“So, how do we destroy it?” Captain Janeway challenged to her senior staff earnestly.

Admiral Janeway just shook her head. She knew how arrogant she had been in her younger years, but was surprised and chagrined nevertheless.

Seven continued her report. “Theoretically, if we destroy enough of the structural manifolds, the entire hub will collapse.

“This is useless,” the Admiral said wearily,  “there is no way to destroy the hub. You may be able to destroy one conduit, maybe even two, but you would be destroyed yourselves before you could destroy a third.”

“There may be a way to bring them all down simultaneously,” the Captain countered.

The Admiral was losing patience. “While you are all standing around dreaming up fantasy tactical scenarios, the Borg Queen is studying our shields and weapon systems. She probably has the entire collective working on a way to counter them.... so take the ship back to the nebula now... and go home before it’s too late.”

“Find a way to destroy the hub,” Janeway informed her senior staff.  The Captain glared at her older self. “Let’s take a walk.”

Janeway walked crisply out of the lab, followed by her older, wiser self.

“Why didn’t you tell me about the Borg Hub?” she growled.

“Because I remember how stubborn and self-righteous I used to be,” the Admiral sneered. “I thought you might decide to do something stupid.”

“We have the opportunity to strike a crippling blow to the Borg. We could save millions of lives.”

“Am I the only one experiencing ‘deja vieu” here?” the Admiral asked incredulously.

“What does that mean?” the captain asked, confused.

“You stranded this crew once before, putting strangers before the well being of the ship. I didn’t spend ten years planning this operation just so you could launch some kind of intergalactic goodwill mission. You can’t make the same mistake again!”

Janeway looked at her older self, not believing that she could have become so cynical.

Admiral Janeway recognized that look. The captain was about to dig in her heals. The Admiral held the trump card and she knew it. She had hoped she would not have to play it, but she was losing this argument...which she could not allow. She delivered the next sentence in a low, flat voice. “Chakotay is going to die.”

“What!”

“Chakotay is going to die.” she said slowly, enunciating each syllable.

Janeway could not believe her ears. She looked away, tears filling her eyes. She glared at the Admiral. “When? How?”

“What about the temporal prime directive?” The Admiral said contemptuously.

“Screw it.”

“Fine!” The Admiral had no problem disclosing the future, a future she hoped fervently to alter. “In about three years, you will send him on an away mission. He will live long enough to beam back to sickbay....long enough to rip out your heart as you watch his life force grow ever weaker...long enough for you to tell him you love him, have loved him from the moment you met him. But his injuries will be too severe.”

The captain could see the pain reborn in the Admiral’s face as she was forced to relive the horrible, painful experience.

“The crew will never be the same after his death... and neither will you!” The Admiral looked away.... anywhere but those pained, tearful eyes she saw reflected back at her. “You die inside the day Chakotay dies,” she said, suddenly looking at Captain Janeway. “Don’t let that happen to you. Don’t wait until he is dying to tell him how you feel. I could see the hopelessness, the pain in his eyes as he knew we would never be lovers. He was more hurt by my belated admission than he was from his injuries...at least the doctor could treat that pain... I had to dig the knife in deeper, twisting and turning, causing him unspeakable pain at the end of his life, when he should have been concentrating on making his peace with whatever gods he believed in.” The admiral had almost spit out the last sentence... her self loathing palpable... grotesque. She was desperate that this Janeway should not cause the torment she had cruelly and selfishly inflicted on the man she loved.

The captain shook herself. It hadn’t  happened yet. The future was not static. “But now that I know it’s going to happen, I can change it...prevent it.”

“Even if you spent the rest of the time in the Delta Quadrant avoiding alien species, you will lose more crew. I loss 22 members of my crew between the time I encountered the Borg Hub and the time we arrived in the Alpha Quadrant.” The Admiral paused, to let that sink in. “I’m offering you a way back to earth today, right now. Are you really going to walk away from that?” she continued.

The Captain had stopped to consider her words. At least she hadn’t shut her down... she was still listening.

“In five days, Chakotay will end his relationship with Seven.”

Janeway was obviously surprised. She didn’t know they were involved.

The Admiral continued in a low, strained voice. “in two weeks, Chakotay will come to you. He will lay it all out for you... his loneliness, his inner struggle to maintain a solely professional relationship... the fact that he is unable to move forward with his life, because he loves you so deeply.  I... you will reject him once again... sighting the old parameters and protocol excuses instead of the real reason.”

“Which is what, exactly?”

The Admiral smiled knowingly. “Fear,” she said, “deep rooted, panic driven fear... not the fear of losing Chakotay, which is gut wrenching enough. Your fear is losing control. You know that your feelings for him, once unleashed, will overwhelm you. You can’t allow that to happen. Not here! Not now! But when you return to earth, your concerns for the ship and the crew will be behind you. Chakotay is your future. The future you want, the future you deserve. Allow yourself this. Don’t grow old as I did, alone and bitter, hell bent on changing the past.”

Janeway walked to the nearest bulkhead, leaning on it for some much needed support. “Even if I did consider your plan, how would I ever be able to reconcile this action with my conscience. Every time Chakotay takes me in his arms, I will feel the guilt of following my heart instead of my Fleet training. Every fiber of my being tells me that my duty is to Starfleet, to Earth. If there is a way to thwart the Borg, I am honor bound to attempt to do just that.” She unexpectedly saw the problem from another perspective. “And how would Chakotay feel,” she continued, “if he were to find out my real reason for wanting to use the hub and not destroying it? He would not be able to bear it if he knew millions of lives were sacrificed for his happiness. So, you see, the choice is not as easy as you have posited.”

The admiral had to grudgingly agree...the young Captain saw the possible repercussions very clearly. Quite possibly neither Commander nor Captain could maintain a love for each other under those circumstances. Still she was not willing to admit defeat just yet. If she couldn’t convince her to do the right thing right now for herself, Chakotay and her crew...well, she had one more card to play. “Then, of course there is Tuvok!”  she said hesitantly.

“What about Tuvok?” The Captain asked suspiciously.

“Tuvok has a degenerative neurological disease that he has been keeping >from you. There is a cure in the Alpha Quadrant, but he needs to receive it within the next two years or it will be too late.”

Captain Janeway groaned. How could she deal with all this information. It was so much easier when one had no knowledge of the future. Her agony over the decision was now complete. How could she deny her friend the medical help he needed. There was no way to reconcile all these contradictory outcomes. Janeway looked to her older self, indecision and inner turmoil etched on the younger woman’s face, suddenly making her appear older than the Admiral.

“There is a way to do both,” the Admiral said softly, knowing the plan would call for the ultimate sacrifice. It was an elegant solution. She could not imagine why she had rejected it out of hand. Suddenly she felt light hearted. Seeing Chakotay alive, vital, and knowing she could bring him the happiness he so richly deserved made her decision seem effortless. She outlined the plan for the Captain.

At first Janeway was horrified that the Admiral intended to stay behind and infect the Borg with an antigen, but her arguments were sound. The Admiral could at last get her crew home without the rigors of the additional 16 years in space, she could eradicate the Borg and their technology in this region of space, which surprisingly, belatedly pleased the older woman very much, and she could fulfill her desire to allow Commander Chakotay the time to love her, make love to her and enjoy a long and happy life with the one person he assured her he could not live without.

The Captain had to admit, if she were the Janeway facing these same choices, she would not hesitate. She nodded her approval, not physically able to give it voice just yet.

Later, calling together the senior staff, she outlined the plan. It was bold, and not without risk. They could easily pass through the hub and get home with the upgrades they had made with the future technology. Janeway wanted to make certain that they understood the consequences of trying to take out the hub as well... informing her crew that it was an extremely dangerous undertaking. One wrong calculation, and Voyager would be star dust, crushed by the extreme forces created in the vortex of the imploding hub. Uncharacteristically, she wanted a consensus before she moved ahead.

The Admiral stood off to the side, witnessing this unprecedented move on the Captain’s part. She could not keep her eyes from straying back to the Commander. Even after all this time, she realized her feelings for him could still easily overwhelm her. It was prudent (gods, how she hated that word) that she had never acted on those feelings when they were still stranded in the Delta Quadrant. Even now, she acknowledged the danger inherent in that kind of  consuming relationship. It would have dulled her senses... would have assuaged her urgency to return to Earth, for her home would be here, with him.

She forced her attention back to the briefing. All were in agreement. The Borg hub had to be destroyed. The return to the Alpha Quadrant would be icing on the cake.

Captain Janeway entered the shuttle. The Admiral was going through her final checklist. She looked to the younger woman and said sardonically “It’s about time.... I’m not getting any younger, you know.”

“Are you certain you want to go through with this?”

“No,” the older woman admitted, “but Voyager isn’t big enough for the both of us!”

Aside from the fact that there were now two Kathryn Janeways, a situation that was problematic on Voyager and absolutely impossible back on earth, the Captain was still ready to pull the plug on this plan. Returning to earth with two Janeways was a red flag for Temporal Prime Directive violations. They would both be court marshaled or worse, but she was unsettled by the Admiral’s sacrifice.  The fact that the Admiral was hesitant did not alleviate her trepidation. Slowly she leaned forward and injected the Borg antigen into the Admiral’s neck.

“What are you going to do when Chakotay comes to you?” the Admiral asked, softly.

“If this plan is successful... and that is a big if... and if Chakotay breaks it off with Seven, I will consider what you said. I would like to be able to be debriefed at Fleet head quarters without dissembling when questioned about any relationship that might exist between Voyager’s command team. If we can get through the hoopla of coming home without scandal, I promise I will inform our  handsome first officer that I have loved him from the moment we met on my bridge seven long years ago! Does that satisfy you?”

The Admiral closed her eyes, sighing deeply. The haunted look the Admiral had worn since she had boarded Voyager faded. When she opened her eyes to look at Captain Janeway, she suddenly looked younger, hopeful. “Good luck, Captain.”

Janeway turned to go.

“Captain,” the Admiral said with the crooked smile they both shared, as Janeway was about to exit the shuttle,  “I’m glad I got to know you again.”

Janeway smiled....a wistful, knowing smile that encompassed the feelings of both gratitude and sadness she was experiencing.
 

******

Captain Janeway stared out the window. The sunlight from Sol on her face was wonderful, not to mention the steaming cup of hot java in her favorite mug. She could just make out Alcatraz Island. “Come in, Commander.” she said to the hail originating from outside the door of the ready room as she set down the coffee.

Chakotay entered. Janeway could see he was nervous, determined.

“Kathryn,” he started hesitantly. He had been at this juncture before, only to have his heart broken by the woman who stood before him. This would be the last time he would lay open his heart for her. He was determined to move forward with his life. He wanted that life to include Kathryn, but if that was not to be, he had to know, was desperate to know that... now!

Seeing his hesitation, his obvious fear that this encounter could well be the last between them, Janeway decided to speak first. A pre-emptive strike, she thought happily to herself.  “I made a promise to someone, Chakotay, someone who sacrificed everything for all of us.”

“The Admiral,” Chakotay said with sudden clarity. His Captain knew why he was here!

“Yes,” Janeway said. “I promised her that should we be successful and return home, I would tell you the truth. I can hardly go back on that promise now.”

“And what is the truth, Kathryn?” Chakotay asked, stepping forward, barely able to breath.

“It’s very simple, really,” she said with ease, her heart suddenly thumping in her chest. “I love you. I have loved you since the first moment I saw you... on screen on the bridge of Voyager seven long years ago. I couldn’t believe...didn’t want to believe that I could fall in love so hard, so fast... and with Starfleet’s most wanted criminal to boot.” She was smiling now. “I realized at that moment, I had never really been in love before. It was exciting, frightening. When you materialized on my bridge, I thought I would never be able to catch my breath. Luckily, I had a lot of things on my mind to distract me from the attraction I was trying to ignore! Then, things just got out of control and before I knew it, you were suddenly my first officer.. off limits. I died a little the day you accepted your field commission, but it was the only way to insure...”

Chakotay was suddenly kissing her, stopping her in mid-sentence. The kiss was long, languorous. Neither removing their lips from each other, breathing each other’s breath as if they needed it to survive.

“I love you, Kathryn,” Chakotay said against her lips, the soft air from his voice causing her to tremble. “I want you... and only you.” he said, suddenly realizing that she probably knew about his affair with Seven as well.

He had terminated his relationship with Seven only days earlier, telling her he was being unfair... that he could not give his whole heart to her. She had known... just as all the others had known. He had been holding back. He needed to confront Janeway... he needed closure on that part of his life. Until he had reconciled his relationship with her, it was useless to try to move on. He was so desperately in love with Janeway... it had gotten in the way of every liaison he had attempted for the last seven years. How he must have hurt her with his various affairs, he now realized. “I’m sorry I didn’t...I couldn’t wait for you.” Chakotay groaned. “ I tried to move on. I was sure you didn’t want me. I’m afraid you are much stronger than I. I should have known...”

“Known what, my love?”

“I knew somewhere deep inside that you loved me. When you kept rejecting me, I became bitter. I’m sorry... I never meant to hurt you.”

“We hurt each other, Chakotay. It was unavoidable, given our natures and our circumstances.”

“Our circumstances have changed... but our natures remain the same. Be very sure about your feelings for me, Kathryn.  I will accept nothing less than forever.”

“Forever works for me, Commander.” Janeway said, “you know better than anyone what I am like once committed to a course of action.”

Chakotay just smiled and pulled her into a searing kiss. “Yes,” he said against her kiss swollen lips, “and I intend to know you even better.”