This
story takes up where the third
series left off
for Helen and Nikki. This was posted to my site on July 2nd,
2005.
“Have a wonderful night.”
Helen Stewart offered a
tremulous
smile and turned away, disappearing into the crowd. Nikki watched
her go,
feeling her heart break one more time…one final time where Helen was
concerned. She'd probably never see her
again.
Helen was on her way home to be with Thomas Waugh, the senior
medical
official for Larkhall prison, and there was no place in her life for
Nikki.
Larkhall
was where Nikki had spent the last five years, and where she
undoubtedly
would
still be if it weren’t for Helen.
Convicted
of murdering a police officer who had been trying to rape her
girlfriend, Nikki Wade had been freed
this very
day on appeal, her sentence reduced to manslaughter with provocation,
three
years and time served. Helen had met Nikki in prison while
working there
as the wing governor, and had been instrumental in making the appeal
happen.
In a way, this was as much a victory and vindication for the prison
service
officer as it was for the freed inmate.
It should
be the happiest day of Nikki’s life,
but catching the last glimpse of Helen as she slipped out
the
door, Nikki didn’t think she would ever be truely happy again.
Around
her, the music played loudly, and
people who had come out in support of her thronged the dance floor of
the club
she owned with her business partner and ex-girlfriend, Trisha.
The
celebration tasted like ashes in her mouth, and blinking back the
tears in
her eyes, she swallowed hard against the lump in her throat.
Moving as if drugged, she returned to where Trisha was waiting
for her at the
bar.
Picking
up her bottle of beer, Nikki forced a bit of a smile, hoping it didn’t
look as
pained as it felt. “Let’s get blasted,” she said with deliberate
cheer.
Trisha let out a small expulsion of breath that was almost but not quite a laugh. “Don’t get too pissed.”
Startled,
Nikki looked at her. The woman, blonde and beautiful with level
blue
eyes, had been a part of Nikki’s life for a long time. They had
spent
seven years together before Nikki’s incarceration, and then two more
before
time, distance and sheer loneliness had caused Trisha to turn to
someone
else. They had ended their
romantic relationship, but the
friendship remained. Trisha had also beenl part
of the appeal process, lobbying, working up
petitions, and
drumming up publicity to address the unfair sentence Nikki had
received.
She was there in the appeals court every day, a solid presence of
support, and
when the judge freed Nikki, she had been the first to reach her,
pulling her
into a warm embrace.
Earlier,
they had talked about resuming their relationship, of starting over and
trying
again. Nikki’s heart was with Helen, but it was clear that was
a road
that led nowhere, and she still loved Trisha in her own way. She
had
toasted to new beginnings, not promising anything, but willing to give
it a try
at least. It was better than the alternative.
“What?”
Nikki hesitated, and then realized that perhaps Trisha wanted her
upright and
semi-sober for the rest of the night. She dipped her head
sheepishly,
reaching out to sling her arm around the blonde’s shoulders.
“Love you,
Babes.”
To her
surprise, Trisha deliberately reached up and pushed Nikki’s arm off
her, easing
away from the clumsy embrace. She lifted her head, offering a
gaze that
was both regretful and compassionate.
“If you
run, you can still catch her.”
Nikki
stared at her, stricken, and then, unable to hold her gaze, she looked
away. “She’s not interested in me.”
Nikki held the look a few seconds more, and then put her hand lightly on Trisha’s shoulder before moving past her, hurrying for the door. Had she looked back, she might have seen the fleeting expression of heartbreak on Trisha’s face as she picked up the bottle of champagne and drank directly from it. But Nikki was too intent on finding the woman she loved, on pursuing the hope that had re-blossomed within her chest.
The hope
died as
she rushed out onto the pavement, seeing the black shape of a cab drive
away
and the last tantalizing glimpse of a woman’s head in the back
seat. She
stared after it in despair, wondering how she could possibly survive
this roller
coaster
of elation and anguish that she’d been on since her release.
“You
looking for someone?”
The
Scottish accent was distinct, and
Nikki’s heart fluttered in her chest as she whirled to see Helen
standing on
the pavement. Her thoughts were giddy. She waited,
she
thought. Then dark reality imposed itself. Perhaps
she’d just
missed that cab and was waiting for another.
Forcing a smile, she walked toward her,
searching for a poise that
seemed
beyond her reach. Helen Stewart was not a particularly tall
woman, nor
was she strikingly beautiful. Her loveliness was one that grew on
people
the more they were in her presence, and it was a powerful presence, one
of
boundless energy and passion. She was dressed in black pants and
a red
leather jacket over a black cotton shirt. Shining hair fell
lightly to
her collar, curling slightly, darkish with blonde highlights and her
eyes…oh
god, her eyes. Nikki felt as if she were drowning in them every
time she
looked into the greenish irises, flecked with gold and rimmed with
brown, as
wonderful and complicated as the woman herself.
Nikki wanted
to play it cool, wanted to conceal the surge of
delight at
the sight of her. “Thought
it was a bit rude not to ask you to stay for a drink.” After
all, she had to come up with some kind of explanation for rushing out
onto the
street like a mad woman.
“Well, I
figured if I waited out here long enough…”
Helen’s
tone was playful and Nikki didn’t quite know what was going on…and was
too
afraid to speculate. “So…do you want to
come back in?”
“Could stay for one, I suppose.”
Helen’s
playful expression altered as they looked at each other.
“Thomas
and I split up.” She paused, her eyes searching Nikki’s
face. “I’ve
been such an idiot, Nikki.”
Nikki felt her heart sink. The woman just needed a shoulder, just as she’d provided so many times before during their impossible friendship in prison.
“I know
what you’re saying,” she said, turning her head, unable to meet her
eyes in
case Helen saw how much she was hurting. That’s all they were,
friends,
even though for one brief time, Nikki had thought…had dreamed…it could
be more.
The harsh reality of the bars between them ended it
all and
Helen found a man to love, making it clear that was that
she
wanted, not anything Nikki could offer.
Helen
took a step closer. “No, let me say it. Thomas is
gorgeous.
He’s everything you could want in a man.” She paused, her gaze
both
afraid and longing at the same time. “But I want a woman.”
Helen
smiled. “Yeah, dead slow.”
Nikki lifted her hand to touch the soft hair, feeling Helen grasp the lapels of her black coat, pulling her closer and lifting her face in unmistakable invitation. Closing her eyes, Nikki leaned forward into the kiss, sinking into the soft lips and tender mouth, still afraid to completely surrender to it, in case it was all nothing more than a dream.
Helen
wouldn’t let her hold back, pressing into her and deepening the second
kiss,
the touch of her tongue on Nikki’s fleeting but very real. Nikki
drew
back, looking at her with wonder, and Helen smiled before glancing
around. Belatedly, Nikki realized they were in the middle of the
pavement
with pedestrians walking past, and with a wry grin, she drew Helen over
to the
entryway of a nearby building, turning to lean against the smooth
surface of
polished concrete. Helen moved against her easily, settling into
the
embrace as if it was exactly
where she belonged…as if she had never left it.
She felt
so good in her arms, and Nikki
didn’t know whether to laugh or cry as they kissed and kissed until she
thought
she would perish from the sheer bliss of it. Helen’s scent
was
intoxicating in her nostrils, feminine, with a hint of perfume and some
fragrance
that was uniquely her own. The sound of her breath and soft
murmurs were
music to her ears, so strong that Nikki wasn’t entirely sure
what
she was saying between the kisses. The touch of her hands on
Nikki’s neck
and face left tingling patterns wherever they went, and the taste of
her was so
familiar, and yet so incredibly new and wonderful,
that Nikki couldn’t get enough of it.
Her
senses were overwhelmed and suddenly, she felt dizzy. If it
weren’t for
the solid structure at her back holding her up and Helen supporting her from the front, she
probably would
have collapsed. As Nikki
tilted forward, Helen needed a bit of muscle
to push
her back against the building.
“Nikki?”
Blinking,
her blood roaring in her ears, Nikki actually needed a moment to
refocus,
pulling in long shuddering breaths of cold London air, flavored
liberally with
car exhaust. Helen’s voice sounded as if it were coming from a
significant distance away.
“Are you
all right?”
Finally,
the roaring subsided, and the blackness edging her vision slowly
receded. Confused, Nikki looked into Helen’s concerned
features.
“I’m…” She
began, hesitated, swallowed against a parched throat and shook her head
slightly to clear it. “I don’t know…I just felt a bit lightheaded
suddenly. I’m sorry…”
“Don’t
be.” Helen's tone altered, becoming
subtly
professional. “What happens next, Nikki?”
Still not feeling herself, Nikki frowned.
“Huh? What
do you mean?”
“I mean, what are
your
plans now? I know you’re having the party. What about
afterward? Where were you planning to stay tonight?” Helen
lifted her borws. “Have you eaten recently?”
Nikki
felt embarrassed and wasn’t quite sure why, trying to figure out which
of the questions
to answer first. She took them in reverse order. “Uh, not
since
breakfast at Larkhall.”
“It’s the middle of the afternoon. How
much have
you had to drink?”
“Some
champagne. A pint or two.” She felt defensive. “I’m
not
drunk.”
“Maybe
not, but you’re not entirely sober either.” Helen put her
fingers beneath Nikki’s chin, lifting her face slightly as she studied
it. “Do you have a place to stay?”
“I suppose…probably Trisha thought I was
going home
with her
tonight but that’s not going to happen now. I reckon I’ll get a
hotel
room somewhere.” The reality of it started to impose itself and
she felt
a shiver of something she didn’t recognize go through her.
Helen
still had that concerned look on her face. “Will you come home
with me?”
“I’m not
sure I’ll do you much good at the moment, Helen,” Nikki said in a low
voice, feeling absurdly shy and
uncertain all of a sudden.
Helen
blinked, and then smiled ruefully. “That wasn’t exactly what I
had in
mind. I’m just offering you a place to stay until you figure out
what to
do next. Do you want to come with me now?”
Nikki
couldn’t think of a better offer that could come her way.
“I’d love
to.”
She forced herself to deal with what was
happening, wondering if
her last really coherent moment had been on the steps of the Appeals
court when
she gave her speech to the press, thanking the one woman who had
believed in
her, who had been there for her no matter how tough things got…the woman
who was now standing beside her, taking her arm and leading her away
from the
shelter of the overhang.
“Come on,
Nikki. Is there anything you need from the club?”
Nikki
felt oddly detached. She was functioning,
but
everything she did, everything she said, took an effort, a few seconds
of
concentrated thought before she reacted. It was very odd and
disconcerting.
“Uh, the
bag I brought from Larkhall. It’s in the office.”
“Okay.
Let’s go."
Helen
knew that Nikki wasn’t
entirely
together at the moment. It had been too many hours since she’d
eaten,
there was a significant amount of alcohol in her system and the reality
of
being free was finally starting to sink in. The whole situation
was heady
enough for Helen, and she’d had been on the outside all these years.
For Nikki,
it must be completely overwhelming.
Back in the nightclub, the music hit the women like a blow, loud and
pulsing
after the relative quiet of the city street outside. Nikki took
the lead,
easing through the people with an ease that was borne of long practice
and
familiarity, careful not to confront anyone by making eye contact, yet
still
making her way past quickly and efficiently, a skill that was
invaluable in the
close confines of Larkhall. Helen trailed in her wake as they
made it to
the bar where Trisha waited, an indecipherable
look on her face.
“Taking off, are you?”
There was
almost, but not quite, something
of an edge in her tone, and Helen realized that Trisha was still in
love with Nikki, but the challenge in her gaze as
she
glanced at her was no longer present.
It was
as if Trisha knew she had lost any chance she had, and there was
nothing left
to fight for. Helen felt sorry for her, and humbled by the
knowledge that
finally, Nikki could be hers, without any need for restraint or fear of
reprisal…provided of course, that they
could deal with all they had been through together and put it into
proper
perspective before starting their relationship anew.
For now,
she, like Nikki, was just getting through it one moment at a time.
Trisha
led them to the office at the rear of the club. It was small and
cramped
but with the door shut, the music and crowd noise was dulled to a
manageable
background murmur. A large,
clear, plastic bag sat on the old wooden desk. Filled with a few meager
possessions, it was what all inmates carried away from Larkhall. Helen felt a tiny
twinge in the vicinity of her heart when she saw the paperback book
resting on
the small, neatly folded pile of clothing. Sophie’s World had
been the
first book Helen had given to Nikki,
and had she known where that simple gesture would lead…well,
she’d do it
again in a heartbeat.
Of
course, the book in the bag wasn’t the original. That had been
destroyed
in a fire in Nikki’s cell. Helen had given her another copy later, and it pleased her that she still had it,
especially since she’d believed it had been taken
from
Nikki during an unfortunate incident with Jim Fenner. The same set of
circumstances that had resulted in Helen being forced to resign as
Larkhall’s
acting number one.
There was
an acid taste in the back of Helen’s throat at the thought of
the
corrupt prison guard, and with an effort, she swallowed it back,
shoving the
memories away from her. There was a lot of emotional damage left
over
from the prison, and both women
would eventually need to address it,
but now was not the time. It was still too immediate, too raw,
and in any
event, Nikki’s adjustment to being outside was the more pressing issue.
Helen
would deal with her own baggage in her own time.
Trisha
went behind the desk, and from
some obscure corner by a filing cabinet,
managed to find a small
sports
equipment bag.
“Here,
‘Nik, put your stuff in this.”
Gratefully,
Nikki transferred her belongings from the plastic bag into the satchel
as
Trisha opened the top drawer of her desk and pulled out her
purse. From
that, she drew out a wallet and handed it over to Nikki who glanced at
it with
surprise.
“It’s
yours,” Trisha explained evenly. “You asked me to bring it to
court and I
forgot to give it to you until now. There’s a grand
in cash
to get you started. I made sure all your cards are all up to
date. There’s a ten thousand pound limit on the small ones, a fifty
thou
on the
three main ones.”
Helen
blinked at the amount but didn’t say anything. Besides, it was clear
that both
Trisha and Nikki seemed to think that was business as usual.
“I can’t tell you how
much I
appreciate this, Trish.” Nikki's voice was thick with
emotion.
“It
meant so much to me to see you in court, not to mention everything else
you’ve
done for me. Thank you so much.” She reached out and
wrapped her
arms around her.
Trisha
returned the embrace, hugging her back tightly as she rested her chin
on
Nikki’s shoulder. For an instant, Helen saw the impassive mask break and the conflicting joy and pain
that lay beneath. Then Trisha was composed once more, offering
Nikki another smile that never quite reached her eyes as
they
separated.
“You’re
welcome, ‘Nik. Take care. We’ll get together next week and
go over
some club business, but in the
meantime, you have a good time.”
Nikki
kissed her lightly on the mouth. “I will. Give my regrets
to
everyone.”
“Oh, the party will go on quite well without
you.”
Nikki
smiled and picked up her bag. “See ya, babes.”
Trisha
stayed behind in the office as the two women left, and
Helen found herself wondering about the expression she had seen
on her face. There was no question Trisha was hurting, and
Helen
wasn’t sure what she would do next. In fact, she felt
concerned enough
to say something to Nikki, but she had stopped to talk to two of her
supporter
and Helen had to wait.
“Nikki, you can’t be leaving already?”
“Hey, places to go and
things to
do.” Nikki lifted her brows airily.
The heavyset woman with graying hair glanced at
Helen and smirked a little.
“I’ll bet you have things to do.”
The other woman, also heavyset but taller and
clearly her partner, nudged her warningly and she subsided.
“It’s so great…everything that’s happened.”
“It is.” Nikki glanced back at the office.
“Listen, Ginny, Lydia … would
you mind
keeping an eye on Trish tonight? I don’t think she should be on
her own.”
Lydia
frowned slightly, glanced at Helen again, and an enlightened
expression
crossed her dark eyes. “Of course, Nik. Ginny and I will
take good
care of her.”
“Thanks.
I owe you.” Nikki hugged the heavyset woman, and did the same to
the
other. Then she looked back at Helen. “Ready to go?”
Impressed that Nikki could still think of others
at a time like this,
Helen followed as she led her through the crowd and out
the
door. The air on the street seemed crisp and refreshing after
the
smoky atmosphere in the bar, and
she inhaled deeply as Nikki glanced at her expectantly.
“My car’s parked around the corner.”
She kept half an eye on Nikki as they walked
around the
block and found the red Peugeot 306. Nikki continued to be silent
as she
slipped into the passenger side after tossing her bag into the back
seat.
Helen didn’t try to fill the void with useless conversation. Instead,
she
simply started the car and pulled away from the curb, merging into
traffic.
The drive
to Helen’s flat took almost forty-five minutes. Nikki spent most
of it
staring out the passenger window, watching it all as if she had never
seen it
before. In truth, she hadn’t seen it for five years, other than
one
desperate night when she escaped from Larkhall
and took a bus to Helen’s flat where they made frantic love
before she
had to return to the prison. There wasn’t really the opportunity
to do
much sightseeing during that little excursion.
Helen let
her be; content to glance over now and again to make sure she was all
right. She couldn’t get over how chic Nikki looked in her black
Armani suit
and silk shirt, a completely different image from the one projected by
the
shapeless clothes that she’d worn as an inmate.
Parked
outside the South London flat, Nikki apparently became aware of Helen’s
subtle
scrutiny because she offered a wan smile as they got out of the
car.
“Coming
here certainly brings back some memories,” she said as she
retrieved her
bag from the back.
Helen
returned the smile. “Hopefully, you’ll be able to stay a bit
longer this
time.”
“That
would be a change.”
The words
were light between them, even a bit flirtatious, but there were shadows
in
those brown eyes and Helen suspected they’d be there for quite some
time.
God knew, she still saw them in her own eyes every morning when she
looked at
her reflection in the bathroom mirror.
Nikki
looked troubled. “I’m not sure.”
“Okay,”
Helen responded easily. “Can I get you something to eat?
You must
be hungry by now.”
“Yeah, that would be great.” Nikki
hesitated, a furrow
marring
the smoothness of her forehead. “Do you mind if I take a
shower? I
want to get out of these clothes. They smell of smoke.”
“Of
course. You know where it is. I’ll get you some towels.”
While
Nikki carried her bag into the small bathroom at the end of the hall,
Helen
went to the linen closet and gathered the fluffiest, softest towels she
owned. The bathroom door was still open as Nikki stood by the
tub,
removing her watch and rings. Her jacket was draped over the
sink.
Helen put the towels on the shelf over the toilet.
“Enjoy
it,” she suggested gently. “There’s no time limit here, and I
have plenty
of hot water.”
Nikki
lifted her head and blinked, as if the thought had not occurred to
her.
She smiled slowly. At Larkhall, an inmate had only so much time
to soap
up and rinse off before the hot water shut off, and even then, the
water wasn’t
always particularly hot to begin with. Helen realized it was the
first
genuine and uninhibited expression that she had seen from Nikki in
a while.
“I’ll
just hang this up in my closet,” she added, taking Nikki’s jacket
before closing the bathroom door.
Out in
the kitchen, she looked over her larder, trying to figure out what to
feed
someone who had been subsisting on prison food for the past five
years.
She wanted to whip up a gourmet feast, something special and worthy of
being
Nikki’s first meal of freedom, but both lack of ingredients and common
sense prevented it. It was unlikely Nikki’s
digestive system would be up for anything so extravagant.
From down
the hall, Helen heard the first rush of water in the shower, and she
had to
close her eyes, imagining the lanky form soaping up beneath the spray
of water,
the play of muscles and sinew beneath that smooth skin. Despite
her
intention not to rush anything, she felt her nipples harden against her
shirt
and a soft rush of moisture between her legs. Though the first to admit
that
she’d enjoyed sex with her share of men, she’d never truly made love
until the
night Nikki had escaped, never had anyone touch her so deeply in her
soul that
it made all other encounters pale in comparison. There had never
been
anyone in her life whom she
wanted the way she now wanted Nikki.
It was
ironic, because it was her time with Thomas that really showed her the
difference. He was a good man, handsome, considerate, kind, even
funny,
but one night in his bed had shown her just how bad it was going to be
with
anyone other than Nikki. Sex without love left
Helen
feeling empty and unfulfilled, and knowing that the one
person she did love was locked up behind bars only exacerbated
the desolation in her heart. She supposed she was fortunate that
she had
been able to spend so many late nights trying to track down
Fenner.
Spending long hours in her car, cold and uncomfortable as she kept a
variety of
brothels and strip clubs under surveillance,
prevented her from having to fake it too many times with
Thomas.
The realization made her flush with shame, not only at her own stubborn
denial
of her true self, but at how shabbily she had treated the doctor.
She
caught her breath as she realized what a truly precious gift she’d been
given
with this second chance. Nikki could have just as easily told her
to sod
off, could have returned the hurt Helen had caused so many times with a
final crushing rejection of her own.
Blinking
back tears at the thought, Helen began to pull out the fixings for
sandwiches,
hoping that Nikki liked tuna fish.
Despite
Nikki’s intention to luxuriate beneath the hot water after five years
of tepid
temperatures, old habits died hard. Part of it was due to her
carefully
not thinking beyond the moment. When she did, it all became a bit
much
and threatened to overwhelm her. As long as she kept her mind
ghosting
over inconsequential things, she didn’t feel any tightness in her
chest, or any
of the panic that rose like a choking cloud within her. Before
she quite
realized it, she had soaped up, rinsed off, shampooed her hair using
the bottle
already present in the shower, and washed it out. She did make a
brief
attempt to enjoy the water, but after a moment, she started to feel a
bit
ridiculous just standing there, so she
switched off the taps and climbed out of the tub.
The towels were certainly a big improvement,
though. She dried herself off slowly, enjoying the feel of soft
terrycloth on her skin and the way it smelled, a fragrant sort of
freshness
that no towel in Larkhall would ever have. From her satchel, she
drew out
some underwear, a pair of jeans and a black t-shirt. Dressing
quickly,
she felt more comfortable in the same clothes she had worn in prison
though she
wasn’t sure why. Perhaps it was because the Armani suit didn’t
quite fit
the same way anymore, hanging off her rather than draping
gracefully. She wondered if that was because she had lost weight
in prison,
or if five years had changed her body language so much that she was no
longer
able to wear nice clothes the way the designer intended them to be worn.
After
glancing around to make sure the two damp towels she’d used were spread
out
neatly over the shower rod to dry, she left the bathroom. She
wasn’t
quite sure where she should put her bag. Putting it in the
bedroom seemed
a bit presumptuous in a way, so she placed it next to the sofa out in
the
living room. She stood there a moment more before she realized
that she
was waiting for someone to tell her what to do next. Flushing,
she shook herself and went looking for Helen.
Helen was
in the small kitchen, placing utensils, glasses and small plates on the
table. There was a tin of chicken soup heating on the stove, and
several
sandwiches stacked up on a larger plate on the sideboard. Not a
particularly inspired meal, but then Nikki allowed that perhaps her
stomach
couldn’t handle anything more complex. It smelled good, at least.
Helen
glanced over at her. “I hope you like tuna.”
Nikki
stirred her soup idly with her spoon. “Thank you for this."
“Just opened a few tins. It didn’t require
a lot
of
effort.”
“No, I mean…giving me a place to stay.”
Nikki struggled to find the words. “And letting me be.” She
lifted her
eyes to meet Helen’s, seeing only compassion and understanding in their
greenish depths.
“You’ve
had an extremely busy day, Nikki. Don’t
forget,
only this morning, you were in your cell, not knowing what was going to
happen
to you at the Appeals court. Now you’re free and it’s all
supposed
to be
over, but we both know it’s not easy to leave something like that in
the past.”
Nikki
absorbed the words, thinking about what they meant. Despite being
on the other side of the bars, Helen had a few bad
memories
of her own while in Larkhall, and she wondered how well she was
dealing with them. Undoubtedly better than Nikki was, but it gave
her the
sense that Helen truly did empathize
with what was happening to her, and it made it easier somehow.
“Even
now, it feels like a dream,” she admitted softly. “Like I’m going
to wake
up any minute and find myself back in my cell.” She had to stop,
her
chest seizing, and she deliberately took a spoonful of soup, refocusing
her
concentration on that uncomplicated act. She couldn’t get over
how good
the simple fare tasted, which only proved how truly awful the food had
been in
the prison.
“Nikki, right now you’re exhausted…physically,
mentally,
and emotionally. I just want you to know that whatever
is going
to happen between us will do so in its own time and place. I’m
not going
to try to speed up the process. Neither should you.”
“Meaning
we don’t get to shag like bunnies tonight?” Nikki asked,
though she
was a little surprised to discover how relieved she was. Not
because she
didn’t want Helen, because she most certainly did, but just the thought
of all
the energy required to be physical with the smaller woman left her
feeling
tired instead of turned on.
“Sounds good to me.” Actually, it sounded
fantastic
and Nikki had to blink back the tears that suddenly stung her
eyes. There
were no
reserves left, she discovered. Every emotion, every feeling was
so on
edge that it was a wonder she was still functioning.
After
they finished dinner, Helen made tea and they took their mugs out to
the back
garden where a white cast iron table and chair set was arranged by the
small potting
shed. The autumn sun was setting and Nikki looked around at the
garden
that was
showing more than a little neglect. The grass was cut, but the
bushes were
inexpertly trimmed, leaving them ragged, while the beds boasted more
weeds than flowers. Nikki itched to get her hands on them.
“Who does
your work?” she asked, indicating the nearest flowerbed.
Helen
offered a wintry smile as she sipped her tea. “I’m afraid I’ve
let it go
somewhat since Sean moved out. I had the
teenage boy next door cut the grass and keep things tidy over the
summer but not much beyond that.”
“Maybe I could give it a go. Work off my
bread
and board.”
Helen seemed
about ready to say something, paused, and then nodded. “Sure. It
could use the attention.”
Nikki
took a mouthful of tea and fought back a nicotine craving. She
wanted a
cigarette but everything smelled so good that she didn’t want to cover
it over
with smoke. Instead, she absorbed the scent of earth and the
faint trace of smoke from leaves burning somewhere in the neighborhood.
A small breeze stirred in the branches of nearby trees, rattling them
slightly in a lonely sound of approaching winter. Helen’s street was
quiet, with only the occasional
hum of a
passing car and the faint yells of kids playing not far off to break
the serenity. It was a far cry from the harsh clang of
metal
doors, and the strident voices of guards and inmates shouting at each
other. For the first time in years, Nikki felt a certain
semblance of
peace settle over her, and as it did,
the last of her fragile poise vanished.
Nikki
cried for a several moments, and then took a few shuddering breaths to
bring herself back under control. “I don’t know why I did that.”
“Because
you needed to,” Helen told her quietly as she gently rubbed the small
of
Nikki’s back under her coat and through her t-shirt.
“There’s no reference for
this,
Nikki. There’s no right or wrong way for how you’re supposed to
act and
feel after all you’ve been through.”
Finally
calm, Nikki straightened, wiping her eyes on a tissue. “This is
the wing governor I'm talking to, isn’t it?”
“Well, I’d hate to think that everything I’ve
learned
in my
courses in university and during my prison service was wasted.”
Helen touched Nikki’s cheek with her fingertips, stroking the skin
lightly. “Especially if I couldn’t use that knowledge to help the
woman I
love.”
“Who
helps you?” Nikki wasn’t sure where that came from, but it was
out of her mouth before she realized it.
Helen
froze, her eyes going dark, but after a few seconds, she swallowed and
nodded,
apparently allowing the point. “I suppose I work it out on my
own.”
“You
don’t have to,” Nikki said quickly. “Look, Helen I don’t have any
degrees, but I know what it was like in Larkhall. I’ll listen to
anything
you have to say, and I promise, I won’t go off no matter what.
I’ll just…I’ll be here, you know?”
“Okay, I reckon we’ll work it
all out
together then.” Helen smiled. It was small
but genuine. “You might regret the offer.”
“I’ll never regret
anything I do with you…except when I hurt you.”
“Ah, Nikki…” Helen lowered her eyes.
“I’m the one who hurt you…” She exhaled audibly. “I suppose
we’ll
have to work that out as well.”
“We don’t have to
do
it tonight.”
“No, not
tonight.”
Helen shivered suddenly. Now
that
the sun had gone down, the temperature had cooled as well. Winter
was approaching quickly, and although the day had been unusually fine,
the night boasted a frosty
nip.
Nikki
didn’t feel chilled, but then, she was used to more extreme ranges of
hot and
cold. Larkhall wasn’t exactly state of the art, constructed of
cement and
old stone that was decades old. Freezing in the winter and
stifling in
the summer, spring and fall were the only times it had been reasonably
pleasant
to exist inside its walls…at least, where temperature was concerned.
“We should go inside."
Helen nodded, crossing her arms and rubbing her biceps through the red
leather coat. “I reckon
I
should have brought out a heavier jacket. We don’t
have to go
in until you’re ready.”
Nikki shrugged. “I’ll have plenty of time to play around in the
great
outdoors.”
Helen rinsed the mugs in the sink and put
them with
the rest of the dishes from dinner that were already in the
dishwasher.
After turning on the appliance, she wiped her hands on a dishcloth
before going
into the living room where Nikki was sitting on the sofa. She
was leaning forward, forearms resting on her thighs, her gaze distant
and
thoughtful as she stared across the room.
Helen took a seat next to her and leaned back against the cushions,
suddenly
very aware of the anticipation and desire within her body, especially
with
Nikki being so close, but she ruthlessly forced it back to where it was
manageable. She was absolutely not going to rush this, nor was
she going
to do anything to put Nikki in an awkward position. For
once,
this was going to be all about what Nikki wanted and needed, not how
the
situation affected Helen or her position of authority.
“Fancy a
bit of telly?”
Nikki
glanced at her. “Sure. I have no clue what’s on after
eight.”
She
wouldn’t. Lockup forced all the inmates back into their cells in
the
evening and none of them were allowed a personal television, not even
those on
enhanced.
After
switching it on and finding a show she thought Nikki might enjoy, Helen
snuggled up against her side, pleased when Nikki slipped
an arm
around her shoulders and drew her close. She doubted
that
either of them was particularly involved in the program about two
policewomen
tracking down crime in suburbia, but it was nice to sit together, their
bodies
touching, basking in the other’s warmth and not having to think about
anything
in particular but the light entertainment in front of them.
Helen’s head
rested on Nikki’s shoulder, her hand lying lightly on her stomach with
Nikki’s,
their fingers entwined, while her other arm was snug between Nikki’s
lower
back and the sofa cushions. Turned slightly, she had her knees
drawn up
on the sofa, tucked beneath her, and occasionally, she felt the brush
of
Nikki’s lips over her forehead.
It felt
so incredibly wonderful that Helen thought she could stay like this
forever,
and it made her realize how long she had been existing in a state of
chaos,
living on the edge as she worked herself into a state of exhaustion, so
intent
on bringing down Jim Fenner that she’d neglected to eat properly and
get enough
sleep. This period of adjustment for Nikki was going to give her
a chance
to rest and heal from everything as well, and she was grateful for it.
“Those
two should just get it on with each other instead of worrying so much
about
finding a man,” Nikki said suddenly, surprising Helen. She didn’t think
she'd been watching that closely.
“I think
the brunette likes her boss.” The names of the characters
completely
escaped Helen at the moment.
“So does
the blonde, actually. If one of them
ends up
with him, then the other will hate her for it. Typical straight
girl
stuff.”
“Not
anything I relate to anymore."
Nikki
dipped her head to look at Helen. “You’re
sure about
that now, are you?”
Helen
hugged her. “Absolutely positive. No more backsliding,
Nikki, I
promise.”
“Good.”
There was
forcefulness to the word that indicated strong emotion still existed
where
Thomas was concerned, but Helen wasn’t going to try to draw it from her
tonight. There would be lots of time for that in the future.
Instead, she
settled down against her once more as the next program started.
“This is
more your type of show,” Nikki commented as she watched.
“Because
it takes place in Scotland? Not many lairds
around
where I grew up.”
“No?”
By the
end of it, both women were yawning, the soporific effect of the show
working
its magic, not to mention the shots of the spectacular Scottish
scenery.
Helen sat up, untangling gently from Nikki and lifting her arms over
her head
in a long, luxurious stretch.
“God,
it’s been a long day.”
Nikki
watched her curiously. “Where do you want me to sleep? On
the
sofa?”
“Don’t be
ridiculous. I want you with me,” Helen said immediately, and
smiled
at Nikki’s expression, part interest and part uncertainty.
“Honestly, Nikki, I’m so tired that sleep is
about
all I’m good for.”
“Pity.”
Helen
shot her an amused glance. “You don’t fool me. You’re
barely awake
now.”
Nikki
offered a bashful look that Helen thought was absolutely
adorable. “I
think I did doze off about midway through the show. Pathetic,
isn’t it?”
Helen
directed Nikki to use the bathroom first while she changed
the
sheets on the bed, putting on fresh linens. Then she traded
places with her, finishing up her ablutions before pulling on a gold
satin
robe. Back in the bedroom, Nikki was hovering uncertainly by the
bed, dressed
in a sleeveless shirt and sweatpants. The heaviness of the outfit
did not
surprise Helen. Inmates tended to sleep in garments that would
also work
as everyday clothing, in case they were unexpectedly and
unceremoniously
dragged from bed in the middle of the night…a far more common
occurrence
than Helen
liked to admit.
“What’re
you waiting for?” Helen lifted a brow at her as she drew back the
covers
of the bed.
“Just
wasn’t sure which side was yours,” Nikki told her evenly. “We
never did actually sleep together.”
“This is the side I prefer.” Helen took off the robe, tossed it on a nearby chair and slipped naked between the sheets on the side of the bed closest to her, glancing back at Nikki expectantly.
Nikki was
still standing there, her expression impossible to read as she regarded
Helen. Perhaps she was taken aback by the other woman’s unselfconscious
lack of
bedclothes, but she didn’t say anything. Instead, she carefully
removed her own garments, laying them neatly over Helen’s
robe. Walking around the foot of the bed, graceful in her nakedness,
she
climbed into
the side nearest the wall, the mattress dipping as her slight weight
was added
to it.
Helen let
out the breath she’d been holding, pleased that Nikki had followed her
lead. She swore she wasn’t going to push, but she still wanted to
feel
Nikki’s skin against her own, even if nothing came of it. “All
set?”
“Yeah,” Nikki said quietly. She was lying
on her back, covers
drawn up to
her neck.
Helen
reached over to the bedside table and turned out the light.
Darkness
descended, alleviated only by the dim glow of the streetlight outside
that
filtered in through the blinds on the front window. They lay in
silence
for a while, listening to each other breathe.
“Are you
okay?” Helen asked very softly after a while, unsure if Nikki was
asleep or
not. She didn’t want to disturb her if that was the case.
The
answer came back immediately. “I’m fine.”
Helen
moistened her upper lip with her tongue. “Mind if I snuggle up a
bit?”
“I thought you’d never ask.” The tone was
very
laconic and Helen smiled.
They met
in the center of the bed, each rolling to face the other. Helen
almost
cried out from the sheer delight of having the warm length of Nikki
finally
pressed against her body, and managed to swallow it back. Nikki
wasn’t
quite so reticent. Her moan was soft in her ear, sending a
thrill
through Helen.
“You feel
bloody fantastic.”
Helen
wrapped her arms around Nikki, her hands smoothing over the silky skin
of her
back. “So do you,” she whispered back. “I think I’ll just
enjoy
this a little before I go to sleep.”
“Sounds like a good idea."
Helen
didn’t escalate anything. It was enough just to lie there and
feel Nikki
against her, lazily exploring the curves and planes of her body, not
necessarily in a sexual way, but just to familiarize herself with them
again. The inmate seemed to feel the same, her warm hands tracing
light
patterns of slow sensation over Helen’s torso. As attracted to
each other
as they’d always been, for now the fires were burning very low,
dampened by
exhaustion and all that had gone on between them in recent
months. After
several moments, when Nikki sought out her lips in a deep, languid
kiss, Helen
returned it with easy pleasure, content to keep it tender rather than
intensify
it at all. She did shift a bit, wrapping her fingers loosely
around
Nikki’s elbow, which not so coincidently placed her thumb
right
next to the nipple on Nikki's left breast. She only had
to move
it back and forth slightly, brushing her nail lightly against the
tender protrusion to
make it harden. Nikki exhaled audibly and pressed closer so that
more of it was in contact with the indolent caress.
As they
continued to kiss, the tip of Nikki’s tongue moved gently over Helen’s
lips,
tracing their outline, as she tasted her lightly. “I do believe
you’re
seducing me, Miss Stewart."
Helen
parted her lips for the next kiss, doing some tasting of her own as she
covered
Nikki’s breast with her hand, squeezing gently before teasing the
nipple with
her fingertips, circling the areole and feeling it pebble in
response.
“Do you want me to stop?”
Nikki
pressed into her. “Don’t you dare."
Helen
chuckled low in her throat and gently nudged her knee between Nikki’s,
parting
them. Sliding her hand down Nikki’s side, over her hip and down
her
stomach, she let it drop to the thatch of dark hair at the apex of
Nikki’s
thighs, raking through the curled strands with luxurious
pleasure. Nikki
responded by sliding her thigh up Helen’s outer leg until it was
resting on her hip, opening herself up to the lazy explorations.
Helen
cupped her hand over the warm mound, simply letting
it rest
there as moisture seeped between the lips onto her palm. Nikki
groaned
softly, moving her hips to press her wetness against her hand.
Encouraged,
Helen drew her fingertips along the slit, dipping into the moist heat
and
rubbing tenderly over Nikki's clit. It was already firm from her
arousal.
“Oh, God,
Helen,” Nikki breathed in her ear. “That feels so good.”
“I want
you to feel good, sweetheart,” Helen whispered. “Will you touch
me?”
Nikki
made a small sound of pleased assent and pulled her closer as she
reached down
to fondle Helen with gentle fingers. Helen quivered at
the
unexpectedly sensual caress, her hips rolling slowly against the
skillful hand.
None of
it was wildly passionate or exciting, but it was warm and loving and
everything
either of them could have wanted or needed at the moment.
Pleasure built
with a slow flame, fueled by the languid caresses and kisses that moved
over
each other’s face and neck and shoulders.
Finally,
Helen sought out Nikki’s ear. “Sweetheart, I need you
inside. Please.”
She
shuddered as the long, lovely fingers immediately entered her, pushing
deep
into her depths. Nikki flexed them unhurriedly, not thrusting but
rather
letting Helen clench around them as she undulated her hips,
pressing
her nodule rhythmically against the fleshy part at the base of Nikki’s
thumb. A few moments of this was all Helen required, her climax
washing
over her like the warm wave of a tropical ocean, a rush of pleasure
that left
her weak and trembling. At the same time, Nikki quivered and
cried out,
pulling Helen to her in a crushing embrace as she surged against her.
For long
moments, they lay there, catching their respective breaths. Helen
kissed
Nikki’s ear sweetly, then her cheek and finally her mouth; an extended,
thoroughly devoted kiss that she hoped conveyed all her adoration and
gratitude
to be sharing this moment with her.
“I love
you, Nikki,” she said intently.
“I love
you, too. Forever.”
Carefully,
Nikki withdrew and after a few moments of
kissing
and murmuring endearments, drowsiness finally dragged them down with an
insistence that could no longer be denied. Helen rolled
over,
tucking her buttocks into the warm hollow of Nikki’s groin,
pressing
back into the warm bliss of her body as they spooned together.
She
wasn’t surprised when Nikki became completely limp against her back
after only
a few moments, her breathing smoothing over into the regular rhythm of
sleep. In fact, Helen was impressed that she had lasted as long
as she
had, and tremendously grateful for it because it had led to such
wonderful and
tender lovemaking.
Smiling
faintly, she
closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep, sheltered in the warm embrace.
Nikki
woke with a sharp intake of breath, unsure where she was or what was
happening. It was the silence that woke her. There should be the
slamming
of metal doors, the sharp jangle of keys, the rude noise of guards
urging the
inmates to get up and at it. Instead, there was only the sound of
breathing beside her. Disoriented,
Nikki dazedly wondered why Barb had climbed into the bunk with
her. It
actually took a moment to realize it wasn’t her old cellmate but the
woman she
loved, and that she was no longer in Larkhall, but instead, in Helen’s
bed in
her flat in South London.
Nikki pressed shaking fingers to her forehead
and
breathed deeply. A glance at the clock radio on the bedside table
revealed that it was almost seven, and the soft gray framing the
windows
heralded
dawn. She usually didn’t get to see that. G-wing had been
located
on the west side of the prison, and what little sun she had witnessed
through
her cell window over the past few years came from when the day was
dying.
Swallowing
hard, she glanced at Helen, whose face was smoothed out in the peaceful
relaxation
of sleep, a faint smile curving her lips as if all her dreams were
pleasant
ones. For a while, Nikki just watched her, finding it hard to
believe
that she was really there, and that they were finally together.
It was only last week that she’d been sitting in her cell and wishing
Helen
luck in
her relationship with Thomas. Nikki remembered the day vividly,
and how
she’d clung to her composure with everything she had, losing it only
after Helen
had left, crying bitter tears into her pillow so no one would hear.
And it
was only a few days ago that she had been a helpless witness to Helen
leaving the prison
after
resigning her position. She had told Nikki goodbye, urged her to
concentrate on her appeal and her new life, and at no time indicated
that she
wanted or needed to be a part of that life in any way. In fact,
she had
told her to forget about her. Through a haze of pain, Nikki
watched
Helen look back once at the gate, gazing up at the inmate’s cell
briefly with a
somber expression before turning away to join the man waiting for
her. Nikki didn’t think she could ever hurt more than in that moment of
belief that there was no hope for
her and Helen. That loving her would forever haunt her no matter if she
were free or not.
Even now,
the misery of the memory brought tears to the surface, and Helen’s
presence
right there in the bed with her still wasn’t enough to stem their
tide.
Slipping from between the sheets, Nikki stumbled to the bathroom and
shut the
door behind her before giving into the remembered pain. As she
sat on the
toilet, her cheeks wet, she wondered if staying with Helen was a
particularly
good idea. There was a part of her that was still deeply hurt by
all that
had occurred, and she worried about what would happen the next time
their
respective tempers triggered a fight. How soon would it be before
Helen
chucked her yet again? Nikki didn’t want to have these thoughts,
especially after the warmth of the previous night, but it was hard not
to in
the cold light of morning. After all, every good moment with
Helen over
the past three years had immediately been followed by something
bad. Why
should now be any different?
After a
while, Nikki dried her eyes and returned to the bedroom to retrieve her
bag. Back in the bathroom, she took a shower, managing to take a
little
more time to enjoy it. Dressed in jeans and a white, sleeveless
top, she
went down the hall and peeked into where Helen lay, still deeply
asleep. Nikki wondered if such heavy slumber was normal for her or if
Helen was
just catching up on some missing hours. She’d had the impression
that Helen had been working a lot of late nights in recent weeks while
trying to
bring down Fenner.
Nikki
shook her head and went out to the kitchen where she found enough food
to make
breakfast. She debated whether to make Helen some, but
since
she didn’t look as if she’d be up anytime soon, Nikki decided to
eat
alone. After cleaning up, she felt somewhat at loose ends, not
sure what
to do next. Every day in prison was strictly regulated,
and she always knew where she was supposed to be and
what she was supposed to be doing at any given time. Having to
work out
everything on her own again would take some getting used to.
Wandering
out to the living room, she looked over the shelves where Helen kept
her
extensive collection of books, finally picking one out at random and
curling up
on the settee to read it.
The sudden jangle of the phone made her start abruptly and she stared at it as it rang, wondering nervously if she should answer it. After only three rings, the machine picked up, taking the decision out of her hands, and with a slight sense of relief, she returned to her book. She looked up again when the caller identified himself.
“Helen,
are you there? It’s Thomas.”
He paused. “Okay, I guess you’re not. I know how you like to
sleep
late. That, or you’ve started a new job from one of those
interviews you
were telling me about. Anyway, I’m just calling to apologize
about our
fight in the restaurant Tuesday night. I probably shouldn’t be doing
this over
the phone but I’m scared you won’t want to see me because of the way I
acted.
I’m sorry, Helen. I was a complete arse. I suppose I
was
embarrassed that Jim Fenner had to tell me about you and Nikki Wade
when I
should have seen for myself that you had once cared deeply for
her. I
reckon my ego just wouldn’t let me hear it when you tried to explain
that you
and she are old news, but I should have accepted it when you told me
that it
was me you wanted to be with now, not her. Besides, you’re
right.
Prison does twist and distort things, just like you said, and feelings
that can
occur inside such a closed environment usually won’t last in the
outside world
once reality sets in. I’m sorry I walked out on you when you were
begging
me to stay. I love you, Helen, and what we have is worth fighting
for. Will you give me a second chance? You know my
number.
Please call.” There was a click, and the brief sound of a
dial tone
before the machine shut off.
Nikki
stared at the blinking light for several moments, not knowing that it
was
possible to hurt this much. Helen hadn’t split up with Thomas
because
she’d come to realize her true feelings for a woman. Instead, he
had
actually broken it off with her, and
now being with Nikki was simply something Helen would settle for in the
aftermath, a quick fix to mend her broken heart. But now that he
was back
and obviously interested in making up, it would only be a matter of
time before Helen would look at her with those expressive eyes and tell
her, as
she had so many times before, that it was over. After all, he was
everything
she wanted in a man, and without him, a pathetic ex-convict was just a
poor
second choice.
Taking
deep shuddering breaths, Nikki felt a sense of betrayal and rejection
she
hadn’t experienced since she was sixteen and her parents had banished
her from
their home and lives once and for all. Carefully she shut the
book and
placed it on the table beside the phone. Then she rose from the
settee
and slipped quietly into the bedroom where she gathered up her clothes
and
packed them into her small bag. She very deliberately did not
look at Helen sleeping in the bed, suspecting that the sight of her
would
destroy what
little control she had left.
Out in
the living room, she paused, knowing she couldn’t leave without any
explanation
at all. Finding a piece of paper, Nikki scribbled a quick note,
not
entirely sure what she wrote, only that she didn’t need Helen coming
after her
with trite words that tried to justify the fact that Nikki just wasn’t
what she
wanted or needed from life. Nikki had already heard it before,
more than
once from her. She didn’t need to hear it again.
She
called a cab after getting a number from Directory Inquiries, speaking
low into
the phone. Then she
took her
bag and went outside to wait, trying very hard not to look back.
But she
did, just once when the cab arrived; looking up at the window where she
knew
Helen was sleeping. In that moment, Nikki’s heart seemed to
shatter into
a million pieces of keen edged shards, each one a sharp reminder never
to
believe in such things as soul mates or true love ever again. She
couldn’t
figure out why she had believed Barb’s
fantastical words in the first place.
“Where
to?” The grizzled face of the cabbie looked back at her as she
settled in
the back seat.
Nikki
didn’t know, only that it had to be somewhere where she could
regroup.
She glanced at her watch. It was going on half eight.
Things would
be opening in an hour or so.
“Oxford
Street.”
There, in
one of the department stores, she’d be able to buy some things
and figure out what she was supposed to do next.
Staring blankly out at the passing streets as the cab made its way to
west
London, she tried very hard not to think about anything at all.
When she
was dropped off in front of Marks & Spencer, she was pleased to
discover
they were already open, the earliest of any of the stores on the block.
She went inside, heading for the nearest food hall not because
she was
particularly hungry, but because there she could get a cup of coffee
and sit
down at a table while she worked things out without being bothered by
anyone.
She
wondered what she looked like. Shell shocked probably.
Yesterday
morning, she’d been eating breakfast at Larkhall, not knowing what her
future
held. Last night, all her dreams came true and her future seemed
filled
with endless promise. Now, she knew exactly what her future held,
or
rather, wouldn’t hold for her, and the bleakness of it stretched before
her
like a dank pit, waiting to swallow her up.
There was
really only one place she could go, she decided finally, after an hour
of
sitting by herself in the café, her hands wrapped around a mug of
coffee,
trying to feel a heat that was incapable of reaching her heart.
Picking
up her bag, she left the food hall and went into the nearest store to
pick up
the few necessities she thought she’d need before finding the nearest
bank of
pay phones where she called a cab.
Twenty
minutes later, she was standing outside a door that was only too
familiar to
her. She rang the doorbell, and when that didn’t seem to get a
response,
rapped sharply on the painted steel. Moments passed and she
pounded on it
again. She was about to pound on it a third time when it suddenly
opened
to reveal a rumpled and disheveled Trisha who was obviously suffering
the
effects of a hangover. She was dressed in an old t-shirt
that had the name ‘Diva’ written
across it, and some
baggy boxer shorts with hearts on them.
She
peered uncertainly at the woman standing at her door. “Nik?
What
are you doing here?”
“I need a place to stay. Can I come in?” Nikki resisted the urge to burst into tears.
Trisha
stared at her another moment with bleary eyes, almost as if she didn’t
quite
comprehend the words, and then she blinked, stepping back out of the
entrance. “Of course.”
Nikki
walked into the foyer. “Thanks, Trish. It’s just until I
figure out
what to do.”
”Don’t be
stupid, Nikki, you own half the house, remember?” Trisha shuffled
off in
the general direction of the kitchen as Nikki followed. “You can
stay
here as long as you want. There’s plenty of room.”
Relieved,
Nikki put her bag down on the breakfast bar and perched on the stool as
she
watched Trisha dig around in the refrigerator for something to
eat.
“Aren’t you going to ask me what happened?”
“I reckon it can’t be good or you
wouldn’t be
here. It didn’t work out with Stewart?”
Nikki
felt her chest ache. “No."
Suddenly
Trisha appeared and sounded completely sober as she turned to face her,
a
pitcher
of fruit juice in her hands. “Are you all right?”
“Sure,
I’ll be fine.” Nikki was amazed at how casual her voice
sounded. She
supposed prison was good for something. It taught a person how to
present
a calm and collected front even while she was dying inside.
“These things
happen.”
“I shouldn’t have pushed you to go after her.”
“Not your
fault, Trisha, it’s mine. I keep reaching for things that just
aren’t
there. It’s a bad habit and one I plan to be rid of as soon
as
possible.”
“Do you
want to talk about it?”
Nikki
managed to conceal the wince. “Not right now. Maybe in a
few days.”
“Okay. Whatever you need, ‘Nik, you just
let
me know.”
Nikki
glanced around the kitchen as she searched for another topic of
conversation,
wanting to get off the subject of Helen as soon as possible. The
decor
hadn’t changed all that much. The wallpaper looked a little
different,
but the rest of it was relatively familiar, though it seemed larger
somehow,
and she didn’t remember the table and chair set being made of
wood. She
thought they’d had a chrome and glass set brought in from the old flat
over the
nightclub where they used to live.
“New
dinette set?”
Trisha followed her gaze and smiled. “The old one got smashed. I put a bag of groceries on it one day and the weight of the cans cracked it across the top. It didn’t last long after that.”
Nikki
lifted an incredulous brow. “You did the grocery shopping?”
That
was a chore left up to Nikki during their relationship.
Trisha
hated to plod through the grocer’s looking for items on a list and she
absolutely despised pushing a cart. She always seemed to get the
one with
a stuck wheel, and any line she
got in immediately slowed to a stop as price checks were suddenly
required and
receipt tapes ran out with astonishing regularity.
Trisha’s mouth twisted wryly. “It was that
or starve to
death. You
can only eat so much Chinese takeout.”
Despite
how she was feeling, Nikki smiled; surprised that she still knew
how.
Maybe she’d be able to survive this, after all.
Whether she
wanted to or
not.
“Nikki!”
Bewildered and growing more upset by the minute, Helen went through the entire flat again before she was finally convinced Nikki wasn’t there. And the absence of her bag or any of her clothes indicated that she hadn’t just stepped out for a moment, but that she had actually left, and Helen had no idea why.
Concerned,
she went to the phone,
not
sure who exactly she was planning to call but hoping inspiration would
come to
her once she picked it up. There, she finally noticed the note
sitting by the answering
machine.
For a moment, she stared blankly at her name scribbled across folded
page in
Nikki’s handwriting, and then, with trembling fingers, she picked it
up. Taking a deep breath, she unfolded it and read the words
twice before their meaning finally sunk in.
|
Dear Helen, By now you
know I’m gone. I think it’s better this way. Judging from
the message the doctor left, he’s willing to try again,
and rather than have to stand here and listen while you tell me
it’s over between us one more time, I reckon I’ll save us both the
trouble. It’s clear that if you two hadn’t fought in the
restaurant, you’d be with him right now anyway, so it’s best I just
accept how things are and let you get on with it. I know I
can’t give you anything that isn’t twisted and distorted by where I’ve
been and who I am. It’s hard enough being lesbian in this
society, and I’ll probably always be known as
the one who killed a cop. You shouldn’t have to deal with that,
especially when there’s something better waiting for you with Waugh. I really do
love you, Helen, and I owe you so much. I wish you all the
happiness in the world. Please, take
care of yourself, |
Horrified, Helen glanced down at the answering
machine and saw
the blinking light, indicating she had a message. Pressing the
button to
replay it, she wondered what Thomas could have possibly said that would
bring
her world crashing down around her ears so quickly.
“No, no, no,
no…”
She
wasn’t even aware that she was
moaning the denial softly to herself as she listened to Thomas’s
recounting of everything that had happened in the restaurant, including
all the
ridiculous and inane comments she’d made regarding Nikki.
The book lying on the table next to the machine made her realize that
Nikki
must have been out here reading when the message came in. If only
Helen
hadn’t slept in so long. She would have been out here to explain
things,
or better still, she and Nikki would have been somewhere else
and Nikki never would have heard the message in the first place.
Helen was absolutely furious at Thomas, but she
was even angrier with herself. It wasn’t his
fault, after all. The blame for this situation lay entirely at her
feet, and
what
concerned her most was that the message was damaging enough on its
own.
To Nikki, fresh out of prison and emotionally fragile, it must have
impacted
like a bomb. And even if Nikki had remained, how could Helen
possibly
explain that yes, she had said all those stupid things to Thomas while
in a fog of self-denial combined with the shock of loosing her job, but
they
weren’t what she really felt, then or now. Besides, why the hell
would
Nikki believe her, especially after all the pain Helen had caused her
in the
past? Christ, she hadn’t even had the presence of mind to tell
Nikki
about Thomas in the first place. Fenner had done it for her, just
as he
had told Thomas about her and Nikki.
Maybe if
she weren’t so miserably inept at being upfront and honest with the
people she
claimed to care about, she wouldn’t be in this mess right now.
Checking
the time, she wondered how early Chix opened. She’d start at the
nightclub, she decided and, if Nikki wasn’t
there, she
would probably be able to find out from Trisha where she’d gone,
assuming she'd been in contact with her. Firming
her jaw,
Helen
dropped the note on the table and headed for the bedroom, determined to
do
whatever it took to track Nikki down and make things right
between
them.
After
showering and dressing quickly, she found her keys and purse and
hurried down
the steps to her car. As she drove to the
nightclub, she went over in her mind what she wanted to say to Nikki,
trying desperately
to come up with some rationalization for behavior that had been so
hurtful, and
ultimately, so bloody unnecessary. Unfortunately, it was
difficult to
find such an explanation because she really didn’t know why she’d been
so
dishonest with herself to begin with. After all, she knew she
loved Nikki
the entire time she was with Thomas. She knew that she couldn’t
return
the feelings he made no secret of developing the longer they were
together. She knew that no matter how sensitive and caring a
lover he
was, he simply couldn’t reach that intimate part of her soul that Nikki
had
managed so easily in their one night together.
So why
had she pursued it for so long? Why had she refused to
acknowledge her
feelings, trying to cover them up with some façade of
heterosexuality? Why did it take Thomas confronting her directly before
she finally accepted that
she
wasn’t over Nikki, and wasn’t going to be over Nikki, no matter how
long they
were apart?
Until she
could figure any of that out, how would she ever be able to explain
anything to
the woman she loved?
She’d
just have to wing it, she decided grimly, like everything else she
seemed to do
when it
came to Nikki. Though she admitted to herself that perhaps that’s
why
things had gone wrong so many times.
Her minor
streak of good luck in finding a parking spot right across from the
nightclub didn’t last very
long. Chix was closed and the sign on the door indicated it
wouldn't be
open for another four hours. Dismayed, Helen walked away, trying
to
figure out what to do next. Then it occurred to her that while
the doors
didn’t open for another four hours, the staff would probably be in
earlier than
that to make preparations for opening, perhaps even as soon as a couple
hours
from now. She decided she would wait.
Wandering down the street, she found a small cafe where she ordered some lunch. She lingered over it for as long as she dared, though she was hardly able to taste anything, before finally returning to her car where she took up surveillance of the nightclub's front door. At least doing it in the daytime was an improvement over her previous experiences at playing the spy. All the times she’d tried to nail Jim Fenner with hard evidence of his illicit behavior, it had been cold and dark and damp. It was still cold, but at least the sun was shining. She just hoped there wasn't a rear service entrance to the nightclub, but there wasn't much she could do in that event, so she decided not to worry about it.
Around
half three, she noticed the solitary form of a female strolling
casually
down the
street in the direction of the nightclub and recognized Trisha’s blonde
hair immediately.
Taking a deep breath, Helen quickly got out of her car and walked
toward where Trisha was pulling out keys to unlock the door.
Trisha looked
up as
she sensed the presence of another, her face suddenly becoming
impassive as she
realized who it was.
"What
do you want?" The tone wasn't exactly unfriendly, but it wasn't
necessarily welcoming either.
Helen
didn't waste time on preliminaries. "I need to know where Nikki is."
Trisha
stared at her, and then with a short jerk of her head, indicated Helen
should accompany her inside. Helen followed her silently,
not
liking how this was going, but not sure what else to do.
"What
makes you think I'd know?" Trisha asked finally as she went around the
bar
and began to prepare the till.
"The
fact that you didn't tell me to sod off immediately," Helen told her in
a
reasonable tone as she perched on a barstool. "Look, Trisha, I
really need to talk to her."
"I'm sure you do, but even if I wanted to
tell
you where she is...which, frankly, I don't...I wouldn't betray her
confidence. If Nikki wants you to know where she’s gone, then
she’ll be
the first to get in contact with you about it."
Helen
felt a spurt of rage at being stonewalled. "Nikki and I had a
misunderstanding," she began heatedly,
“and maybe you think that means that you and she will somehow get back
together..."
Trisha
held up a hand, stopping Helen in mid-rant. "Spare me, Stewart,"
she interrupted coolly, obviously not impressed by the display of
temper. "I freely admit that I’d love to have Nikki back in my
life,
but the quickest way to accomplish that would be to tell you
where she
is right now. It’s obvious you haven't a clue how to treat her right, and sooner or later, she'll
figure that out and be able to move on to someone who really does love
her. But in the meantime, she's totally besotted with you.
I wish
she wasn't, but she is. That's why it's so amazing to me that you
managed
to screw it up so quickly. God, don’t you know what you have with
her?"
Taken
aback by the woman's bluntness, Helen felt her anger drain away.
"I
do know what I have with her,” she muttered with a touch of
humility.
“This is just a terrible mix-up. That's why I have to talk with her and find a way to make this
right."
Trisha shook her head stubbornly. "Look, the best I can do is let her know you were asking about her and that you want to see her, but I'm not going to betray her confidence. She came to me because she needed a friend, and no matter what else, that’s what I am and what I’ll always be to her. I don’t owe you a bloody thing."
"Fine." Helen paused, realizing that she
needed to look
beyond herself at the moment. "Listen, Trisha, when people get
out
of prison, that lingers with them a while."
"Meaning?"
"Meaning that if you really want to be there for her, you're going to have to understand what she's going through. Her emotions are really extreme at the moment. Something good will trigger great joy, something bad will plunge her into the depths of despair. She doesn't have any balance right now, and it’s possible that she won't recognize that or understand why. We both know that at the best of times, Nikki reacts strongly to things, but now, she'll over-react to whatever happens. You'll need to be very patient with her."
Trisha
stared at her for a long moment. "Okay.
Thanks, Stewart. I’ll keep that in mind when I’m dealing with
her."
Helen
suddenly felt tears sting the back of her eyes, and
furiously, she blinked them back, not wanting Trisha to see how
vulnerable she was. "Tell her that
I'm not giving up on her."
"I'll
do that. I promise, Helen."
Helen
nodded and realized there wasn't anything else she could do. The
next
move would be up to Nikki. Turning around abruptly, she left the
nightclub before she started crying and finished the job of making a
complete
fool of herself.
Out in
the Peugeot, she took several, shuddering breaths, trying to get her
emotions
under control. Finally, she started the car, and with a final, dismayed
look at
the entrance of the building where only the day before she had been in
Nikki’s
arms, kissing her passionately, she pulled away, not knowing what the
future
would hold.
And terrified
that
she’d find out only too soon.
After
Trisha left for the club, Nikki found herself roaming around their big
house,
getting used to all the space, and better yet, the solitude.
There
weren’t a whole lot of memories for her here. She and Trisha had
only
lived in the place six months before
the incident with Gossard at the club and Nikki’s subsequent arrest the
same
night.
After
checking out all the changes Trisha had made over the past five years,
though
some of them might have been due to Nikki’s faulty memory, she
finally found herself in the living room. To her astonishment,
she
discovered her favorite chair was still located next to the big stone
fireplace. Trisha hadn’t wanted to bring the oversized piece of
furniture
along when they first moved in, and the couple had engaged in a rather
heated
and lengthy discussion about it. Looking at it now, Nikki had to
admit
that the battered blue cushions definitely did not go with the rest of
the
décor, but here it was, in the same place she’d left it all those years
ago. Nikki wondered why Trisha hadn’t thrown it out, especially
after
they’d ended their romance.
She curled up in it with a
favorite
book and tried to lose herself in the story, wanting to forget
about
everything that was going on. It wasn’t the first time she had
used books
to escape. The familiar passages let her mind relax for a little while before
the rumbling
in her stomach drew her back to the here and now.
It didn’t
matter that her heart was broken, she thought grimly. The rest of
her
body kept on with its demands, and with a resigned sigh, she put the
book down
and headed for the kitchen. Dinner consisted of leftover
pepperoni pizza
along with some custard for dessert. Despite her sorrow, she was
still
able to appreciate the flavor of fare that she would have disdained as
common
and unappetizing before Larkhall.
After
cleaning up, she went back to her book and forced herself to resume her
reading
until she simply couldn’t comprehend what the words meant
anymore. A
check of the clock revealed that Trisha wouldn’t be home for another
few hours,
so Nikki retrieved the sports bag from the breakfast bar and carried it
upstairs to the guest room.
She made
up the bed and unpacked her meager belongings, putting her clothes in
the small
dresser next to the bed. As she emptied out the small sports bag,
a
paperback book tumbled out onto the duvet. She stared at the
garish pink
cover of Sophie’s World, feeling the first cracks in the walls she had
so
carefully constructed around her heart. With trembling fingers,
she
picked it up and opened the cover to read the inscription inside,
written by
Helen all those months ago, back when there might still have been a
chance for
them.
Blinking
back the tears, Nikki closed the book and took it over to the small
bookcase
next to the door, tucking it into the corner of the bottom shelf where
she
wouldn’t be able to see it unless she was actively looking for
it. Maybe
someday she’d be able to read it again, be able to pull it out after
time and
space had made everything associated with it nothing more than distant
memories.
It was even possible that she’d be better off in the long run just
tossing it
in the trash, but she couldn’t do that to any book, let alone one that
had
meant so much to her.
After
brushing her teeth with the new toothbrush she’d bought, she finished
her preparations
for the night by pulling on a pair of sweatpants and a sleeveless tank
top. Climbing into the cold and lonely double bed, she switched
off the
lamp sitting next to her on the bedside table and pulled the covers up
to her
chest. Staring up at the ceiling
patterned by the shadow of the tree backlit by the streetlight, she was
no
longer able to block out the aches in her heart and soul that
the day
had wrought.
She couldn’t help but wonder if Helen had
been relieved
when she found her note. Now she'd be able to call
Thomas
back without any messy complications, ask to meet him somewhere, maybe
in a
posh restaurant or a club. Perhaps they were together right this
very
moment, their differences resolved, happy to have made up before it was
too
late. Would the doctor feel the same sense of joy and elation
Nikki had
felt last night? Would he know just what a precious thing it was
to hold
Helen in his arms, listen to her breathe and feel the blessed warmth of
her
body against his?
Nikki
closed her eyes, feeling the tears slip from beneath the lids to
trickle down
her cheeks. Were they making love that very second? Was Helen
able to
give herself freely, instead of dealing with an emotionally wounded
ex-con who
could barely generate the energy to touch her in the way she deserved
to be
touched?
Rolling
over, Nikki curled up in a ball, trying to surround the ache in her
midsection
in a futile effort to stave it off. It was weak consolation
that it could be worse. She could still be in Larkhall, lying on
her hard
bunk in the cold cell, but then again, maybe that would have been
easier.
In Larkhall, Helen wouldn’t have come to see her in the first place,
offering
false hope of a second chance.
Except…Nikki wouldn't have had the chance to touch her again, wouldn't have been able to taste her lips and hold her tight one last time. Perhaps all this pain was worth those precious few moments in her arms, and one day, Nikki would be able to appreciate it in that fashion. For now, all she wanted was to feel anything other than this overwhelming sense of anguish and hopelessness. Burying her face in the pillow, she wept, searching for the release and solace of tears but only finding more misery until she just couldn't cry any more.
And
finally, some act of grace granted her mercy and sleep came, bearing
her off to
a place and time where the heartache could no longer reach her.
But all too soon iit
ended and
consciousness returned with a vengeance, leaving her
confused and
disoriented for the second morning in a row, unsure of where she was
and how
she had come to be there. A
glance outside revealed that it was still dark, and a check of her
watch on the
bedside table revealed that it was just shy of five in the morning.
Gradually it all came back to her and for long
moments she wondered if she should bother getting
out of
bed ever again. The sound of someone below, undoubtedly Trisha
home after
her night at the club, finally drew Nikki
from her cocoon of blankets and sheets. Barefoot, hair still
standing on
end, Nikki went down the stairs and found Trisha in the kitchen,
putting
together some breakfast for herself. The smell of smoke and
alcohol was
strong on her, not because she had been indulging, but simply because
it was a
side effect of her job. Trisha had actually given up smoking
while Nikki
was in prison.
“Hiya,
Babes.”
Trisha
glanced up and offered her a smile. “Hi, ‘Nik. Did you
sleep well?”
Nikki
exhaled and took a seat on the stool by the breakfast bar. “I
slept.”
Trisha
shot her a look and resumed her preparation of scrambled eggs,
adding a
couple to the bowl without asking if Nikki wanted any, simply assuming
it and
being right in that assumption. “Guess who was waiting
outside the
nightclub when I showed up to open yesterday afternoon?”