you can still catch her.”
Nikki
stared at her, stricken, and then, unable to hold her gaze, she looked
away. “She’s not interested in me.”
Nikki held the look a few seconds more, and then put her hand lightly on Trisha’s shoulder before moving past her, hurrying for the door. Had she looked back, she might have seen the fleeting expression of heartbreak on Trisha’s face as she picked up the bottle of champagne and drank directly from it. But Nikki was too intent on finding the woman she loved, on pursuing the hope that had re-blossomed within her chest.
The hope
died as
she rushed out onto the pavement, seeing the black shape of a cab drive
away
and the last tantalizing glimpse of a woman’s head in the back
seat. She
stared after it in despair, wondering how she could possibly survive
this roller
coaster
of elation and anguish that she’d been on since her release.
“You
looking for someone?”
The
Scottish accent was distinct, and
Nikki’s heart fluttered in her chest as she whirled to see Helen
standing on
the pavement. Her thoughts were giddy. She waited,
she
thought. Then dark reality imposed itself. Perhaps
she’d just
missed that cab and was waiting for another.
Forcing a smile, she walked toward her,
searching for a poise that
seemed
beyond her reach. Helen Stewart was not a particularly tall
woman, nor
was she strikingly beautiful. Her loveliness was one that grew on
people
the more they were in her presence, and it was a powerful presence, one
of
boundless energy and passion. She was dressed in black pants and
a red
leather jacket over a black cotton shirt. Shining hair fell
lightly to
her collar, curling slightly, darkish with blonde highlights and her
eyes…oh
god, her eyes. Nikki felt as if she were drowning in them every
time she
looked into the greenish irises, flecked with gold and rimmed with
brown, as
wonderful and complicated as the woman herself.
Nikki wanted
to play it cool, wanted to conceal the surge of
delight at
the sight of her. “Thought
it was a bit rude not to ask you to stay for a drink.” After
all, she had to come up with some kind of explanation for rushing out
onto the
street like a mad woman.
“Well, I
figured if I waited out here long enough…”
Helen’s
tone was playful and Nikki didn’t quite know what was going on…and was
too
afraid to speculate. “So…do you want to
come back in?”
“Could stay for one, I suppose.”
Helen’s
playful expression altered as they looked at each other.
“Thomas
and I split up.” She paused, her eyes searching Nikki’s
face. “I’ve
been such an idiot, Nikki.”
Nikki felt her heart sink. The woman just needed a shoulder, just as she’d provided so many times before during their impossible friendship in prison.
“I know
what you’re saying,” she said, turning her head, unable to meet her
eyes in
case Helen saw how much she was hurting. That’s all they were,
friends,
even though for one brief time, Nikki had thought…had dreamed…it could
be more.
The harsh reality of the bars between them ended it
all and
Helen found a man to love, making it clear that was that
she
wanted, not anything Nikki could offer.
Helen
took a step closer. “No, let me say it. Thomas is
gorgeous.
He’s everything you could want in a man.” She paused, her gaze
both
afraid and longing at the same time. “But I want a woman.”
Helen
smiled. “Yeah, dead slow.”
Nikki lifted her hand to touch the soft hair, feeling Helen grasp the lapels of her black coat, pulling her closer and lifting her face in unmistakable invitation. Closing her eyes, Nikki leaned forward into the kiss, sinking into the soft lips and tender mouth, still afraid to completely surrender to it, in case it was all nothing more than a dream.
Helen
wouldn’t let her hold back, pressing into her and deepening the second
kiss,
the touch of her tongue on Nikki’s fleeting but very real. Nikki
drew
back, looking at her with wonder, and Helen smiled before glancing
around. Belatedly, Nikki realized they were in the middle of the
pavement
with pedestrians walking past, and with a wry grin, she drew Helen over
to the
entryway of a nearby building, turning to lean against the smooth
surface of
polished concrete. Helen moved against her easily, settling into
the
embrace as if it was exactly
where she belonged…as if she had never left it.
She felt
so good in her arms, and Nikki
didn’t know whether to laugh or cry as they kissed and kissed until she
thought
she would perish from the sheer bliss of it. Helen’s scent
was
intoxicating in her nostrils, feminine, with a hint of perfume and some
fragrance
that was uniquely her own. The sound of her breath and soft
murmurs were
music to her ears, so strong that Nikki wasn’t entirely sure
what
she was saying between the kisses. The touch of her hands on
Nikki’s neck
and face left tingling patterns wherever they went, and the taste of
her was so
familiar, and yet so incredibly new and wonderful,
that Nikki couldn’t get enough of it.
Her
senses were overwhelmed and suddenly, she felt dizzy. If it
weren’t for
the solid structure at her back holding her up and Helen supporting her from the front, she
probably would
have collapsed. As Nikki
tilted forward, Helen needed a bit of muscle
to push
her back against the building.
“Nikki?”
Blinking,
her blood roaring in her ears, Nikki actually needed a moment to
refocus,
pulling in long shuddering breaths of cold London air, flavored
liberally with
car exhaust. Helen’s voice sounded as if it were coming from a
significant distance away.
“Are you
all right?”
Finally,
the roaring subsided, and the blackness edging her vision slowly
receded. Confused, Nikki looked into Helen’s concerned
features.
“I’m…” She
began, hesitated, swallowed against a parched throat and shook her head
slightly to clear it. “I don’t know…I just felt a bit lightheaded
suddenly. I’m sorry…”
“Don’t
be.” Helen's tone altered, becoming
subtly
professional. “What happens next, Nikki?”
Still not feeling herself, Nikki frowned.
“Huh? What
do you mean?”
“I mean, what are
your
plans now? I know you’re having the party. What about
afterward? Where were you planning to stay tonight?” Helen
lifted her borws. “Have you eaten recently?”
Nikki
felt embarrassed and wasn’t quite sure why, trying to figure out which
of the questions
to answer first. She took them in reverse order. “Uh, not
since
breakfast at Larkhall.”
“It’s the middle of the afternoon. How
much have
you had to drink?”
“Some
champagne. A pint or two.” She felt defensive. “I’m
not
drunk.”
“Maybe
not, but you’re not entirely sober either.” Helen put her
fingers beneath Nikki’s chin, lifting her face slightly as she studied
it. “Do you have a place to stay?”
“I suppose…probably Trisha thought I was
going home
with her
tonight but that’s not going to happen now. I reckon I’ll get a
hotel
room somewhere.” The reality of it started to impose itself and
she felt
a shiver of something she didn’t recognize go through her.
Helen
still had that concerned look on her face. “Will you come home
with me?”
“I’m not
sure I’ll do you much good at the moment, Helen,” Nikki said in a low
voice, feeling absurdly shy and
uncertain all of a sudden.
Helen
blinked, and then smiled ruefully. “That wasn’t exactly what I
had in
mind. I’m just offering you a place to stay until you figure out
what to
do next. Do you want to come with me now?”
Nikki
couldn’t think of a better offer that could come her way.
“I’d love
to.”
She forced herself to deal with what was
happening, wondering if
her last really coherent moment had been on the steps of the Appeals
court when
she gave her speech to the press, thanking the one woman who had
believed in
her, who had been there for her no matter how tough things got…the woman
who was now standing beside her, taking her arm and leading her away
from the
shelter of the overhang.
“Come on,
Nikki. Is there anything you need from the club?”
Nikki
felt oddly detached. She was functioning,
but
everything she did, everything she said, took an effort, a few seconds
of
concentrated thought before she reacted. It was very odd and
disconcerting.
“Uh, the
bag I brought from Larkhall. It’s in the office.”
“Okay.
Let’s go."
Helen
knew that Nikki wasn’t
entirely
together at the moment. It had been too many hours since she’d
eaten,
there was a significant amount of alcohol in her system and the reality
of
being free was finally starting to sink in. The whole situation
was heady
enough for Helen, and she’d had been on the outside all these years.
For Nikki,
it must be completely overwhelming.
Back in the nightclub, the music hit the women like a blow, loud and
pulsing
after the relative quiet of the city street outside. Nikki took
the lead,
easing through the people with an ease that was borne of long practice
and
familiarity, careful not to confront anyone by making eye contact, yet
still
making her way past quickly and efficiently, a skill that was
invaluable in the
close confines of Larkhall. Helen trailed in her wake as they
made it to
the bar where Trisha waited, an indecipherable
look on her face.
“Taking off, are you?”
There was
almost, but not quite, something
of an edge in her tone, and Helen realized that Trisha was still in
love with Nikki, but the challenge in her gaze as
she
glanced at her was no longer present.
It was
as if Trisha knew she had lost any chance she had, and there was
nothing left
to fight for. Helen felt sorry for her, and humbled by the
knowledge that
finally, Nikki could be hers, without any need for restraint or fear of
reprisal…provided of course, that they
could deal with all they had been through together and put it into
proper
perspective before starting their relationship anew.
For now,
she, like Nikki, was just getting through it one moment at a time.
Trisha
led them to the office at the rear of the club. It was small and
cramped
but with the door shut, the music and crowd noise was dulled to a
manageable
background murmur. A large,
clear, plastic bag sat on the old wooden desk. Filled with a few meager
possessions, it was what all inmates carried away from Larkhall. Helen felt a tiny
twinge in the vicinity of her heart when she saw the paperback book
resting on
the small, neatly folded pile of clothing. Sophie’s World had
been the
first book Helen had given to Nikki,
and had she known where that simple gesture would lead…well,
she’d do it
again in a heartbeat.
Of
course, the book in the bag wasn’t the original. That had been
destroyed
in a fire in Nikki’s cell. Helen had given her another copy later, and it pleased her that she still had it,
especially since she’d believed it had been taken
from
Nikki during an unfortunate incident with Jim Fenner. The same set of
circumstances that had resulted in Helen being forced to resign as
Larkhall’s
acting number one.
There was
an acid taste in the back of Helen’s throat at the thought of
the
corrupt prison guard, and with an effort, she swallowed it back,
shoving the
memories away from her. There was a lot of emotional damage left
over
from the prison, and both women
would eventually need to address it,
but now was not the time. It was still too immediate, too raw,
and in any
event, Nikki’s adjustment to being outside was the more pressing issue.
Helen
would deal with her own baggage in her own time.
Trisha
went behind the desk, and from
some obscure corner by a filing cabinet,
managed to find a small
sports
equipment bag.
“Here,
‘Nik, put your stuff in this.”
Gratefully,
Nikki transferred her belongings from the plastic bag into the satchel
as
Trisha opened the top drawer of her desk and pulled out her
purse. From
that, she drew out a wallet and handed it over to Nikki who glanced at
it with
surprise.
“It’s
yours,” Trisha explained evenly. “You asked me to bring it to
court and I
forgot to give it to you until now. There’s a grand
in cash
to get you started. I made sure all your cards are all up to
date. There’s a ten thousand pound limit on the small ones, a fifty
thou
on the
three main ones.”
Helen
blinked at the amount but didn’t say anything. Besides, it was clear
that both
Trisha and Nikki seemed to think that was business as usual.
“I can’t tell you how
much I
appreciate this, Trish.” Nikki's voice was thick with
emotion.
“It
meant so much to me to see you in court, not to mention everything else
you’ve
done for me. Thank you so much.” She reached out and
wrapped her
arms around her.
Trisha
returned the embrace, hugging her back tightly as she rested her chin
on
Nikki’s shoulder. For an instant, Helen saw the impassive mask break and the conflicting joy and pain
that lay beneath. Then Trisha was composed once more, offering
Nikki another smile that never quite reached her eyes as
they
separated.
“You’re
welcome, ‘Nik. Take care. We’ll get together next week and
go over
some club business, but in the
meantime, you have a good time.”
Nikki
kissed her lightly on the mouth. “I will. Give my regrets
to
everyone.”
“Oh, the party will go on quite well without
you.”
Nikki
smiled and picked up her bag. “See ya, babes.”
Trisha
stayed behind in the office as the two women left, and
Helen found herself wondering about the expression she had seen
on her face. There was no question Trisha was hurting, and
Helen
wasn’t sure what she would do next. In fact, she felt
concerned enough
to say something to Nikki, but she had stopped to talk to two of her
supporter
and Helen had to wait.
“Nikki, you can’t be leaving already?”
“Hey, places to go and
things to
do.” Nikki lifted her brows airily.
The heavyset woman with graying hair glanced at
Helen and smirked a little.
“I’ll bet you have things to do.”
The other woman, also heavyset but taller and
clearly her partner, nudged her warningly and she subsided.
“It’s so great…everything that’s happened.”
“It is.” Nikki glanced back at the office.
“Listen, Ginny, Lydia … would
you mind
keeping an eye on Trish tonight? I don’t think she should be on
her own.”
Lydia
frowned slightly, glanced at Helen again, and an enlightened
expression
crossed her dark eyes. “Of course, Nik. Ginny and I will
take good
care of her.”
“Thanks.
I owe you.” Nikki hugged the heavyset woman, and did the same to
the
other. Then she looked back at Helen. “Ready to go?”
Impressed that Nikki could still think of others
at a time like this,
Helen followed as she led her through the crowd and out
the
door. The air on the street seemed crisp and refreshing after
the
smoky atmosphere in the bar, and
she inhaled deeply as Nikki glanced at her expectantly.
“My car’s parked around the corner.”
She kept half an eye on Nikki as they walked
around the
block and found the red Peugeot 306. Nikki continued to be silent
as she
slipped into the passenger side after tossing her bag into the back
seat.
Helen didn’t try to fill the void with useless conversation. Instead,
she
simply started the car and pulled away from the curb, merging into
traffic.
The drive
to Helen’s flat took almost forty-five minutes. Nikki spent most
of it
staring out the passenger window, watching it all as if she had never
seen it
before. In truth, she hadn’t seen it for five years, other than
one
desperate night when she escaped from Larkhall
and took a bus to Helen’s flat where they made frantic love
before she
had to return to the prison. There wasn’t really the opportunity
to do
much sightseeing during that little excursion.
Helen let
her be; content to glance over now and again to make sure she was all
right. She couldn’t get over how chic Nikki looked in her black
Armani suit
and silk shirt, a completely different image from the one projected by
the
shapeless clothes that she’d worn as an inmate.
Parked
outside the South London flat, Nikki apparently became aware of Helen’s
subtle
scrutiny because she offered a wan smile as they got out of the
car.
“Coming
here certainly brings back some memories,” she said as she
retrieved her
bag from the back.
Helen
returned the smile. “Hopefully, you’ll be able to stay a bit
longer this
time.”
“That
would be a change.”
The words
were light between them, even a bit flirtatious, but there were shadows
in
those brown eyes and Helen suspected they’d be there for quite some
time.
God knew, she still saw them in her own eyes every morning when she
looked at
her reflection in the bathroom mirror.
Nikki
looked troubled. “I’m not sure.”
“Okay,”
Helen responded easily. “Can I get you something to eat?
You must
be hungry by now.”
“Yeah, that would be great.” Nikki
hesitated, a furrow
marring
the smoothness of her forehead. “Do you mind if I take a
shower? I
want to get out of these clothes. They smell of smoke.”
“Of
course. You know where it is. I’ll get you some towels.”
While
Nikki carried her bag into the small bathroom at the end of the hall,
Helen
went to the linen closet and gathered the fluffiest, softest towels she
owned. The bathroom door was still open as Nikki stood by the
tub,
removing her watch and rings. Her jacket was draped over the
sink.
Helen put the towels on the shelf over the toilet.
“Enjoy
it,” she suggested gently. “There’s no time limit here, and I
have plenty
of hot water.”
Nikki
lifted her head and blinked, as if the thought had not occurred to
her.
She smiled slowly. At Larkhall, an inmate had only so much time
to soap
up and rinse off before the hot water shut off, and even then, the
water wasn’t
always particularly hot to begin with. Helen realized it was the
first
genuine and uninhibited expression that she had seen from Nikki in
a while.
“I’ll
just hang this up in my closet,” she added, taking Nikki’s jacket
before closing the bathroom door.
Out in
the kitchen, she looked over her larder, trying to figure out what to
feed
someone who had been subsisting on prison food for the past five
years.
She wanted to whip up a gourmet feast, something special and worthy of
being
Nikki’s first meal of freedom, but both lack of ingredients and common
sense prevented it. It was unlikely Nikki’s
digestive system would be up for anything so extravagant.
From down
the hall, Helen heard the first rush of water in the shower, and she
had to
close her eyes, imagining the lanky form soaping up beneath the spray
of water,
the play of muscles and sinew beneath that smooth skin. Despite
her
intention not to rush anything, she felt her nipples harden against her
shirt
and a soft rush of moisture between her legs. Though the first to admit
that
she’d enjoyed sex with her share of men, she’d never truly made love
until the
night Nikki had escaped, never had anyone touch her so deeply in her
soul that
it made all other encounters pale in comparison. There had never
been
anyone in her life whom she
wanted the way she now wanted Nikki.
It was
ironic, because it was her time with Thomas that really showed her the
difference. He was a good man, handsome, considerate, kind, even
funny,
but one night in his bed had shown her just how bad it was going to be
with
anyone other than Nikki. Sex without love left
Helen
feeling empty and unfulfilled, and knowing that the one
person she did love was locked up behind bars only exacerbated
the desolation in her heart. She supposed she was fortunate that
she had
been able to spend so many late nights trying to track down
Fenner.
Spending long hours in her car, cold and uncomfortable as she kept a
variety of
brothels and strip clubs under surveillance,
prevented her from having to fake it too many times with
Thomas.
The realization made her flush with shame, not only at her own stubborn
denial
of her true self, but at how shabbily she had treated the doctor.
She
caught her breath as she realized what a truly precious gift she’d been
given
with this second chance. Nikki could have just as easily told her
to sod
off, could have returned the hurt Helen had caused so many times with a
final crushing rejection of her own.
Blinking
back tears at the thought, Helen began to pull out the fixings for
sandwiches,
hoping that Nikki liked tuna fish.
Despite
Nikki’s intention to luxuriate beneath the hot water after five years
of tepid
temperatures, old habits died hard. Part of it was due to her
carefully
not thinking beyond the moment. When she did, it all became a bit
much
and threatened to overwhelm her. As long as she kept her mind
ghosting
over inconsequential things, she didn’t feel any tightness in her
chest, or any
of the panic that rose like a choking cloud within her. Before
she quite
realized it, she had soaped up, rinsed off, shampooed her hair using
the bottle
already present in the shower, and washed it out. She did make a
brief
attempt to enjoy the water, but after a moment, she started to feel a
bit
ridiculous just standing there, so she
switched off the taps and climbed out of the tub.
The towels were certainly a big improvement,
though. She dried herself off slowly, enjoying the feel of soft
terrycloth on her skin and the way it smelled, a fragrant sort of
freshness
that no towel in Larkhall would ever have. From her satchel, she
drew out
some underwear, a pair of jeans and a black t-shirt. Dressing
quickly,
she felt more comfortable in the same clothes she had worn in prison
though she
wasn’t sure why. Perhaps it was because the Armani suit didn’t
quite fit
the same way anymore, hanging off her rather than draping
gracefully. She wondered if that was because she had lost weight
in prison,
or if five years had changed her body language so much that she was no
longer
able to wear nice clothes the way the designer intended them to be worn.
After
glancing around to make sure the two damp towels she’d used were spread
out
neatly over the shower rod to dry, she left the bathroom. She
wasn’t
quite sure where she should put her bag. Putting it in the
bedroom seemed
a bit presumptuous in a way, so she placed it next to the sofa out in
the
living room. She stood there a moment more before she realized
that she
was waiting for someone to tell her what to do next. Flushing,
she shook herself and went looking for Helen.
Helen was
in the small kitchen, placing utensils, glasses and small plates on the
table. There was a tin of chicken soup heating on the stove, and
several
sandwiches stacked up on a larger plate on the sideboard. Not a
particularly inspired meal, but then Nikki allowed that perhaps her
stomach
couldn’t handle anything more complex. It smelled good, at least.
Helen
glanced over at her. “I hope you like tuna.”
Nikki
stirred her soup idly with her spoon. “Thank you for this."
“Just opened a few tins. It didn’t require
a lot
of
effort.”
“No, I mean…giving me a place to stay.”
Nikki struggled to find the words. “And letting me be.” She
lifted her
eyes to meet Helen’s, seeing only compassion and understanding in their
greenish depths.
“You’ve
had an extremely busy day, Nikki. Don’t
forget,
only this morning, you were in your cell, not knowing what was going to
happen
to you at the Appeals court. Now you’re free and it’s all
supposed
to be
over, but we both know it’s not easy to leave something like that in
the past.”
Nikki
absorbed the words, thinking about what they meant. Despite being
on the other side of the bars, Helen had a few bad
memories
of her own while in Larkhall, and she wondered how well she was
dealing with them. Undoubtedly better than Nikki was, but it gave
her the
sense that Helen truly did empathize
with what was happening to her, and it made it easier somehow.
“Even
now, it feels like a dream,” she admitted softly. “Like I’m going
to wake
up any minute and find myself back in my cell.” She had to stop,
her
chest seizing, and she deliberately took a spoonful of soup, refocusing
her
concentration on that uncomplicated act. She couldn’t get over
how good
the simple fare tasted, which only proved how truly awful the food had
been in
the prison.
“Nikki, right now you’re exhausted…physically,
mentally,
and emotionally. I just want you to know that whatever
is going
to happen between us will do so in its own time and place. I’m
not going
to try to speed up the process. Neither should you.”
“Meaning
we don’t get to shag like bunnies tonight?” Nikki asked,
though she
was a little surprised to discover how relieved she was. Not
because she
didn’t want Helen, because she most certainly did, but just the thought
of all
the energy required to be physical with the smaller woman left her
feeling
tired instead of turned on.
“Sounds good to me.” Actually, it sounded
fantastic
and Nikki had to blink back the tears that suddenly stung her
eyes. There
were no
reserves left, she discovered. Every emotion, every feeling was
so on
edge that it was a wonder she was still functioning.
After
they finished dinner, Helen made tea and they took their mugs out to
the back
garden where a white cast iron table and chair set was arranged by the
small potting
shed. The autumn sun was setting and Nikki looked around at the
garden
that was
showing more than a little neglect. The grass was cut, but the
bushes were
inexpertly trimmed, leaving them ragged, while the beds boasted more
weeds than flowers. Nikki itched to get her hands on them.
“Who does
your work?” she asked, indicating the nearest flowerbed.
Helen
offered a wintry smile as she sipped her tea. “I’m afraid I’ve
let it go
somewhat since Sean moved out. I had the
teenage boy next door cut the grass and keep things tidy over the
summer but not much beyond that.”
“Maybe I could give it a go. Work off my
bread
and board.”
Helen seemed
about ready to say something, paused, and then nodded. “Sure. It
could use the attention.”
Nikki
took a mouthful of tea and fought back a nicotine craving. She
wanted a
cigarette but everything smelled so good that she didn’t want to cover
it over
with smoke. Instead, she absorbed the scent of earth and the
faint trace of smoke from leaves burning somewhere in the neighborhood.
A small breeze stirred in the branches of nearby trees, rattling them
slightly in a lonely sound of approaching winter. Helen’s street was
quiet, with only the occasional
hum of a
passing car and the faint yells of kids playing not far off to break
the serenity. It was a far cry from the harsh clang of
metal
doors, and the strident voices of guards and inmates shouting at each
other. For the first time in years, Nikki felt a certain
semblance of
peace settle over her, and as it did,
the last of her fragile poise vanished.
Nikki
cried for a several moments, and then took a few shuddering breaths to
bring herself back under control. “I don’t know why I did that.”
“Because
you needed to,” Helen told her quietly as she gently rubbed the small
of
Nikki’s back under her coat and through her t-shirt.
“There’s no reference for
this,
Nikki. There’s no right or wrong way for how you’re supposed to
act and
feel after all you’ve been through.”
Finally
calm, Nikki straightened, wiping her eyes on a tissue. “This is
the wing governor I'm talking to, isn’t it?”
“Well, I’d hate to think that everything I’ve
learned
in my
courses in university and during my prison service was wasted.”
Helen touched Nikki’s cheek with her fingertips, stroking the skin
lightly. “Especially if I couldn’t use that knowledge to help the
woman I
love.”
“Who
helps you?” Nikki wasn’t sure where that came from, but it was
out of her mouth before she realized it.
Helen
froze, her eyes going dark, but after a few seconds, she swallowed and
nodded,
apparently allowing the point. “I suppose I work it out on my
own.”
“You
don’t have to,” Nikki said quickly. “Look, Helen I don’t have any
degrees, but I know what it was like in Larkhall. I’ll listen to
anything
you have to say, and I promise, I won’t go off no matter what.
I’ll just…I’ll be here, you know?”
“Okay, I reckon we’ll work it
all out
together then.” Helen smiled. It was small
but genuine. “You might regret the offer.”
“I’ll never regret
anything I do with you…except when I hurt you.”
“Ah, Nikki…” Helen lowered her eyes.
“I’m the one who hurt you…” She exhaled audibly. “I suppose
we’ll
have to work that out as well.”
“We don’t have to
do
it tonight.”
“No, not
tonight.”
Helen shivered suddenly. Now
that
the sun had gone down, the temperature had cooled as well. Winter
was approaching quickly, and although the day had been unusually fine,
the night boasted a frosty
nip.
Nikki
didn’t feel chilled, but then, she was used to more extreme ranges of
hot and
cold. Larkhall wasn’t exactly state of the art, constructed of
cement and
old stone that was decades old. Freezing in the winter and
stifling in
the summer, spring and fall were the only times it had been reasonably
pleasant
to exist inside its walls…at least, where temperature was concerned.
“We should go inside."
Helen nodded, crossing her arms and rubbing her biceps through the red
leather coat. “I reckon
I
should have brought out a heavier jacket. We don’t
have to go
in until you’re ready.”
Nikki shrugged. “I’ll have plenty of time to play around in the
great
outdoors.”
Helen rinsed the mugs in the sink and put
them with
the rest of the dishes from dinner that were already in the
dishwasher.
After turning on the appliance, she wiped her hands on a dishcloth
before going
into the living room where Nikki was sitting on the sofa. She
was leaning forward, forearms resting on her thighs, her gaze distant
and
thoughtful as she stared across the room.
Helen took a seat next to her and leaned back against the cushions,
suddenly
very aware of the anticipation and desire within her body, especially
with
Nikki being so close, but she ruthlessly forced it back to where it was
manageable. She was absolutely not going to rush this, nor was
she going
to do anything to put Nikki in an awkward position. For
once,
this was going to be all about what Nikki wanted and needed, not how
the
situation affected Helen or her position of authority.
“Fancy a
bit of telly?”
Nikki
glanced at her. “Sure. I have no clue what’s on after
eight.”
She
wouldn’t. Lockup forced all the inmates back into their cells in
the
evening and none of them were allowed a personal television, not even
those on
enhanced.
After
switching it on and finding a show she thought Nikki might enjoy, Helen
snuggled up against her side, pleased when Nikki slipped
an arm
around her shoulders and drew her close. She doubted
that
either of them was particularly involved in the program about two
policewomen
tracking down crime in suburbia, but it was nice to sit together, their
bodies
touching, basking in the other’s warmth and not having to think about
anything
in particular but the light entertainment in front of them.
Helen’s head
rested on Nikki’s shoulder, her hand lying lightly on her stomach with
Nikki’s,
their fingers entwined, while her other arm was snug between Nikki’s
lower
back and the sofa cushions. Turned slightly, she had her knees
drawn up
on the sofa, tucked beneath her, and occasionally, she felt the brush
of
Nikki’s lips over her forehead.
It felt
so incredibly wonderful that Helen thought she could stay like this
forever,
and it made her realize how long she had been existing in a state of
chaos,
living on the edge as she worked herself into a state of exhaustion, so
intent
on bringing down Jim Fenner that she’d neglected to eat properly and
get enough
sleep. This period of adjustment for Nikki was going to give her
a chance
to rest and heal from everything as well, and she was grateful for it.
“Those
two should just get it on with each other instead of worrying so much
about
finding a man,” Nikki said suddenly, surprising Helen. She didn’t think
she'd been watching that closely.
“I think
the brunette likes her boss.” The names of the characters
completely
escaped Helen at the moment.
“So does
the blonde, actually. If one of them
ends up
with him, then the other will hate her for it. Typical straight
girl
stuff.”
“Not
anything I relate to anymore."
Nikki
dipped her head to look at Helen. “You’re
sure about
that now, are you?”
Helen
hugged her. “Absolutely positive. No more backsliding,
Nikki, I
promise.”
“Good.”
There was
forcefulness to the word that indicated strong emotion still existed
where
Thomas was concerned, but Helen wasn’t going to try to draw it from her
tonight. There would be lots of time for that in the future.
Instead, she
settled down against her once more as the next program started.
“This is
more your type of show,” Nikki commented as she watched.
“Because
it takes place in Scotland? Not many lairds
around
where I grew up.”
“No?”
By the
end of it, both women were yawning, the soporific effect of the show
working
its magic, not to mention the shots of the spectacular Scottish
scenery.
Helen sat up, untangling gently from Nikki and lifting her arms over
her head
in a long, luxurious stretch.
“God,
it’s been a long day.”
Nikki
watched her curiously. “Where do you want me to sleep? On
the
sofa?”
“Don’t be
ridiculous. I want you with me,” Helen said immediately, and
smiled
at Nikki’s expression, part interest and part uncertainty.
“Honestly, Nikki, I’m so tired that sleep is
about
all I’m good for.”
“Pity.”
Helen
shot her an amused glance. “You don’t fool me. You’re
barely awake
now.”
Nikki
offered a bashful look that Helen thought was absolutely
adorable. “I
think I did doze off about midway through the show. Pathetic,
isn’t it?”
Helen
directed Nikki to use the bathroom first while she changed
the
sheets on the bed, putting on fresh linens. Then she traded
places with her, finishing up her ablutions before pulling on a gold
satin
robe. Back in the bedroom, Nikki was hovering uncertainly by the
bed, dressed
in a sleeveless shirt and sweatpants. The heaviness of the outfit
did not
surprise Helen. Inmates tended to sleep in garments that would
also work
as everyday clothing, in case they were unexpectedly and
unceremoniously
dragged from bed in the middle of the night…a far more common
occurrence
than Helen
liked to admit.
“What’re
you waiting for?” Helen lifted a brow at her as she drew back the
covers
of the bed.
“Just
wasn’t sure which side was yours,” Nikki told her evenly. “We
never did actually sleep together.”
“This is the side I prefer.” Helen took off the robe, tossed it on a nearby chair and slipped naked between the sheets on the side of the bed closest to her, glancing back at Nikki expectantly.
Nikki was
still standing there, her expression impossible to read as she regarded
Helen. Perhaps she was taken aback by the other woman’s unselfconscious
lack of
bedclothes, but she didn’t say anything. Instead, she carefully
removed her own garments, laying them neatly over Helen’s
robe. Walking around the foot of the bed, graceful in her nakedness,
she
climbed into
the side nearest the wall, the mattress dipping as her slight weight
was added
to it.
Helen let
out the breath she’d been holding, pleased that Nikki had followed her
lead. She swore she wasn’t going to push, but she still wanted to
feel
Nikki’s skin against her own, even if nothing came of it. “All
set?”
“Yeah,” Nikki said quietly. She was lying
on her back, covers
drawn up to
her neck.
Helen
reached over to the bedside table and turned out the light.
Darkness
descended, alleviated only by the dim glow of the streetlight outside
that
filtered in through the blinds on the front window. They lay in
silence
for a while, listening to each other breathe.
“Are you
okay?” Helen asked very softly after a while, unsure if Nikki was
asleep or
not. She didn’t want to disturb her if that was the case.
The
answer came back immediately. “I’m fine.”
Helen
moistened her upper lip with her tongue. “Mind if I snuggle up a
bit?”
“I thought you’d never ask.” The tone was
very
laconic and Helen smiled.
They met
in the center of the bed, each rolling to face the other. Helen
almost
cried out from the sheer delight of having the warm length of Nikki
finally
pressed against her body, and managed to swallow it back. Nikki
wasn’t
quite so reticent. Her moan was soft in her ear, sending a
thrill
through Helen.
“You feel
bloody fantastic.”
Helen
wrapped her arms around Nikki, her hands smoothing over the silky skin
of her
back. “So do you,” she whispered back. “I think I’ll just
enjoy
this a little before I go to sleep.”
“Sounds like a good idea."
Helen
didn’t escalate anything. It was enough just to lie there and
feel Nikki
against her, lazily exploring the curves and planes of her body, not
necessarily in a sexual way, but just to familiarize herself with them
again. The inmate seemed to feel the same, her warm hands tracing
light
patterns of slow sensation over Helen’s torso. As attracted to
each other
as they’d always been, for now the fires were burning very low,
dampened by
exhaustion and all that had gone on between them in recent
months. After
several moments, when Nikki sought out her lips in a deep, languid
kiss, Helen
returned it with easy pleasure, content to keep it tender rather than
intensify
it at all. She did shift a bit, wrapping her fingers loosely
around
Nikki’s elbow, which not so coincidently placed her thumb
right
next to the nipple on Nikki's left breast. She only had
to move
it back and forth slightly, brushing her nail lightly against the
tender protrusion to
make it harden. Nikki exhaled audibly and pressed closer so that
more of it was in contact with the indolent caress.
As they
continued to kiss, the tip of Nikki’s tongue moved gently over Helen’s
lips,
tracing their outline, as she tasted her lightly. “I do believe
you’re
seducing me, Miss Stewart."
Helen
parted her lips for the next kiss, doing some tasting of her own as she
covered
Nikki’s breast with her hand, squeezing gently before teasing the
nipple with
her fingertips, circling the areole and feeling it pebble in
response.
“Do you want me to stop?”
Nikki
pressed into her. “Don’t you dare."
Helen
chuckled low in her throat and gently nudged her knee between Nikki’s,
parting
them. Sliding her hand down Nikki’s side, over her hip and down
her
stomach, she let it drop to the thatch of dark hair at the apex of
Nikki’s
thighs, raking through the curled strands with luxurious
pleasure. Nikki
responded by sliding her thigh up Helen’s outer leg until it was
resting on her hip, opening herself up to the lazy explorations.
Helen
cupped her hand over the warm mound, simply letting
it rest
there as moisture seeped between the lips onto her palm. Nikki
groaned
softly, moving her hips to press her wetness against her hand.
Encouraged,
Helen drew her fingertips along the slit, dipping into the moist heat
and
rubbing tenderly over Nikki's clit. It was already firm from her
arousal.
“Oh, God,
Helen,” Nikki breathed in her ear. “That feels so good.”
“I want
you to feel good, sweetheart,” Helen whispered. “Will you touch
me?”
Nikki
made a small sound of pleased assent and pulled her closer as she
reached down
to fondle Helen with gentle fingers. Helen quivered at
the
unexpectedly sensual caress, her hips rolling slowly against the
skillful hand.
None of
it was wildly passionate or exciting, but it was warm and loving and
everything
either of them could have wanted or needed at the moment.
Pleasure built
with a slow flame, fueled by the languid caresses and kisses that moved
over
each other’s face and neck and shoulders.
Finally,
Helen sought out Nikki’s ear. “Sweetheart, I need you
inside. Please.”
She
shuddered as the long, lovely fingers immediately entered her, pushing
deep
into her depths. Nikki flexed them unhurriedly, not thrusting but
rather
letting Helen clench around them as she undulated her hips,
pressing
her nodule rhythmically against the fleshy part at the base of Nikki’s
thumb. A few moments of this was all Helen required, her climax
washing
over her like the warm wave of a tropical ocean, a rush of pleasure
that left
her weak and trembling. At the same time, Nikki quivered and
cried out,
pulling Helen to her in a crushing embrace as she surged against her.
For long
moments, they lay there, catching their respective breaths. Helen
kissed
Nikki’s ear sweetly, then her cheek and finally her mouth; an extended,
thoroughly devoted kiss that she hoped conveyed all her adoration and
gratitude
to be sharing this moment with her.
“I love
you, Nikki,” she said intently.
“I love
you, too. Forever.”
Carefully,
Nikki withdrew and after a few moments of
kissing
and murmuring endearments, drowsiness finally dragged them down with an
insistence that could no longer be denied. Helen rolled
over,
tucking her buttocks into the warm hollow of Nikki’s groin,
pressing
back into the warm bliss of her body as they spooned together.
She
wasn’t surprised when Nikki became completely limp against her back
after only
a few moments, her breathing smoothing over into the regular rhythm of
sleep. In fact, Helen was impressed that she had lasted as long
as she
had, and tremendously grateful for it because it had led to such
wonderful and
tender lovemaking.
Smiling
faintly, she
closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep, sheltered in the warm embrace.
Nikki
woke with a sharp intake of breath, unsure where she was or what was
happening. It was the silence that woke her. There should be the
slamming
of metal doors, the sharp jangle of keys, the rude noise of guards
urging the
inmates to get up and at it. Instead, there was only the sound of
breathing beside her. Disoriented,
Nikki dazedly wondered why Barb had climbed into the bunk with
her. It
actually took a moment to realize it wasn’t her old cellmate but the
woman she
loved, and that she was no longer in Larkhall, but instead, in Helen’s
bed in
her flat in South London.
Nikki pressed shaking fingers to her forehead
and
breathed deeply. A glance at the clock radio on the bedside table
revealed that it was almost seven, and the soft gray framing the
windows
heralded
dawn. She usually didn’t get to see that. G-wing had been
located
on the west side of the prison, and what little sun she had witnessed
through
her cell window over the past few years came from when the day was
dying.
Swallowing
hard, she glanced at Helen, whose face was smoothed out in the peaceful
relaxation
of sleep, a faint smile curving her lips as if all her dreams were
pleasant
ones. For a while, Nikki just watched her, finding it hard to
believe
that she was really there, and that they were finally together.
It was only last week that she’d been sitting in her cell and wishing
Helen
luck in
her relationship with Thomas. Nikki remembered the day vividly,
and how
she’d clung to her composure with everything she had, losing it only
after Helen
had left, crying bitter tears into her pillow so no one would hear.
And it
was only a few days ago that she had been a helpless witness to Helen
leaving the prison
after
resigning her position. She had told Nikki goodbye, urged her to
concentrate on her appeal and her new life, and at no time indicated
that she
wanted or needed to be a part of that life in any way. In fact,
she had
told her to forget about her. Through a haze of pain, Nikki
watched
Helen look back once at the gate, gazing up at the inmate’s cell
briefly with a
somber expression before turning away to join the man waiting for
her. Nikki didn’t think she could ever hurt more than in that moment of
belief that there was no hope for
her and Helen. That loving her would forever haunt her no matter if she
were free or not.
Even now,
the misery of the memory brought tears to the surface, and Helen’s
presence
right there in the bed with her still wasn’t enough to stem their
tide.
Slipping from between the sheets, Nikki stumbled to the bathroom and
shut the
door behind her before giving into the remembered pain. As she
sat on the
toilet, her cheeks wet, she wondered if staying with Helen was a
particularly
good idea. There was a part of her that was still deeply hurt by
all that
had occurred, and she worried about what would happen the next time
their
respective tempers triggered a fight. How soon would it be before
Helen
chucked her yet again? Nikki didn’t want to have these thoughts,
especially after the warmth of the previous night, but it was hard not
to in
the cold light of morning. After all, every good moment with
Helen over
the past three years had immediately been followed by something
bad. Why
should now be any different?
After a
while, Nikki dried her eyes and returned to the bedroom to retrieve her
bag. Back in the bathroom, she took a shower, managing to take a
little
more time to enjoy it. Dressed in jeans and a white, sleeveless
top, she
went down the hall and peeked into where Helen lay, still deeply
asleep. Nikki wondered if such heavy slumber was normal for her or if
Helen was
just catching up on some missing hours. She’d had the impression
that Helen had been working a lot of late nights in recent weeks while
trying to
bring down Fenner.
Nikki
shook her head and went out to the kitchen where she found enough food
to make
breakfast. She debated whether to make Helen some, but
since
she didn’t look as if she’d be up anytime soon, Nikki decided to
eat
alone. After cleaning up, she felt somewhat at loose ends, not
sure what
to do next. Every day in prison was strictly regulated,
and she always knew where she was supposed to be and
what she was supposed to be doing at any given time. Having to
work out
everything on her own again would take some getting used to.
Wandering
out to the living room, she looked over the shelves where Helen kept
her
extensive collection of books, finally picking one out at random and
curling up
on the settee to read it.
The sudden jangle of the phone made her start abruptly and she stared at it as it rang, wondering nervously if she should answer it. After only three rings, the machine picked up, taking the decision out of her hands, and with a slight sense of relief, she returned to her book. She looked up again when the caller identified himself.
“Helen,
are you there? It’s Thomas.”
He paused. “Okay, I guess you’re not. I know how you like to
sleep
late. That, or you’ve started a new job from one of those
interviews you
were telling me about. Anyway, I’m just calling to apologize
about our
fight in the restaurant Tuesday night. I probably shouldn’t be doing
this over
the phone but I’m scared you won’t want to see me because of the way I
acted.
I’m sorry, Helen. I was a complete arse. I suppose I
was
embarrassed that Jim Fenner had to tell me about you and Nikki Wade
when I
should have seen for myself that you had once cared deeply for
her. I
reckon my ego just wouldn’t let me hear it when you tried to explain
that you
and she are old news, but I should have accepted it when you told me
that it
was me you wanted to be with now, not her. Besides, you’re
right.
Prison does twist and distort things, just like you said, and feelings
that can
occur inside such a closed environment usually won’t last in the
outside world
once reality sets in. I’m sorry I walked out on you when you were
begging
me to stay. I love you, Helen, and what we have is worth fighting
for. Will you give me a second chance? You know my
number.
Please call.” There was a click, and the brief sound of a
dial tone
before the machine shut off.
Nikki
stared at the blinking light for several moments, not knowing that it
was
possible to hurt this much. Helen hadn’t split up with Thomas
because
she’d come to realize her true feelings for a woman. Instead, he
had
actually broken it off with her, and
now being with Nikki was simply something Helen would settle for in the
aftermath, a quick fix to mend her broken heart. But now that he
was back
and obviously interested in making up, it would only be a matter of
time before Helen would look at her with those expressive eyes and tell
her, as
she had so many times before, that it was over. After all, he was
everything
she wanted in a man, and without him, a pathetic ex-convict was just a
poor
second choice.
Taking
deep shuddering breaths, Nikki felt a sense of betrayal and rejection
she
hadn’t experienced since she was sixteen and her parents had banished
her from
their home and lives once and for all. Carefully she shut the
book and
placed it on the table beside the phone. Then she rose from the
settee
and slipped quietly into the bedroom where she gathered up her clothes
and
packed them into her small bag. She very deliberately did not
look at Helen sleeping in the bed, suspecting that the sight of her
would
destroy what
little control she had left.
Out in
the living room, she paused, knowing she couldn’t leave without any
explanation
at all. Finding a piece of paper, Nikki scribbled a quick note,
not
entirely sure what she wrote, only that she didn’t need Helen coming
after her
with trite words that tried to justify the fact that Nikki just wasn’t
what she
wanted or needed from life. Nikki had already heard it before,
more than
once from her. She didn’t need to hear it again.
She
called a cab after getting a number from Directory Inquiries, speaking
low into
the phone. Then she
took her
bag and went outside to wait, trying very hard not to look back.
But she
did, just once when the cab arrived; looking up at the window where she
knew
Helen was sleeping. In that moment, Nikki’s heart seemed to
shatter into
a million pieces of keen edged shards, each one a sharp reminder never
to
believe in such things as soul mates or true love ever again. She
couldn’t
figure out why she had believed Barb’s
fantastical words in the first place.
“Where
to?” The grizzled face of the cabbie looked back at her as she
settled in
the back seat.
Nikki
didn’t know, only that it had to be somewhere where she could
regroup.
She glanced at her watch. It was going on half eight.
Things would
be opening in an hour or so.
“Oxford
Street.”
There, in
one of the department stores, she’d be able to buy some things
and figure out what she was supposed to do next.
Staring blankly out at the passing streets as the cab made its way to
west
London, she tried very hard not to think about anything at all.
When she
was dropped off in front of Marks & Spencer, she was pleased to
discover
they were already open, the earliest of any of the stores on the block.
She went inside, heading for the nearest food hall not because
she was
particularly hungry, but because there she could get a cup of coffee
and sit
down at a table while she worked things out without being bothered by
anyone.
She
wondered what she looked like. Shell shocked probably.
Yesterday
morning, she’d been eating breakfast at Larkhall, not knowing what her
future
held. Last night, all her dreams came true and her future seemed
filled
with endless promise. Now, she knew exactly what her future held,
or
rather, wouldn’t hold for her, and the bleakness of it stretched before
her
like a dank pit, waiting to swallow her up.
There was
really only one place she could go, she decided finally, after an hour
of
sitting by herself in the café, her hands wrapped around a mug of
coffee,
trying to feel a heat that was incapable of reaching her heart.
Picking
up her bag, she left the food hall and went into the nearest store to
pick up
the few necessities she thought she’d need before finding the nearest
bank of
pay phones where she called a cab.
Twenty
minutes later, she was standing outside a door that was only too
familiar to
her. She rang the doorbell, and when that didn’t seem to get a
response,
rapped sharply on the painted steel. Moments passed and she
pounded on it
again. She was about to pound on it a third time when it suddenly
opened
to reveal a rumpled and disheveled Trisha who was obviously suffering
the
effects of a hangover. She was dressed in an old t-shirt
that had the name ‘Diva’ written
across it, and some
baggy boxer shorts with hearts on them.
She
peered uncertainly at the woman standing at her door. “Nik?
What
are you doing here?”
“I need a place to stay. Can I come in?” Nikki resisted the urge to burst into tears.
Trisha
stared at her another moment with bleary eyes, almost as if she didn’t
quite
comprehend the words, and then she blinked, stepping back out of the
entrance. “Of course.”
Nikki
walked into the foyer. “Thanks, Trish. It’s just until I
figure out
what to do.”
”Don’t be
stupid, Nikki, you own half the house, remember?” Trisha shuffled
off in
the general direction of the kitchen as Nikki followed. “You can
stay
here as long as you want. There’s plenty of room.”
Relieved,
Nikki put her bag down on the breakfast bar and perched on the stool as
she
watched Trisha dig around in the refrigerator for something to
eat.
“Aren’t you going to ask me what happened?”
“I reckon it can’t be good or you
wouldn’t be
here. It didn’t work out with Stewart?”
Nikki
felt her chest ache. “No."
Suddenly
Trisha appeared and sounded completely sober as she turned to face her,
a
pitcher
of fruit juice in her hands. “Are you all right?”
“Sure,
I’ll be fine.” Nikki was amazed at how casual her voice
sounded. She
supposed prison was good for something. It taught a person how to
present
a calm and collected front even while she was dying inside.
“These things
happen.”
“I shouldn’t have pushed you to go after her.”
“Not your
fault, Trisha, it’s mine. I keep reaching for things that just
aren’t
there. It’s a bad habit and one I plan to be rid of as soon
as
possible.”
“Do you
want to talk about it?”
Nikki
managed to conceal the wince. “Not right now. Maybe in a
few days.”
“Okay. Whatever you need, ‘Nik, you just
let
me know.”
Nikki
glanced around the kitchen as she searched for another topic of
conversation,
wanting to get off the subject of Helen as soon as possible. The
decor
hadn’t changed all that much. The wallpaper looked a little
different,
but the rest of it was relatively familiar, though it seemed larger
somehow,
and she didn’t remember the table and chair set being made of
wood. She
thought they’d had a chrome and glass set brought in from the old flat
over the
nightclub where they used to live.
“New
dinette set?”
Trisha followed her gaze and smiled. “The old one got smashed. I put a bag of groceries on it one day and the weight of the cans cracked it across the top. It didn’t last long after that.”
Nikki
lifted an incredulous brow. “You did the grocery shopping?”
That
was a chore left up to Nikki during their relationship.
Trisha
hated to plod through the grocer’s looking for items on a list and she
absolutely despised pushing a cart. She always seemed to get the
one with
a stuck wheel, and any line she
got in immediately slowed to a stop as price checks were suddenly
required and
receipt tapes ran out with astonishing regularity.
Trisha’s mouth twisted wryly. “It was that
or starve to
death. You
can only eat so much Chinese takeout.”
Despite
how she was feeling, Nikki smiled; surprised that she still knew
how.
Maybe she’d be able to survive this, after all.
Whether she
wanted to or
not.
“Nikki!”
Bewildered and growing more upset by the minute, Helen went through the entire flat again before she was finally convinced Nikki wasn’t there. And the absence of her bag or any of her clothes indicated that she hadn’t just stepped out for a moment, but that she had actually left, and Helen had no idea why.
Concerned,
she went to the phone,
not
sure who exactly she was planning to call but hoping inspiration would
come to
her once she picked it up. There, she finally noticed the note
sitting by the answering
machine.
For a moment, she stared blankly at her name scribbled across folded
page in
Nikki’s handwriting, and then, with trembling fingers, she picked it
up. Taking a deep breath, she unfolded it and read the words
twice before their meaning finally sunk in.
|
Dear Helen, By now you
know I’m gone. I think it’s better this way. Judging from
the message the doctor left, he’s willing to try again,
and rather than have to stand here and listen while you tell me
it’s over between us one more time, I reckon I’ll save us both the
trouble. It’s clear that if you two hadn’t fought in the
restaurant, you’d be with him right now anyway, so it’s best I just
accept how things are and let you get on with it. I know I
can’t give you anything that isn’t twisted and distorted by where I’ve
been and who I am. It’s hard enough being lesbian in this
society, and I’ll probably always be known as
the one who killed a cop. You shouldn’t have to deal with that,
especially when there’s something better waiting for you with Waugh. I really do
love you, Helen, and I owe you so much. I wish you all the
happiness in the world. Please, take
care of yourself, |
Horrified, Helen glanced down at the answering
machine and saw
the blinking light, indicating she had a message. Pressing the
button to
replay it, she wondered what Thomas could have possibly said that would
bring
her world crashing down around her ears so quickly.
“No, no, no,
no…”
She
wasn’t even aware that she was
moaning the denial softly to herself as she listened to Thomas’s
recounting of everything that had happened in the restaurant, including
all the
ridiculous and inane comments she’d made regarding Nikki.
The book lying on the table next to the machine made her realize that
Nikki
must have been out here reading when the message came in. If only
Helen
hadn’t slept in so long. She would have been out here to explain
things,
or better still, she and Nikki would have been somewhere else
and Nikki never would have heard the message in the first place.
Helen was absolutely furious at Thomas, but she
was even angrier with herself. It wasn’t his
fault, after all. The blame for this situation lay entirely at her
feet, and
what
concerned her most was that the message was damaging enough on its
own.
To Nikki, fresh out of prison and emotionally fragile, it must have
impacted
like a bomb. And even if Nikki had remained, how could Helen
possibly
explain that yes, she had said all those stupid things to Thomas while
in a fog of self-denial combined with the shock of loosing her job, but
they
weren’t what she really felt, then or now. Besides, why the hell
would
Nikki believe her, especially after all the pain Helen had caused her
in the
past? Christ, she hadn’t even had the presence of mind to tell
Nikki
about Thomas in the first place. Fenner had done it for her, just
as he
had told Thomas about her and Nikki.
Maybe if
she weren’t so miserably inept at being upfront and honest with the
people she
claimed to care about, she wouldn’t be in this mess right now.
Checking
the time, she wondered how early Chix opened. She’d start at the
nightclub, she decided and, if Nikki wasn’t
there, she
would probably be able to find out from Trisha where she’d gone,
assuming she'd been in contact with her. Firming
her jaw,
Helen
dropped the note on the table and headed for the bedroom, determined to
do
whatever it took to track Nikki down and make things right
between
them.
After
showering and dressing quickly, she found her keys and purse and
hurried down
the steps to her car. As she drove to the
nightclub, she went over in her mind what she wanted to say to Nikki,
trying desperately
to come up with some rationalization for behavior that had been so
hurtful, and
ultimately, so bloody unnecessary. Unfortunately, it was
difficult to
find such an explanation because she really didn’t know why she’d been
so
dishonest with herself to begin with. After all, she knew she
loved Nikki
the entire time she was with Thomas. She knew that she couldn’t
return
the feelings he made no secret of developing the longer they were
together. She knew that no matter how sensitive and caring a
lover he
was, he simply couldn’t reach that intimate part of her soul that Nikki
had
managed so easily in their one night together.
So why
had she pursued it for so long? Why had she refused to
acknowledge her
feelings, trying to cover them up with some façade of
heterosexuality? Why did it take Thomas confronting her directly before
she finally accepted that
she
wasn’t over Nikki, and wasn’t going to be over Nikki, no matter how
long they
were apart?
Until she
could figure any of that out, how would she ever be able to explain
anything to
the woman she loved?
She’d
just have to wing it, she decided grimly, like everything else she
seemed to do
when it
came to Nikki. Though she admitted to herself that perhaps that’s
why
things had gone wrong so many times.
Her minor
streak of good luck in finding a parking spot right across from the
nightclub didn’t last very
long. Chix was closed and the sign on the door indicated it
wouldn't be
open for another four hours. Dismayed, Helen walked away, trying
to
figure out what to do next. Then it occurred to her that while
the doors
didn’t open for another four hours, the staff would probably be in
earlier than
that to make preparations for opening, perhaps even as soon as a couple
hours
from now. She decided she would wait.
Wandering down the street, she found a small cafe where she ordered some lunch. She lingered over it for as long as she dared, though she was hardly able to taste anything, before finally returning to her car where she took up surveillance of the nightclub's front door. At least doing it in the daytime was an improvement over her previous experiences at playing the spy. All the times she’d tried to nail Jim Fenner with hard evidence of his illicit behavior, it had been cold and dark and damp. It was still cold, but at least the sun was shining. She just hoped there wasn't a rear service entrance to the nightclub, but there wasn't much she could do in that event, so she decided not to worry about it.
Around
half three, she noticed the solitary form of a female strolling
casually
down the
street in the direction of the nightclub and recognized Trisha’s blonde
hair immediately.
Taking a deep breath, Helen quickly got out of her car and walked
toward where Trisha was pulling out keys to unlock the door.
Trisha looked
up as
she sensed the presence of another, her face suddenly becoming
impassive as she
realized who it was.
"What
do you want?" The tone wasn't exactly unfriendly, but it wasn't
necessarily welcoming either.
Helen
didn't waste time on preliminaries. "I need to know where Nikki is."
Trisha
stared at her, and then with a short jerk of her head, indicated Helen
should accompany her inside. Helen followed her silently,
not
liking how this was going, but not sure what else to do.
"What
makes you think I'd know?" Trisha asked finally as she went around the
bar
and began to prepare the till.
"The
fact that you didn't tell me to sod off immediately," Helen told her in
a
reasonable tone as she perched on a barstool. "Look, Trisha, I
really need to talk to her."
"I'm sure you do, but even if I wanted to
tell
you where she is...which, frankly, I don't...I wouldn't betray her
confidence. If Nikki wants you to know where she’s gone, then
she’ll be
the first to get in contact with you about it."
Helen
felt a spurt of rage at being stonewalled. "Nikki and I had a
misunderstanding," she began heatedly,
“and maybe you think that means that you and she will somehow get back
together..."
Trisha
held up a hand, stopping Helen in mid-rant. "Spare me, Stewart,"
she interrupted coolly, obviously not impressed by the display of
temper. "I freely admit that I’d love to have Nikki back in my
life,
but the quickest way to accomplish that would be to tell you
where she
is right now. It’s obvious you haven't a clue how to treat her right, and sooner or later, she'll
figure that out and be able to move on to someone who really does love
her. But in the meantime, she's totally besotted with you.
I wish
she wasn't, but she is. That's why it's so amazing to me that you
managed
to screw it up so quickly. God, don’t you know what you have with
her?"
Taken
aback by the woman's bluntness, Helen felt her anger drain away.
"I
do know what I have with her,” she muttered with a touch of
humility.
“This is just a terrible mix-up. That's why I have to talk with her and find a way to make this
right."
Trisha shook her head stubbornly. "Look, the best I can do is let her know you were asking about her and that you want to see her, but I'm not going to betray her confidence. She came to me because she needed a friend, and no matter what else, that’s what I am and what I’ll always be to her. I don’t owe you a bloody thing."
"Fine." Helen paused, realizing that she
needed to look
beyond herself at the moment. "Listen, Trisha, when people get
out
of prison, that lingers with them a while."
"Meaning?"
"Meaning that if you really want to be there for her, you're going to have to understand what she's going through. Her emotions are really extreme at the moment. Something good will trigger great joy, something bad will plunge her into the depths of despair. She doesn't have any balance right now, and it’s possible that she won't recognize that or understand why. We both know that at the best of times, Nikki reacts strongly to things, but now, she'll over-react to whatever happens. You'll need to be very patient with her."
Trisha
stared at her for a long moment. "Okay.
Thanks, Stewart. I’ll keep that in mind when I’m dealing with
her."
Helen
suddenly felt tears sting the back of her eyes, and
furiously, she blinked them back, not wanting Trisha to see how
vulnerable she was. "Tell her that
I'm not giving up on her."
"I'll
do that. I promise, Helen."
Helen
nodded and realized there wasn't anything else she could do. The
next
move would be up to Nikki. Turning around abruptly, she left the
nightclub before she started crying and finished the job of making a
complete
fool of herself.
Out in
the Peugeot, she took several, shuddering breaths, trying to get her
emotions
under control. Finally, she started the car, and with a final, dismayed
look at
the entrance of the building where only the day before she had been in
Nikki’s
arms, kissing her passionately, she pulled away, not knowing what the
future
would hold.
And terrified
that
she’d find out only too soon.
After
Trisha left for the club, Nikki found herself roaming around their big
house,
getting used to all the space, and better yet, the solitude.
There
weren’t a whole lot of memories for her here. She and Trisha had
only
lived in the place six months before
the incident with Gossard at the club and Nikki’s subsequent arrest the
same
night.
After
checking out all the changes Trisha had made over the past five years,
though
some of them might have been due to Nikki’s faulty memory, she
finally found herself in the living room. To her astonishment,
she
discovered her favorite chair was still located next to the big stone
fireplace. Trisha hadn’t wanted to bring the oversized piece of
furniture
along when they first moved in, and the couple had engaged in a rather
heated
and lengthy discussion about it. Looking at it now, Nikki had to
admit
that the battered blue cushions definitely did not go with the rest of
the
décor, but here it was, in the same place she’d left it all those years
ago. Nikki wondered why Trisha hadn’t thrown it out, especially
after
they’d ended their romance.
She curled up in it with a
favorite
book and tried to lose herself in the story, wanting to forget
about
everything that was going on. It wasn’t the first time she had
used books
to escape. The familiar passages let her mind relax for a little while before
the rumbling
in her stomach drew her back to the here and now.
It didn’t
matter that her heart was broken, she thought grimly. The rest of
her
body kept on with its demands, and with a resigned sigh, she put the
book down
and headed for the kitchen. Dinner consisted of leftover
pepperoni pizza
along with some custard for dessert. Despite her sorrow, she was
still
able to appreciate the flavor of fare that she would have disdained as
common
and unappetizing before Larkhall.
After
cleaning up, she went back to her book and forced herself to resume her
reading
until she simply couldn’t comprehend what the words meant
anymore. A
check of the clock revealed that Trisha wouldn’t be home for another
few hours,
so Nikki retrieved the sports bag from the breakfast bar and carried it
upstairs to the guest room.
She made
up the bed and unpacked her meager belongings, putting her clothes in
the small
dresser next to the bed. As she emptied out the small sports bag,
a
paperback book tumbled out onto the duvet. She stared at the
garish pink
cover of Sophie’s World, feeling the first cracks in the walls she had
so
carefully constructed around her heart. With trembling fingers,
she
picked it up and opened the cover to read the inscription inside,
written by
Helen all those months ago, back when there might still have been a
chance for
them.
Blinking
back the tears, Nikki closed the book and took it over to the small
bookcase
next to the door, tucking it into the corner of the bottom shelf where
she
wouldn’t be able to see it unless she was actively looking for
it. Maybe
someday she’d be able to read it again, be able to pull it out after
time and
space had made everything associated with it nothing more than distant
memories.
It was even possible that she’d be better off in the long run just
tossing it
in the trash, but she couldn’t do that to any book, let alone one that
had
meant so much to her.
After
brushing her teeth with the new toothbrush she’d bought, she finished
her preparations
for the night by pulling on a pair of sweatpants and a sleeveless tank
top. Climbing into the cold and lonely double bed, she switched
off the
lamp sitting next to her on the bedside table and pulled the covers up
to her
chest. Staring up at the ceiling
patterned by the shadow of the tree backlit by the streetlight, she was
no
longer able to block out the aches in her heart and soul that
the day
had wrought.
She couldn’t help but wonder if Helen had
been relieved
when she found her note. Now she'd be able to call
Thomas
back without any messy complications, ask to meet him somewhere, maybe
in a
posh restaurant or a club. Perhaps they were together right this
very
moment, their differences resolved, happy to have made up before it was
too
late. Would the doctor feel the same sense of joy and elation
Nikki had
felt last night? Would he know just what a precious thing it was
to hold
Helen in his arms, listen to her breathe and feel the blessed warmth of
her
body against his?
Nikki
closed her eyes, feeling the tears slip from beneath the lids to
trickle down
her cheeks. Were they making love that very second? Was Helen
able to
give herself freely, instead of dealing with an emotionally wounded
ex-con who
could barely generate the energy to touch her in the way she deserved
to be
touched?
Rolling
over, Nikki curled up in a ball, trying to surround the ache in her
midsection
in a futile effort to stave it off. It was weak consolation
that it could be worse. She could still be in Larkhall, lying on
her hard
bunk in the cold cell, but then again, maybe that would have been
easier.
In Larkhall, Helen wouldn’t have come to see her in the first place,
offering
false hope of a second chance.
Except…Nikki wouldn't have had the chance to touch her again, wouldn't have been able to taste her lips and hold her tight one last time. Perhaps all this pain was worth those precious few moments in her arms, and one day, Nikki would be able to appreciate it in that fashion. For now, all she wanted was to feel anything other than this overwhelming sense of anguish and hopelessness. Burying her face in the pillow, she wept, searching for the release and solace of tears but only finding more misery until she just couldn't cry any more.
And
finally, some act of grace granted her mercy and sleep came, bearing
her off to
a place and time where the heartache could no longer reach her.
But all too soon iit
ended and
consciousness returned with a vengeance, leaving her
confused and
disoriented for the second morning in a row, unsure of where she was
and how
she had come to be there. A
glance outside revealed that it was still dark, and a check of her
watch on the
bedside table revealed that it was just shy of five in the morning.
Gradually it all came back to her and for long
moments she wondered if she should bother getting
out of
bed ever again. The sound of someone below, undoubtedly Trisha
home after
her night at the club, finally drew Nikki
from her cocoon of blankets and sheets. Barefoot, hair still
standing on
end, Nikki went down the stairs and found Trisha in the kitchen,
putting
together some breakfast for herself. The smell of smoke and
alcohol was
strong on her, not because she had been indulging, but simply because
it was a
side effect of her job. Trisha had actually given up smoking
while Nikki
was in prison.
“Hiya,
Babes.”
Trisha
glanced up and offered her a smile. “Hi, ‘Nik. Did you
sleep well?”
Nikki
exhaled and took a seat on the stool by the breakfast bar. “I
slept.”
Trisha
shot her a look and resumed her preparation of scrambled eggs,
adding a
couple to the bowl without asking if Nikki wanted any, simply assuming
it and
being right in that assumption. “Guess who was waiting
outside the
nightclub when I showed up to open yesterday afternoon?”
“To talk
to you. Pretty adamant about it, too.”
Alarmed, Nikki looked at her. “Did you tell her I was staying here?”
“Don’t be daft. But I did tell her that
I’d let
you know she was looking for you.” She popped some bread into the
toaster. “Maybe you should call her.”
“Why? She just wants to tell
me it’s over to my face. I think
she gets a kick out of it. It’s all a big power game to her.”
“Well,
she says it’s just a misunderstanding.”
Trisha
shook her head when Nikki had finished. “I don’t know,
‘Nik. She
seemed pretty upset and she didn’t mention anything about a doctor.”
“Don’t
kid yourself,” Nikki stated coldly. “That’s Helen bloody
Stewart
for you. She says one thing, does the complete opposite, and then
tries
to blame me for it. I
remember
the fight we had over Dominic McAllister. She kept saying that he
was
just a co-worker, just a friend, but the whole time she was flirting
with him,
leading him on. Hell, everyone in the bloody prison thought they
were
dating. Even he thought they were going to have it off before she
finally
came clean with the big confession about me. And then it was
supposed to
be my fault for being jealous. She’s just a typical straight
woman,
Trish. She’s so used to manipulating men that she doesn’t know
what truth
is when a woman’s involved.”
“Well,
she can’t be all that straight if she’s still chasing after you.”
“She’d
just like a kid with a toy.” Nikki said dismissively as she
helped Trisha
clean up the dishes, stashing them in the dishwasher. “She wants
to keep
me on a string, just in case it doesn’t work out with him. But
I’m
nobody’s second choice.”
Nikki abruptly found her body responding with a
strong and
recognizable
attraction to her ex-partner. Trisha had put on a few pounds
since they’d
last been together, and she wore them extremely well, adding curves to
her
solid frame that made her even more appealing. Almost
involuntarily,
Nikki moved closer to her, memories of another time and place crowding
her
mind. They had shared some very good years together, filled with
happiness and a sense of unity as they built a life around their
nightclub,
their friends and their home before it was all taken away. It was
easy for Nikki to
remember
those feelings in this moment, as her heart cried out for something to
ease the
pain.
“Want
some company?”
Startled,
Trisha turned to look at her, the brilliant blue eyes wide.
“What?”
Nikki strived to look casual and took another step, close enough now to feel the heat radiating from Trisha’s body. “We were good together once, Trish. We could be good again.”
From the
look on Trisha’s face, Nikki knew she was also aware of the sudden
sexual
tension between them. How many early mornings had they
shared
breakfast after a night at the club, talking about their evening
and laughing about the odd
moments that came with owning a lesbian bar? They had laughed a
lot,
Nikki remembered fondly, and she thought of how they would go to bed
and make
love before falling asleep in each other’s arms. The sex had
always been
great, from the very first time they were together, and had only grown
better
over the years as they became more comfortable with each other.
“I don’t
think that’s a good idea, Nikki.” But she didn’t
move away as Nikki finished closing the distance between them and put
her hands on her hips. She trembled as Nikki nuzzled lightly at her
neck, kissing
the soft skin.
“What’s
not a good idea? Making each other feel wonderful?” Nikki
breathed into
Trisha’s ear. “You know how good I can make you feel, Trish.”
Trisha
exhaled audibly, closing her eyes as Nikki nibbled on her lobe, arching
slightly as the hands slid around her waist. “Yes, I do, but I’m
not really up for a comfort shag at the
moment. You can get one of those from any of the women at the
club.”
“Maybe, but no one would be as fantastic as
you.”
Nikki pulled her close, almost groaning at how comfortably familiar it
all
felt.
She lowered her voice to a low murmur. “After all, who else
would
know how to do that thing with her tongue? You know what I mean,
Trish. That special way you lick my clit while you put your
fingers so
deep inside me…”
Trisha
made a soft sound at the back of her throat, a combined whimper of
protest and
helpless desire.
“And no
one knows what you like as well as I do,” Nikki continued in a sensual
purr,
her hands running freely over well known curves, loosening clothing and
touching the warm skin beneath. “Remember how good it feels when
I roll
you over and…” The rest of it was lost as she moved her lips over
Trisha’s cheek, then to her mouth, kissing her with passionate demand.
For a
second, she clung to her, returning the kiss hotly, but before Nikki
could
escalate things further, Trisha abruptly pushed her away; taking
several
steps back to put some much needed distance between them.
“Trisha?”
Nikki regarded her incredulously, her blood singing in her veins, body
alive
and fully aroused. “What are you doing?”
“Sorry,
Nikki,” Trisha said, and if her voice shook, the determination in her
eyes
didn’t. “You can’t know how much I want you right now, but I’m
not going
to settle for being your second choice…any more than you settled for
being
hers.”
Taking
another deep breath, she shot her a tortured look and left
the
kitchen, leaving Nikki to clench her fists and fight to bring her
frustrated
libido under control, feeling both angry and ashamed.
And wondering
how two
women could claim to want her, but yet, she still found herself all
alone.
Helen sat
curled up on her sofa in the early morning hours, staring blankly
across the
gray dimness of the room. A half empty bottle of vodka
sat on the
coffee table in front of her, with a measure of the clear liquid at the
bottom
of the glass sitting beside it. The
attempt to drink her feelings into oblivion had been a futile
effort. No
matter how much she drank, it couldn't dull the edge of pain that had
settled
in her heart, nor could it make her forget the screwed up mess her life
had
become.
The worst
part was the terrifying uncertainty of it all. For the first time
in
three years, she had absolutely no idea where Nikki was. She'd
never
known exactly what the inmate was doing at any given time, of course,
though a
familiarity with prison scheduling tended to give her a good idea, but
she'd
always known exactly where she was, and that she was only fifteen
minutes away
in Larkhall. Now, Helen had no clue where Nikki might be, whether
she had
booked a hotel room, or if she were staying with friends, or most
likely, if
she were staying with Trisha. Even that suspicion didn't help
because she
didn't know where Trisha lived or how to go about finding out.
Christ,
she didn’t even know Trisha’s last name.
Dully, she glanced toward the front of the room, where a curved bay window revealed daylight creeping across the street. She hadn't managed to sleep any the night before, tossing and turning in her empty bed before finally coming out to the living room where she pulled out the bottle of liquor. A glance at the clock ticking quietly on the wall revealed that it was going on half seven. In another life, she'd just be rising in order to prepare for work. She didn't even have that to help her cope with losing Nikki.
The
jangle of the phone made her jump, and uncertainly, she stared at it,
wondering
who the hell could be calling so early. Then it occurred to her
that it
might be Nikki, and moving as
quickly as she could, she got off the sofa and staggered to the table
by the
settee to pick up the phone.
"Hello."
"Stewart?"
Helen was stunned into silence,
recognizing the voice. "Are you there?"
Taking a
breath, Helen composed herself. "I'm here, Trisha."
"Look,
I'm just calling to let you know that Nikki's here, staying with me." She rattled off the address. "Do
you
know how to get here?"
"I'll
find it," Helen said, astonishment cutting her words short.
"Why are you doing this?"
There was an odd hesitation
on the
line.
"I’m not sure. I just know that as long as she's hung up on
you,
none of us can move forward."
"When should I come over?"
"I
leave for the club at half one. You and 'Nik will have the whole house to
yourselves
for the rest of the night. Chix doesn't close until three on
Fridays. I’m usually not home until five or six."
"Okay,"
Helen said quietly. "Does Nikki want to see
me?"
"I
think we both know that Nikki doesn't have a clue in hell what she
wants right
now." There was a touch of
anger in the voice, but mostly it was filled with sadness and
regret. "What
about you, Stewart? She told me about the doctor. Do you
know what
it is you want?"
Helen closed her
eyes.
"Like I said, it's just a huge misunderstanding. Nikki heard
something on the answering machine that isn't...well, it's not true
anymore. It was never true. Thomas and I were just a
mistake, one
that's been rectified." She stopped when she realized she didn't
really owe Trisha any explanations. "I'll be there around
one."
"Fine,
I'll be here to
let
you in. I won't tell Nikki you're coming. She’ll
just find a way to skip out and prolong this whole
mess."
The woman
spoke with an easy sort of exasperated familiarity of Nikki's habits
that Helen
envied bitterly for a moment. No matter how much she felt for
Nikki, there'd always be a piece of her heart that
belonged to
Trisha,
stemming from a nine year relationship that existed before Helen had
even
met her.
"I'll
see you then."
Slowly,
Helen hung up the phone, staring at it for a long moment before she
shook
herself, knowing she had to get herself together if she was going to
see
Nikki. Firming her jaw, she turned around and picked up the
bottle of
vodka, screwing on the top firmly. Carrying it and the glass into
the
kitchen, she dumped the unfinished portion down the sink and put the
bottle
back into the cupboard. Then she dug out the coffee maker and
programmed
in a very strong pot. She forced down three cups of it as she ate
the
eggs she'd scrambled, along with some bacon and toast, deciding she
needed
something
solid and grease laden in her stomach to counteract the alcohol.
After
cleaning up, she took a long, hot bubble bath, shaved her legs and
underarms,
trimmed her pubic hair, and went into the bedroom to select an outfit,
one that
would show off her assets to their best advantage. It wasn't that
she
knew what she was going to say or do in the upcoming confrontation, but
at the
very least, she wanted to look and feel her best when she went into
it. After
dabbing perfume at her pulse points and between her breasts, she took a
last
look at herself in the mirror, knowing she could do little about the
haunted
expression in her eyes. Swallowing hard, she retrieved her keys
and purse
and went out the door. She knew it was still early, but she just
couldn't
wait any longer.
As she
strode briskly out the door and down the steps, she was peripherally
aware of a
figure walking down the pavement toward her, but didn’t pay it much
mind until
he hailed her just as she was unlocking her car door.
"Helen."
Helen
paused, recognizing the voice, sighed, and turned around. "Hiya,
Thomas."
The tall,
dark haired, lanky man stood in rumpled jeans, a tan golf shirt and a
battered
suede jacket. His dark eyes were mournful as he looked at her,
much like a basset hound eyeing its mistress in hopeful anticipation of
a walk. "You're on your way out?"
Since she had just
hurried to her
car and was about to open the door, she thought that was self evident,
but she
managed to swallow back the first sarcastic comment that popped into
her
mind. She wasn't able to totally conceal her impatience,
however.
"What is it?"
He
blinked at the slight edge in her tone. "I wasn't sure you got my
message. I left you one yesterday morning."
"I
got your message." Helen reached for a politeness she wasn't
feeling. "I'm sorry I didn't get back to you, but honestly, it
was
all said in the restaurant. There isn’t really anything to add."
He took a
step toward her. "Helen, I was a fool..." he began.
"No,
Thomas, you had everything exactly right,” Helen said, holding up her
hand to
stop him from coming any closer.
“I was being dishonest with myself, and I'm sorry you were hurt
in the
process. You didn't deserve that."
He
regarded her, took a slow breath and seemed to accept what she was
saying in
the simple act of letting it out. "Okay, but I had to give it a
try,
Helen. I didn't want to look back and regret that I
didn't."
He inclined his head at the car. "I heard about
Wade's release. Is that why..."
"I'm
on my way to see her now," she interrupted shortly. I hope.
He
offered a look of rueful understanding. “Well, I wish you all the
best,
Helen.”
“Thank
you.”
“You
should know, I’ve resigned from Larkhall.”
She
stared at him, genuinely upset by the news. “Thomas, no.
The women
need you now, more than ever.” Though that did explain why he was
outside
her flat in the middle of the day. Apparently, unemployment was
spreading
like wildfire.
“I’m not like you, Helen. I’m not a fighter, and I can’t see myself going to work everyday when all I want to do is perform unnecessary surgery on Jim Fenner.”
She realized he was right; he wasn’t the sort that tackled injustice without concern for the consequences...unlike Nikki. Honestly, what had she seen in him? Had it just been the fact that he was so uncomplicated and easy to read? There was no real passion there, at least, not the fiery kind she found irresistible, even as she knew how terribly it could burn when turned against her.
“I guess
you have to do what’s best for you. I
hope
things work out for you.”
“You,
too, Helen. Any word on those interviews?”
“Not
yet.” Helen found herself fidgeting, wondering why he was wasting
her
time. She opened her car door. “Don’t let me keep you."
Startled,
he looked at her and then, offered a wry grin. “Don’t let me
keep you,”
he countered. “Good luck, Helen.”
“Thanks.”
He turned
to go and despite her best intentions, she just couldn’t leave it at
that.
“Thomas?"
"Yes?"
He looked back at her expectantly.
"I
never 'begged' you to stay." Helen's tone was suddenly
heated.
Perhaps it was a small thing, and certainly, the only thing on the
message that
she could become justifiably angry about, but all the fear and
uncertainty of
the past few days suddenly condensed into a form of rage directed at
the man
regarding her in bemusement. "I asked you not to go so we could
talk
about things, but at no time did I ever 'beg'. Get it right the
next time
you tell that story." Furiously, she got into her car,
slammed
the door, and squealed off, not looking back at the bewildered
psychologist standing on the pavement staring after her.
The drive
to the suburban neighborhood where Trisha's house was located seemed to
take
forever, though the frequent glances at her watch told Helen she was
still
early. The street wasn't particularly easy to find. As in so many of the suburban districts, it
was part of a maze of streets featuring recently built and fairly
impressive
houses…and all with a cookie cutter appearance. Each had a garage, a
postage
stamp lawn and a paved driveway with one or more higher than average
income
vehicles. It wasn't at
all the sort of place that she’d ever imagined Nikki would live, but it
was
obviously the home that she and Trisha had chosen all those years
ago. It
gave Helen a funny feeling in the pit of her stomach to acknowledge
that as she
parked by the curb out in the street, not wanting to block off the
charcoal
colored BMW in the driveway.
Taking a
breath, she checked her watch again and
got out of her sensible sedan. Gripping the strap of her purse
nervously, she
walked
up the driveway and then along the artfully designed patio stones to
the
graceful front door bordered by frosted glass sidelights and
an arched
transom above. Uncertainly, she pressed the doorbell, hearing the
chime
resonate inside. A moment passed, and then the door opened to
reveal
Trisha.
"Come
on in,” she said, stepping back and leading her into a
living room dominated by a large stone fireplace. “Have a seat
while I
go get Nikki. She’s in the kitchen."
As Trisha disappeared toward the rear of the house, Helen looked around the spacious room, at the comfortable looking sofa and chairs arranged around the hearth where a small fire burned. There was a book on the end table beside an older, more battered looking chair that seemed somewhat out of place in this tasteful home. Suddenly, from another room, she heard the unmistakable sound of Nikki’s voice raised in outrage.
"She's
where!?!" An indistinct murmur sounded from Trisha before
Nikki yelled again. "What do you mean you called her and told her
to
come over?!"
Trisha
obviously reached the last of her patience and increased the volume of
her own
voice so that it was clearly audible to Helen standing
awkwardly in
the living room. “Oh, for chrissake’s, Nikki, go out there and
tell her to
sod off if that’s what you want, but be an adult and settle this thing
between
you once and for all. Quit hiding in here like a damned kid.”
Helen didn’t hear the response, but she imagined it was pungent and not at all polite. After a moment, Nikki appeared in the doorway, looking at her with a dark expression on her face.
Helen
felt her knees go weak. “Are you going to ask me
to
leave?” she managed after a long moment where they just stared at each
other.
The muscles in
Nikki’s
jaw moved visibly. “No," she said flatly. "You came all the
way
over here to talk; let’s talk.”
Nikki
glanced over as Trisha swept through the living room. “I’m going
to
work,” Trisha said over her shoulder, deliberately not looking at
her. “Don’t wait up.”
Nikki
still couldn’t believe what she had done, and the
sound of the
door slamming behind her heralded a silence that neither Nikki nor
Helen seemed willing to break. Finally, Helen dropped her purse
on the
coffee table and focused her attention on Nikki, crossing her arms over
her
chest. She was dressed in a low cut top that was skin tight and a
long, black skirt
that
clung to her hips. Nikki thought she looked fantastic, and had to
work on
remembering how hurt she was and how put out she was by this
infuriating woman
who
kept waltzing back into her life for no other apparent reason than to
set her
up for heartbreak yet again.
“Are you willing to listen to me?”
Nikki set
her jaw. “Depends on what you have to say.”
“I'm here to tell you that I love you.”
Nikki
offered a scornful look, not softening the sarcasm in her voice.
“What? The doctor go off you again?”
Helen’s
eyes sparked but her voice remained mild. “He broke it off with
me in the
restaurant because he figured out that I love you. He knew I
would never
be able to feel for him what I feel for you.”
“Is that
why you begged him to stay?”
“I didn’t
beg him to stay.” Helen’s voice rose, and Nikki knew she had
struck a
nerve. With an effort, Helen looked down and took a slow, deep
breath. “Look, Nikki, we finally have the chance to talk
over all
the things we should have during the past three years. I’m
willing if you
are.”
“Fine,”
Nikki snapped as she moved into the living room, pacing in an agitated
fashion. “I’ll start. Why'd you have to go off with him in
the
first place?"
"Would it have been better if I'd gone off with
a
woman like Caroline Lewis?"
“Of
course it would."
Incredulous,
Helen glared at her. "Why?"
Nikki
stopped to face her. "Because then you wouldn't have been
rejecting what
I am in addition to who I am."
Silence fell as they
stared at
each other, Helen’s face growing dark as she absorbed what had just
been
said. "Is that what you think my being with Thomas was about?"
"Wasn't it? Being a lesbian is so
awful...what I am is so
awful...you'd rather make yourself and
some poor
bastard miserable rather than admit you might be like me."
"You’re wrong." Helen took a step closer. "Look, I admit that I handled things badly. I made mistakes that hurt you and Thomas, and if I could do it again and find a better way, I would. But Nikki, you have to know that the way I acted…all the decisions I made, right or wrong…weren't because you were a woman. It was because you were an inmate. Loving you made me do things that I never would have imagined myself doing. It made me break all the rules...Christ, it made me break the bloody law!"
"But
why him?"
"Because
he was attractive and attentive, and
starting up with him seemed to make sense when nothing else around me
did!" Helen shouted, her hold on her temper finally lost. No one
knew how to shatter that tenuous grip like Nikki did, and for a second,
she felt a measure of pride in that ability. "Be glad he was a
bloody man, Nikki, because if he'd been a woman, I probably would
be in
love with her, and we wouldn't be having this stupid conversation!"
Nikki stared at her; stunned by the comment, and
despite not wanting to, believing it completely. Absurdly, she
found
herself wanting to smile, though she wasn’t entirely sure why.
Irate,
Helen clenched her fists. "Don't you dare laugh at me!"
Nikki
raised her hands in a placating gesture. "I'm not. It's
just...I believe you. If he'd been a woman, I'd be in a lot of
trouble
right now."
"What
makes you think you're not?”
Looking at Helen, so magnificent in her outrage, all of Nikki’s energy seemed to drain away from her like water from a tub. Wearily, she raked her fingers through her hair, leaving it on end as she sat down in her armchair next to the fireplace. Watching her, Helen's face altered, losing the anger and becoming concerned as she took a seat on the sofa facing Nikki. For a moment, neither of them spoke, almost as if they were both taking the opportunity to catch a second wind.
"When
I was sixteen, my parents threw me out of the house because I was a
lesbian," Nikki said finally, her voice quiet as she stared at the
flames flickering in the hearth. "What I
am left me alone on the streets before I'd even finished school. What
I am is so horrendous to them that to this day, we still haven’t spoken
or had
any other kind of contact at all. "
Helen
looked distraught. "I'm sorry, Nikki, I didn't know."
"So when you and I had gone through everything
we went
through, and you told me it was over, it hurt a lot, but…well, I could
handle
it. Then you started shagging a man, and it wasn't just over, it
was like
what we shared was just some twisted little aberration you suffered,
and not
only did you want to forget it, you wanted to wipe it out like it
didn’t
matter." Nikki gulped back what might have been a sob.
"Like I didn’t matter.”
"I'm sorry it felt that way for you." Helen's voice was very gentle. "That wasn't at all what I felt. Falling in love with you, despite everything that went on, was the best thing I’d ever experienced in my life. It was your being in Larkhall that caused the problems, not that you’re a woman. I was pretty much past that part of the problem…and it was my problem, Nikki, not yours…when I broke up with Sean. Thomas really did happen to be in the right place at the right time, and I reckon I was attracted to the normalcy he offered, not as a man, but as someone on the right side of the bars. Can you understand that?"
Nikki
swallowed against the lump in her throat. "I suppose.” She
lifted her head to meet the greenish eyes. “But Helen, you can’t
love me
in spite of my being a woman…in spite of my being a lesbian…because
what I am
is also what makes me who I am. If all you’re offering is some
sort of
bisexual bullshit about if I were a man, you’d love me the same, or
that you
love me even though I just
happen to be a woman…well that just doesn’t work for me.” She
felt
herself drowning, unable to find the right words. “Can you
understand
that?”
“You mean I have to
define
myself as
a lesbian to love you?”
“No, I’m
saying that I’m a lesbian, and that’s what you’re getting. I’m
out, and
I’m never going to hide it. I’m also an ex-convict, and I
probably won’t
be able to hide that. So if you feel you have to deny any part of
me, for
yourself or your job or your friends or whatever, if you can’t accept
and love
all of who and what I am, then it’s best that you walk away now and
don’t look
back. If you’re still searching for that thing that society deems
as
normal, then don’t look at me because I can’t give it to you.”
“I’m not
asking for that, Nikki,” Helen said somberly. “I don’t wish that
you were
a man, or that I was, or that things were different. I’m here
because I
want to be here. Because I don’t want to live a life that you’re
not a
part of. And all I can offer you is who and
what I
am, as screwed up as it is. Is it enough for you?”
“I don’t
know.”
Helen
lifted her chin. “Why not?”
“Because I still don’t know why you chucked me after the
riot.” Nikki’s voice cracked despite her best effort to keep it
steady. “Or why you weren’t even sad about it.”
“Oh God,
Nikki, of course I was sad.” Tears sprang to Helen's eyes,
casting a
shine to the greenish depths. “I was absolutely devastated.
But I
just couldn’t take it anymore. I was torn between doing my job
and
you...”
“And I
lost,” Nikki interrupted harshly. “I always lost to your job.”
“Don’t
you dare say that.” Suddenly the Stewart temper was back, lacing
her
words with anger. “I let Fenner force me out of a position where
I was
finally doing some good because it was your appeal that was
threatened. Any other threat he made was meaningless, and I would
have
kept after the bastard until he was finished once and for all, but I
wasn’t
about to let you suffer just to keep my job as governor.”
Reminded
sharply of what had really happened, Nikki had to look away. “I
still
think we should have let Barbara lie for us.”
“I
couldn’t take the chance it would be enough to protect your
appeal. And neither could you. Look,
Nikki,
after that night we were together, I just didn’t feel safe with you
anymore. You were capable of doing the most outrageous things,
and worse,
you could make me do them, too. For God’s sakes, I was an
employee of the
Home Office who snuck an inmate back into her cell after she’d
escaped! A
completely successful escape, by the way, that was formulated not
because the
inmate wanted to make a break for it, but because she wanted to make up
with me
after we’d had a quarrel, and who had
every intention of returning the next morning, though that part didn’t
seem
nearly as well planned out as the first part.”
Nikki
considered it sheepishly.
“Well, when you put it that way, it does sound
sort of
mad, doesn’t it?”
“It was insane, and the riot just crystallized
all
those fears for me. I had to shove all the feelings I had for you
deep
inside myself just so I could function. I was terrified by what
happened in the wing after the
incident with
Femi. People could have been killed! It made me furious
that not
only could you be a part of it, you were actually one of the
instigators!
I admit I let that fear and anger get the better of me when I told you
it was
over, and I’m sorry for how I told
you.”
She paused and her face grew stony. “Though, it certainly didn’t
take you
very long to find someone new.”
Nikki
bristled. “Ah yes, Caroline Lewis. Another perfect example
of you
not having the balls to tell me what the hell was going on.”
“I couldn’t tell you she was in Larkhall for
child
exploitation." Helen’s
lips tightened. "All I could do was
what I did; transfer her out and
swallow
all the abuse you heaped on me for it.”
“I still say you were jealous,” Nikki muttered,
almost
under her
breath.
“Would it make you feel better if I told you I
was?”
“Yes, as a matter of fact, it would.”
“Only
because I transferred her out so quickly.”
Nikki
shook her head, feeling guilty and annoyed that Helen could
make her feel that way. “What do
you want
me to say? The truth is, Caroline was attractive and I
liked
her. If she’d really been in Larkhall for extortion instead of
child
porn, then yeah, I probably would have hooked up with her for a comfort
shag or
two. What’s wrong with that? You chucked me, remember?”
“Nothing’s
wrong with it, assuming you’re now fine with my getting off with
Thomas.”
Nikki
forced back her anger. “Fine, so we’re both the sort that gets
over a
broken heart by jumping on someone else as soon as possible.
Happy?”
“Not
in the
slightest.” Helen rubbed her forehead with the tips of her
fingers,
suddenly looking weary. “God, none of what happened made me
happy. You were hurt, I was hurt, Thomas was hurt, Caroline…Christ, she
was
almost
killed.”
“We are sort of disastrous to associate
with.
Maybe we should accept that we’re just no good together.”
Helen’s
brows drew down. “I don’t accept that.” She scooted
over on
the couch so that she was closer to Nikki. “Look, we’ve had our
problems,
but not because you’re a woman or because I want a normal life, but
because we
were in Larkhall, with you on one side of the bars and me on the
other.
That’s all behind us now, and we need to give what we have a chance out
here in
the real world.” She took a slow, shaky breath, as if suddenly
afraid.
“That is, if you want to.”
Nikki
blinked rapidly as her eyes stung. “Of course I want to.
I’m just not sure what it is we have, Helen.”
“Well, I know that I love you,
Nikki. I
truly believe that you love me.”
“I’m completely in love with
you.”
“And we
have a understanding of where we’ve both been for the past three
years. That’s something that we’ll always share, no matter what.”
Nikki
thought of how well Helen had taken care of her the day of her release,
knowing
what it was that the ex-convict had really needed. “I suppose so.”
“We both
have the same ideals and beliefs, even if we have different
ideas on how
to go about them.”
“If that means we can get on each other’s last
nerve like
nobody else, I’m not sure that’s a plus.”
Helen
regarded her earnestly. “That’s mostly due to
a lack of communication, and again, that comes from being in
prison. Out here, we’ll still need to work on it, but at least
there’s
nothing in the way of that anymore…except for us.”
Nikki thought about it for a long moment. “Yeah, well…we both like the same books,” she offered finally.
“We both like music.”
“We both
like gardening…or in your case, gardeners.” That inspired a bit
of a
smile from Helen.
“We get
on very well in bed.”
“At least so far. It’s not like we’ve had
a whole
lot of
opportunity to confirm that theory.”
The
corner of Helen’s mouth quirked. “More research is definitely
required.”
“A lot
more research.” Nikki reached out her hand, gratified
when
Helen took it, their fingers entwining. “I’m willing to give this
a try if you are, Helen.”
“I
wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to try, Nikki."
“So…where
do we start?”
Helen smiled. “I think
kissing me would be an excellent way to begin.”
“I’m
sorry, Helen,” Nikki whispered when they parted, resting her forehead
on
Helen’s. “I shouldn’t have been so stupid about Waugh’s message.”
“No, I’m
sorry. I was going to
tell
you what really happened with Thomas and how much I’ve been lying to
myself the
past few months, but there wasn’t… I just couldn’t find the right
moment.”
“I didn’t exactly give you the chance to tell me
much of
anything before I left. I’ve been so messed up since my
release.”
She shivered slightly. “I
think I’m still messed up.”
Laying
her palm against Nikki’s cheek, Helen lifted her head so that she could
look
into her eyes. “It’ll take time before you have things worked
out.”
She searched for the words. “Nikki, you need to adjust to being
out of
Larkhall. We both do. Give us that chance.”
“I will.”
“No more
walking out without talking to me first,” Helen insisted, her jaw firm.
A faint
pink suffused Nikki’s cheeks. “I promise.” She paused, her
eyes
growing dark. “No more telling me it’s over every time we have a
fight.”
Helen
winced at the reminder. “I won’t. You’re going to have to
be the
one to say it’s over after this.”
“That works for me.” Nikki burrowed into
her neck, inhaling deeply. “You smell great, and
you look fantastic. Was that all for me?”
“Well, if
you didn’t see reason, I figured I go to Chix and find a woman who would
appreciate me."
“No need for that.” Nikki kissed her
throat. “God,
I love you.” Slipping her hand lazily
along
Helen’s side, she cupped her breast lightly. “And I want you so
much.”
Helen smiled,
practically
immobilized by the confines of the chair but willing to give it a try,
desire
growing strong within her. “Here?”
Nikki
lifted her head and Helen could feel the sudden emotional withdrawal
before Nikki even made a physical move to untangle herself from her and
the chair. “No, not here. It
wouldn’t be fair to Trisha for you and me…for
us to be here when she gets back.”
Helen stared at her, recognizing the combination of regret and sadness in her eyes. “Did something happen, Nikki?”
Startled, Nikki looked at her, and then flushed deeply, her face turning red. “Yeah, it did. I made a pass at Trisha this morning.”
That was
a solid blow, hitting with enough force to drive the air from Helen’s
lungs. With an effort, she didn’t let it show on her face.
“Why?”
“Because I was hurting
and I thought I’d lost you forever. Worse, I thought I’d
never really had you in the first place, that it was all a lie.
Trisha
was here, and for a moment, it was exactly like it used to be
between
us. I just wanted my
life to be
like it was before Larkhall. Like I was before Larkhall.”
Nikki hung
her head. “I’m sorry. It was stupid and wrong and wasn't
fair to Trisha and I
wish I’d
never done it.”
Helen was
hurt, but she tried hard to remember what state of mind Nikki had been
in since
her release. It didn’t necessarily make it easier to accept, but
it did
allow her to understand how it could have happened. “What did
Trisha do?’
Nikki
closed her eyes, obviously humiliated. “Told me to sod off.
Said
she wouldn’t put up with being my second choice, any more than I’d
settle for
being yours.”
Helen
unfolded herself from the chair. “Is this what I have to expect
from you,
Nikki?” she asked in a cool tone, feeling her fingers tremble.
“You
looking to find comfort in someone else’s arms every time we have a
misunderstanding?”
Nikki
started to reply, stopped, and shook her head. “No,”
she said, moderating her tone with a visible effort. “It was just
the circumstances. For
what’s it worth, I was never unfaithful to Trisha from the time we
committed to
each other until she ended it. I know how to be monogamous.”
“I
suppose I’ll have to take your word for it.”
Nikki
pinned her with a raw look. “Yeah, you will, just the same as I
have
to take
your word that you’re through pulling the boys. Is this what you
call communicating, Helen?”
Helen
flinched. “Believe it or not, it is. It’s about figuring
out the
bad along with the good and being completely honest about it. I
reckon I know now why Trisha called me and told me
where you
were.”
“Probably figured I was your
problem, not
hers.” Nikki
offered an awkward half shrug, then tilted
her head, offering a soulful look, the one with
the big
brown eyes that Helen had always found impossible to
resist. “Am I still your problem?”
Helen felt her heart melt. “I know I still want
you to be.”
“Good.” Nikki
looked relieved.
“What now?”
“I think we should go.” Nikki glanced upward, toward the second floor. “Give me a minute to grab my things and leave Trisha a note.”
Helen
wondered if it would hurt as much as the note she’d read.
Somehow, she
suspected it would, and again,
felt a deep empathy for Trisha. It was clear that she was
willing
and able to put Nikki’s happiness before her own, to the point where
she turned
down what might have been her best chance at getting her back. She even
took the further step to call Helen and tell her where she could find
Nikki. Helen wasn’t
sure she would have been that strong in her shoes.
“I’ll wait
for you out in the car."
Behind
the wheel of her Peugeot, Helen leaned back in the seat and looked
around at
the neighborhood, surprised yet again to realize just what kind of life
Nikki
had been planning for herself before the unfortunate incident with the
corrupt
police officer. Somehow, she’d pictured something a little
more…urban and
fashionable.
She
looked over as Nikki opened the passenger door and climbed into the
car,
tossing that same small sports bag into the back seat. “That
didn’t take
long.”
“Didn’t have much to pack.”
Helen
nodded, suddenly aware of how true that was. “Do you want to go
pick up a
few things?”
Nikki
glanced at her. “I don’t know. What am I doing now?
Moving in
with you? Everything’s been so moment to moment that I haven’t
really
thought about what’s going to happen to me now, and what I’ll need for
it.”
Helen
started the car and pulled slowly away from the curb. “I know
what you
mean. I’ve been operating for
awhile without any kind of
plan. I suppose the only real effort I’ve made in moving on is
putting
in job applications and doing interviews.”
“With
whom?”
Helen
hesitated. “Private sector, mostly.”
Nikki
glanced at her sharply. “Do you think that there’ll be problems
for you
getting another job in the prison service?”
“I did
leave Larkhall without any sort of reasonable explanation. The Home
Office tends to frown on that.”
“Not to
mention the fact that you’re now consorting with an ex-inmate. I bet
they’ll frown on that even more.”
Helen
didn’t want to acknowledge that might be a problem, but
she had no choice. Better to accept the reality
now, rather than later. She reached over and patted Nikki
reassuringly on
the leg. “I’ll find something.”
“Like
what?”
“I don’t
know,” Helen said. “But I want it to be something that allows me
to help women.”
“Maybe
you should talk to Monica Lindsay. Maybe we
both
should.”
Surprised,
Helen glanced at her. “What about the club?”
Nikki
made a bit of a face. “I don’t think it’ll be very comfortable
working
with Trisha. Not her fault, it’s mine, but maybe I should just
accept
that I’m starting completely over. That includes finding a new
career.”
“If that’s what you want.”
Nikki
started to say something, hesitated, and then took a breath.
“Helen,
remember how I told you the club was doing well? Between that and
the
fact I haven’t had to spend anything the past five years, I’ve managed
to stash
quite a bit away. You needn’t worry about my paying a share of
the
housekeeping. In fact, I can easily pay all of it if things start
getting tight
for you with no money coming in.”
Helen
blinked, feeling a bit relieved at the revelation though she wasn’t
about to
let on how much. She’d had some savings put away before her
unexpected
resignation, but it would only carry her so far with the mortgage and
car
payments looming, not to mention all the other bills. If she’d
been
required to support two people…well, it just became easier now that she
knew
Nikki was solvent, she decided.
“And here
I was, thinking all I’d get was some free gardening out of the
deal.” She glanced at Nikki and smiled. “We’ll figure out
the finances,
sweetheart, but
it’s good to know you have a cushion to work with.”
“So I’m staying with you?”
“Let’s
give it a try. At least until one of us needs
to try
something different.”
“Okay.”
Nikki leaned back in her seat, as if relieved that a
decision of
sorts had been made. Helen supposed she was, too, and focused on
her
driving, wanting to get home as soon as possible.
“I can’t
believe you came after me,” Nikki said after a few moments.
Helen was
puzzled. “Why wouldn’t I come after you?”
“Well,
it’s not exactly like you’ve spent a lot of time pursuing me. I
always
had to chase you.”
“I always knew where you were,” Helen said finally, after thinking about it a moment. “I didn’t need to chase you.” She looked over and lifted her brows at Nikki’s expression. “Look, I know you think I played the power game in our relationship in Larkhall, and maybe I did on occasion, but that was how it had to be. Things are different between us out here. Even if I didn’t understand that before, I certainly got it when I read your note and realized you could walk away so easily.”
“It
wasn’t easy, Helen. It was one of
the
hardest things I ever had to do. Everything that happened in
Larkhall was a
bloody cakewalk in
comparison.”
“But the
fact that you could walk away at all was…it scared me,” Helen admitted
quietly.
“And it hurt.”
"I'm sorry."
Nikki
turned her head, looking out the window. “But maybe
now you know
how it
felt all those times with me.”
Helen
frowned. “How long are you going to hang onto that, Nikki?
I’m only
going to apologize the once, you know.” A furrow appeared in
Nikki’s brow, and it looked as if she were
biting her lip to keep from saying something.
“What?”
“I wasn’t
aware that you had apologized for any of it.”
Helen
searched her memory, and realized that perhaps Nikki had a
point,
much as she hated to admit it. “Fine,” she said grudgingly.
“I’m
sorry for all the times I hurt you.” Nikki nodded, apparently
satisfied
by that.
Helen
looked over at her. “Well?”
Surprised,
Nikki glanced at her. “Huh?”
“Are
you going to apologize to me?”
“For
what?”
“For
all the times you hurt me.”
Nikki
gave her a look that Helen couldn’t quite decipher
but suspected wasn’t entirely benevolent. “Name one
time that I didn’t end up groveling for you to forgive me.”
Helen
searched her memory a second time. “Shit.”
Nikki
just shook her head as if suddenly wondering what she was doing with
her, and Helen wasn’t entirely sure she could give her a good
reason.
As she got out of Helen’s car,
Nikki experienced a distinct sense of déjà vu. Surreptitiously,
she watched her as they climbed the concrete stairs
to her
front door, waiting as she fumbled with the keys. Helen shot her
a look
as she turned the lock.
“Don’t let me forget to give you a set.”
“I’m sure I’ll remember the first time I lock myself out,” Nikki said
dryly,
sparking a smile. She loved Helen’s smile, and
generating
one with just a comment always left her with a sense of accomplishment
that
could get her through an entire day.
Inside, she followed her up the short flight of stairs and across the
living
room. By the sofa, she put her hands on the other woman’s waist,
halting
her progress. Surprised, Helen glanced over her shoulder,
offering a look
of inquiry, and what might possibly be a certain expectation.
Nikki
smiled, urging her around, and as Helen dropped her purse on the coffee
table,
she pulled her into her arms and kissed her. Helen responded by
putting
her arms around Nikki and pulling her closer. Nikki could
feel her
fingertips toying with the curls at the back of her neck.
She lengthened the kiss, her palms smoothing over Helen’s back,
delighting in
the warmth of her body pressing against her. When they finally
parted,
Nikki nuzzled into the soft, shiny hair. “Have we done
enough
communicating for today?”
Helen leaned into her. “What do you have
against
talking?”
“Well, you know me, as long as my gob’s open, I’m getting into
trouble.
The odds of me saying something stupid and pissing you off increase the
longer
the conversation continues.” Nikki put her lips next to her ear.
“Besides
I can think of much better uses for my mouth.”
Helen
shivered pleasurably. “Such as?”
“Oh, I think you know.” Helen seemed
to
hesitate
and
Nikki frowned. "That is, if you
want
to..."
"Of
course I want to, sweetheart," Helen said immediately. "It's
just...could you hold me for awhile first?"
Helen
drew back to look at her, a half smile on her lips. “You mean,
like a date?”
“Why not? We’ll find a posh restaurant,
do a
little dancing at a club, take a carriage ride through the park…”
Helen’s
smile widened. “I thought you said you weren’t the soppy type.”
“Yeah, well, don’t spread
it around.”
Helen
kissed her mouth gently. “Thank you, sweetheart,” she said
quietly.
“Tonight I just want to stay in with you, but I’ll definitely take a
rain check
for that dinner.”
“Just say when."
“I will.” They looked at each other some more,
as if
neither could
get enough of the other. “Sometimes it’s
hard to believe you’re
really
here.”
Nikki
found it hard to catch her breath, feeling absurdly on the verge of
tears
suddenly. “I know what you mean. After
all we’ve been through…”
“There
have been a lot of ups and downs.” Helen brushed
her nose
over Nikki’s chin, nuzzling her lightly. “But I
can’t wait
to see what happens next.”
“Neither can I.”
Dipping
her head, their lips met once more, and
this time there was no hesitation as Helen returned the kiss, her
tongue
questing and provocative, tracing Nikki’s lips before slipping between
to
explore her mouth. Arms tightening about her neck, she drew Nikki
backward through the arch, across the hall and into the
bedroom.
Nikki went willingly, keeping half an eye open as they kissed to make
sure Helen didn’t back into any walls or doorframes as she led her to
the bed.
There
she began to undress Helen between the long, slow, passionate kisses,
pulling
the long sleeved shirt over her head. When Helen made a move to
return the gesture, putting her hands on her waist to
tug
Nikki’s blouse loose, she reached down and grasped Helen’s
wrists.
“No,” she
murmured, lifting their hands so that she could kiss Helen’s knuckles
gently. “Let me. I want you to relax and enjoy it.”
“I’m not usually a passive participant,
sweetheart.”
Nikki
lifted her brows. “Oh, believe me, darling, I know, but I want to
show
you how much I love you. Will you let me?”
Helen
didn’t look completely sure. “As long as I’m able,” was all she
could
offer in the way of a promise.
That was
sufficient for Nikki. Running her fingers lightly over Helen’s
shoulders
and down her arms, she slid around to her back where she unfastened the
hooks
of her bra, releasing it and the full breasts it contained. Helen
exhaled
loudly as Nikki covered them with her hands, squeezing lightly as she
kissed
her again, a deep, hot, open mouth kiss that made her
whimper in the
back of her throat. Nikki could feel the stiff points jab into
her palms, and she teased them as Helen
arched into her. Unable to remain completely passive, she lifted
her
hands to take Nikki’s face between them, holding her as they kissed,
and then
tangling in the dark hair as Nikki nibbled a line down her throat to
her
chest.
As each tender nipple was nibbled and licked,
Helen threw her head back, moaning
softly.
She looked down only when Nikki knelt before her, kissing her stomach
tenderly
as she fumbled for the catch on the side of the long, black skirt.
“Nikki?”
Helen cupped the woman's cheek with her palm, her eyes luminous as she
gazed down
at her.
Nikki
smiled and let the skirt fall to the ground, collapsing in folds about
Helen’s
feet and leaving her naked but for the brief covering of black, lace
panties. Nikki groaned when she saw them, feeling the heat rise in her
with irristable demand.
“Shh,”
she whispered, pressing her lips against the soft mat of hair beneath
the dark triangle
of
cloth. “Let me…”
She
kissed Helen’s upper legs, mouthed a trail down to her knees, and then
parted
them so that she could meander back up the soft skin on the inside of
her
thighs. By the time she was drawing near the promising warmth at
the
apex, Helen was trembling so much, Nikki was truly afraid that she’d
fall
down. Carefully, she
pushed her back until her knees hit the side of the bed and
she
collapsed across the mattress, legs parted for Nikki to kneel
between them.
Helen
cried out softly as Nikki nuzzled her through the silk panties,
sensing
the moisture held back by only the thinnest of margins. She had
not
tasted Helen for well over a year, though the memory of it had
haunted
her nights in Larkhall; had tormented her with the fear, and then the
belief,
that she would never have any more than that single sweet
encounter.
Unable
to resist, Nikki hooked her fingers in the band and drew the sodden
scrap of
cloth down the golden legs, leaving Helen exposed and open to
her. She
continued
to kiss the inside of her thighs, explored into the warm hollows at
their juncture, brushed her mouth over the puffy outer lips,
but kept
carefully away from the tender inner flesh.
“Nikki.”
Helen’s voice was raw and helpless, unable to keep quiet any
longer.
“You’re driving me mad.”
“I want to enjoy this, darling,” Nikki murmured between nuzzles and kisses to everywhere but where Helen wanted her to go. “I want to take my time to see and smell and taste you. I’ve waited so long for this.” She reached under Helen's legs, draping them over her shoulders, and then took Helen’s hands in her own, gripping the fingers tightly.
Helen
groaned. “I don’t know how much longer I can wait.”
Indeed,
she was glistening from the fluid seeping from her opening, the pink
nodule
prominent and fully aroused. Her aroma was musky and wonderfully
ripe,
and Nikki inhaled it deeply, wanting to plunge in and immerse herself
in
it. Instead, she extended the tip of her tongue,
and with a deliberate delicacy, drew it lightly along the
firm little ridge, the fleeting contact lifting Helen’s hips from the
bed as
she shuddered.
“Oh, God,
Nikki…please….”
Deciding she had prolonged this as much as she dared, Nikki covered the warm wetness with her mouth, tongue dancing skillfully over the nodule, alternating between firmness and fluttering touch. She wasn’t surprised when Helen convulsed almost immediately, thighs closing about Nikki’s head as the powerful orgasm swept through her. Nikki guided her through it with gentle kisses, keeping her twitching lightly, and then slowly, she began to arouse her again, ignoring her feeble protests.
She
released her grip on Helen’s hand, freeing up her fingers so that she
could
enter her with slow ease as she licked and nibbled and sucked on the
little
bundle of nerves. The slick inner walls closed tightly about her
probing fingers, and with careful timing, she
found that smooth spot inside, pressing on it in a rhythmic pattern
that made
Helen actually scream out Nikki’s name. Nikki hadn’t
been sure Helen possessed a g-spot…not every woman did…and she
certainly
hadn’t
the opportunity prior to this to find it, so it was extremely
gratifying to
discover it now.
It was
more than gratifying for Helen. By the time Nikki was through, she lay
limp and
almost insensate on the bed, sprawled across it with boneless
lethargy.
Nikki rose to her feet and looked down at her with possessive pleasure.
“You're
definitely not cheap, luv,” Nikki told her dryly as she began to
strip off
her garments while Helen watched with lazy enjoyment, resting and
recuperating her
strength. By the time Nikki joined her on the bed, Helen was more
than
eager to pull her lanky form into her arms.
Nikki
groaned at the sheer delight of Helen’s warm body against her, of the
soft
curves and silky skin welcoming her. Their lips met and Helen did
not
hesitate at the taste of herself on Nikki’s mouth, not letting her go
until she
had kissed her thoroughly.
“You’re
amazing."
“You’re gorgeous…and you taste bloody
fantastic.”
Helen blushed and Nikki lifted her brows. “Has no one ever told
you that
before?”
“No…not
that way.”
“What way?”
Helen looked a bit bashful. “Like you mean
it, not like you’re
trying to
get me to do something in return.”
Nikki
thought about that, finally working out what Helen might have
meant. “You
didn’t like giving blow jobs?”
“It wasn’t my favorite,” Helen admitted. “I didn’t mind it, I suppose. I was rather good at it, or so I was informed.”
“Well, I, on the other hand, am a card carrying
lesbian
who
absolutely adores pussy, especially yours.” Helen blushed again,
her cheeks glowing pink,
and
Nikki laughed. She thought she was absolutely
adorable. “And
you?”
“I haven’t exactly had the chance to find out
what I
like yet.”
Nikki
thought over their encounters. The first frantic night of her
escape,
they’d made love twice, Nikki using her hands, and then her mouth on
Helen. Helen had only used her hands,
and now Nikki realized that it was more a matter of inexperience
than
preference. The night of her release, it was merely a lazy and
mutual
exploration that hadn’t involved oral pleasuring by either woman.
“So you
haven’t." She hesitated. “Do you…um,
what do you
think about it?”
“I’m
madly curious,” Helen admitted with a charming honesty. “In
fact, I always regretted that
I
didn’t try it the night of your escape…but when you saw the letter and
then we
fought about you going back to Larkhall…well, there just wasn’t the
opportunity, was there?”
“No,
there wasn’t." Nikki nuzzled her lightly. “I’m
not
going anywhere now.”
Helen looked
at her
slyly. “Was that an invitation?”
“More like
begging, darling.”
Helen
licked Nikki’s essence from her lips and smiled with somewhat roguish
satisfaction.
She suspected Nikki hadn’t been ready for such enthusiastic exploration
of what was an entirely new sexual
expression for Helen,
but she’d certainly been the benefactor of it. Now Nikki
lay
sprawled on her belly in indolent pleasure, head pillowed on her
crossed
forearms as she regarded Helen with half closed eyes. She looked
like a
big, dark haired cat, and evoked the same impression of feline
contentment.
“Do I get
to carry a card now?” Helen asked playfully as she ran her fingers
lightly down
the long spine of the lovely back.
Nikki
smiled lazily. “I’ll stamp it with my own personal
endorsement.”
She peered at her sideways, from the corner of her eye. “You were
fantastic, darling. Are you sure you haven’t done that before?”
“I have a very good imagination."
“I think
I’m going to like your imagination.”
“I hope
so.” Helen leaned over and kissed Nikki’s shoulder blade, then
her
shoulder, continuing the path to her neck where she nibbled
playfully.
Nikki arched and practically purred under her touch, and Helen found
herself
wanting her anew, just as if she had not spent the past hour or so
pleasuring
her. “Roll over."
Nikki laughed, as if knowing
what she had in
mind, and glanced up at her with lifted brows. “Why, Miss
Stewart, aren’t
you finished with me yet?”
Helen
eased them both over until she was lying on top of Nikki,
cushioned
by the firm breasts and muscular stomach. “I'll never be finished
with you.”
“Good.”
A few more
hours passed and finally, sheer attrition required that they take a
break. Helen managed to roll out of bed and stagger to the
bathroom where
she took a long, hot shower. When she returned to the bedroom,
feeling
somewhat revived, she discovered Nikki sound asleep, curled up in the
center of
the bed like a child, cheek resting on her hands in the classic angelic
position. Helen smiled fondly, leaned over to kiss her
lightly
on the temple, and drew the duvet up over her, tucking her in.
Out in
the kitchen, she scrounged up enough to make some sandwiches and made a
mental
note that they would have to go to the grocers tomorrow. She
paused at
the thought, staring blankly out the window over the sink. She
was
already thinking in terms of ‘they’ and ‘them’, as being one half of a
couple
now. They both had glossed over it as if it were a temporary
thing, but the
actuality was
that they were going to be living together for the foreseeable
future.
Nikki would want to bring in her own things, start changing the house, and Helen would have to bite
her tongue and allow it because that was part of the deal.
She shook
her head, acknowledging that she had made the decision based on the
fact that
Nikki walked away from her. Not entirely sure that it was the
correct
one, but aware that most decisions she made regarding her
were
always agonized over, she supposed nothing really had changed.
Who was she kidding? Everything had
changed. Now
that Nikki was a free woman, Helen was going to have to deal with her
on that
level, not as someone she was responsible for, not as someone who was
unobtainable, not as some guilty little secret that she had to hide but
was
unable to resist. Only time would tell how successful she would
be…and of
course, Nikki. Nikki had never been afraid to speak to Helen in
any
manner when she had complete authority over her. She
definitely
wouldn’t be afraid to tell how it was now that they were on equal
footing.
After
eating her sandwiches at the kitchen table, Helen cleaned up and went
back to
bed. Slipping out of her robe, she crawled under the duvet with
Nikki, wrapping her arms around her from behind. Nikki smelled of
sex, and Helen nuzzled into the short
dark hair, amazed to find herself aroused once more. Making a
sleepy sound of pleasure,
Nikki
pressed back into the embrace.
“Are you
awake?”
“Not for long. You’ve worn me out, woman.”
Helen
smiled and nibbled her earlobe. “You’re just out of practice.”
“I must
be, because I’m not sure I can keep up with you at the moment.”
Helen
rubbed Nikki’s belly lightly. “Are you hungry? Can I get
you
something?”
“I’m
fine. I can live off you for days.”
“You may have to if we don’t go to the grocers
tomorrow.
The fridge is looking a bit bare.”
Nikki
reached back with her hand and stroked Helen’s hip, not as an
invitation to do
more, but simply as a way to be closer to her. Helen understood
that. The need to touch Nikki, to be in physical contact with
her, was a
constant craving. She loved how Nikki’s back felt against her
breasts
and stomach, how the soft swell of buttocks tucked neatly into her
groin, how
the long legs tangled warmly with hers.
“I need some things, too,” Nikki murmured. “I have to get the rest of my clothes out of storage, and I think I should pick up a few things from Trisha’s house.”
“Is one of them that ugly blue chair by the
fireplace?”
Nikki
turned her head so that she could look at Helen over her
shoulder. “What,
don’t you like it?” She lifted her brows and
sighed. “Neither did Trisha. I don’t know
why. It’s the most comfortable chair I’ve ever sat in.”
“It’s
fine, sweetheart,” Helen said gently. So it begins, she
thought, and
why shouldn’t it? “We’ll put it in the bay window by the
bookcases.”
“Perfect.”
Nikki sounded a little surprised but rather pleased.
“Anything
else?”
“No, that’s really the only thing that’s stayed
with me
so
long. I've never had a lot of possessions as a
rule.
I did
own a decent collection of books, but when I was sent up, I had Trisha
donate
them to the local library. I wasn’t allowed any in my cell, and she didn’t read all that
much.” She paused, a catch developing in her voice, and Helen
wondered
how difficult a decision that had been, how much it had indicated a
sense of
hopelessness about having any kind of future. “Do you know what
it meant
for you to allow me to have them, to give me a book to read and
keep? I
think that’s when I first fell in love with you.”
Comfortingly, she kissed the back of
Nikki's neck and then laid her cheek on her
shoulder. “Well, I can’t say
I
expected that response when I did it. I was just trying to get
you on my
side.”
Nikki
made a small sound that might have been amusement. “I was always
on your
side, Helen. Not necessarily on the wing governor’s side, but
always on yours.”
“Hmm.”
Helen decided that wasn’t the sort of discussion she should get into at
the
moment. “How many
clothes?”
“Huh?”
“Well, will it require me to
empty a
couple of drawers or do we need to buy another bureau?”
“We’d better stop by the furniture shop.
It might
take
two.”
“Ah,
okay.” Helen began reorganizing the bedroom in her mind, trying
to figure
out where she would fit in more dressers. She supposed that this
was no
different than when Sean moved in, though all he brought in the way of
clothes
only took up a quarter of the closet and three drawers.
Undoubtedly,
Nikki was far more of a clotheshorse than he was. Come to think
of it,
all the clothes she wore in prison, even the baggy sweats and jeans she
had
worn, all had designer labels. There was no question she
liked to
dress well.
“Does
that bother you?” Nikki’s question was low, almost uncertain.
“What?”
“My
bringing stuff in here?” She shifted, and Helen had to loosen her
embrace
so that Nikki could roll over until they were facing each
other. Her dark eyes were serious as she regarded Helen.
“I
know you
asked me to move in but…”
“This is
what I want, Nikki,” Helen said quietly but firmly, interrupting
her. “This
is going
to be your home now, and your back garden and your car…well, you might
have to
get your own car.”
Nikki
stared at her a moment, as if weighing her sincerity, then relaxed and
smiled. “Actually, I have one in storage.”
"Do
you? What kind?"
Expecting a Volvo or a Volkswagon or even one like hers.
"A Ferrari
355GTS with a targa top. It's red."
"A Ferrari?"
Helen could hardly believe it. "You're kidding me."
"Not at all.
I'll take you for a drive tomorrow."
"Is your
insurance up to date?"
Nikki
hesitated. "Not exactly," she admitted. "Come to think of it, I
probably need to
brush up on
my driving skills. It’s been a few years since
I’ve had
it out.”
“That's probably a good idea..” Helen
exhaled, deciding to think about what Nikki having a Ferari actually
portended tomorrow. Settling against Nikki’s body,
she nestled her
head on her shoulder. Nikki responded by wrapping her arms around
her and huging her tight, making a soft sound of pleasure in the back
of her throat. Helen closed her eyes,
feeling a sense of contentment steal over her.
“I’m so
happy,” she murmured.
Nikki
laughed. “I know. Here we are, unemployed, no prospects,
I’m an
ex-con, and yet, I can’t imagine being any happier than I am right at this
moment.”
Helen
rubbed her cheek against the soft skin of Nikki’s upper chest.
“Well, if
you’re going to put it that way…”
Nikki
nuzzled her admonishingly. “You know what I mean.”
“Yes, I do, and I feel the same,
sweetheart. I
really think it’ll be all right from
now on.”
“I hope
so. If it isn’t, we’ll only have ourselves to
blame. Not Fenner, not Larkhall, not even each other, but only
ourselves
if we don’t do our best to make this work.”
“I
agree.” Helen turned her head to kiss the hollow of her
collarbone.
“Are you really tired, Nikki?”
“Are you kidding me?”
Helen
lifted her brows. “We do have three years to catch up on.”
“And you
plan to do it all tonight?”
“Well,
unless you can’t handle me…” She trailed off suggestively.
Nikki
rolled them over until she was on top, looking down at Helen.
“Be careful what you wish for, Miss Stewart. You might just get
it.”
Helen smiled at her. “We
both
might.”
Epilogue
Trisha could tell
the house
was empty the second she walked through the door. When she had
seen Stewart’s car, the little red Peugeot, was no longer parked by the
curb, her
hopes had risen, but that hadn’t lasted any longer than the second it
took to
enter the house. It almost echoed with the loneliness of Nikki’s
departure.
Putting her keys on the table, she walked through the silent rooms to the living room. There, in Nikki's battered blue chair, she curled up and stared blankly at the cold ashes in the hearth. There was a folded piece of paper on the mantle. Her name was scrawled across it, in Nikki’s distinctive handwriting, but she made no move to retrieve it. She suspected what it said, and she had all the time in the world to read it. There was no need to take on that hurt any sooner than she had to.
Should she have fought for her, she wondered? Should she have tried harder to give Nikki a real choice in the matter? Should she have accepted Nikki’s pass the previous morning, even knowing that she would be nothing more than a salve to the woman’s wounded pride and hurt?
It wouldn’t have made any difference, she decided as tears slowly
trickled down
her face. Perhaps she had lost all opportunity to make any kind
of
difference when she had given up on them years earlier. When
loneliness
and despair had made her turn briefly to another, and ended
up costing her the best thing she’d ever had.
Of course, it could turn out that Nikki and Helen wouldn’t
succeed. Once
the drama of being star-crossed lovers was gone, and
the everyday stresses and strains of making an ordinary
life work began to take its toll, then maybe, just maybe Nikki would
come back her. But Trisha
couldn’t rely
on that.
She had
to accept that Nikki had moved on. It was time she finally moved
on as
well. But for
now, she could mourn for what had been, for what could have been, and
for what
would probably never be.