Disclaimer: Paramount's toys! The song is 'On the Outside' by Sheryl Crow.
Summary: A culmination of things finally makes Kathryn Janeway crumble.
Authors note: Finally I finished this story! I was going to end it after the scene in Sickbay at night with Janeway and the Doctor alone, but I thought I'd get shot for it so...

The Bridge of Voyager was unearthly silent. But the scuffing of the Captain's feet off the carpet was deafening and getting louder with each pace. Her breathing was ragged, her nerves frayed, her heart beating so fast and so loud it was all she was aware of. Ensign Kim disturbed the silence by clearing his throat to speak.

"Tom's hailing us from the surface Captain.” He stated and Janeway stopped and looked at him. She didn't have to tell him to open the channel. The desperation in her eyes left no room for debate.

"Tom?” She swallowed her fear. She could hear Tom's breathing, she could hear him hesitate.

"We... found the shuttle Captain.” He answered her. The echo of his words hung heavily in the air. He was waiting, they were all waiting for a question she didn't want nor know how to ask.

Kathryn Janeway stood perfectly still. She sucked in a slow breath, which relaxed her muscles, somewhat. Tom sighed and braced himself to speak.

"Captain...”

"I'll meet you in Sickbay Tom.” She cut him off abruptly and she could almost see him shaking his head at her. She had the link broke in accordance and she spun around on her heels taking in properly, for the first time in the last few hours, the sight of the officers around her.

Tuvok was standing as stoic as ever at Tactical. His attention not even wavered from his duties by the latest exchange between his Captain and the rescue team.

Sensing her stare Tuvok looked up to the tired eyes of his Captain. Kathryn thought for a brief moment that she saw pity in his eyes. He nodded to her and returned his attention to his work.

Her eyes drifted to her left and fell on her Chief Engineer, who was staring right back at her. She had been watching her Captain all along and it hadn't been lost on Kathryn either. B'Elanna blinked and as her eyes resurfaced, the glaze they bore mirrored pain, worry, anxiety... fear. Fear... her strong, bold Klingon warrior woman was... afraid.

She willed her legs to move, and just as they were making progress her eyes found Harry's staring at her. His expression almost made her buckle to her knees and cry. His young innocent eyes were pleading with her. They were searching hers, searching for the answer his mighty Captain always provided... that everything would be okay... that she would make everything all right again

She closed her eyes and bit her lip and forced her legs to move past him.

Her whole being shattered when she got to Sickbay. The Doctor was shouting, Tom was racing about and shouting himself, another assistant was scurrying around them. Everyone was shouting, the monitors were screaming, protesting. Kathryn Janeway was standing in the middle of it all, aware of none of it. The sight of the man on the biobed paralysed her. Her mind struggled to comprehend what was going on around her but she could focus on nothing but the person lying before her.

She fought to hear the words of those around her, they might be important she told herself, but her will to fight was all but gone and she only drifted into coherence.

"Now Mr. Paris!”

Her eyes drifted over his body. She frowned in distaste as his body shook.

"Again!”

She marvelled at how peaceful his face looked.

"Again!”

Her eyes examined his uniform. It was torn. It was seared, the brilliant red taken over with a sickening blackness.

"Doc ...”

His skin, it was all smoky. She grimaced as she noticed it had been singed. The smell of seared flesh invaded her senses.

"I said again!!”

Blood. She could see blood. Some was oozing out from the torn sections of his uniform, there was some glistening like a paste over the seared flesh on his face. A small rivulet had escaped from his mouth and was trickling down the side of his jaw, cleaning a path of crimson as it did.

She jumped as a clinking sound ended the noise that she hadn't even been aware of.

"Let the logs show that Ensign Rea died at 0755 hrs. Cause - Massive cardio - vascular failure.” The Doctor sighed heavily. Kathryn looked up panicking to find the grim look on the Doctor's face, she moved to seek refuge with Tom. He only bowed his head.

Her eyes fell helpless on the lifeless body of her crewmember. She glanced at Tom her eyes asking the question she didn't want to ask in the midst of all this. She tore her eyes away ashamed.

She felt Tom's eyes on her and she looked up to see him moving towards her. She saw his mouth move and she just managed to hear a few of his words.

She looked away again. She felt a constriction in her throat as the Doctor also recorded the instant death of her best friend due to incineration on impact with the Keriptenian energy matter on the planet's surface. She could bare it no more. Her legs moved automatically and she left Sickbay as quietly as she had entered it.

Kathryn reached her quarters and entered them. She couldn't find her voice to raise the lights so she wandered through the darkness. She walked slowly over to the viewport. The passing stars shone a silver shimmer over her features. She wrapped her arms tightly around herself and took a deep shuddering breath.

Her mind went blank again and she concentrated on her breathing, watching how her arms raised and fell over her chest in accordance.

She tightened her grip, digging her fingernails into herself.

Her body shuddered with an uncontrollable chill. She rubbed her left arm furiously with her right hand.

A sob involuntarily escaped her lips and she rebuked herself for it.

She closed her eyes firmly and listened intently to the silence around her.

Another sob escaped and her hand shot up to her mouth to stop it. She took a deep breath to control herself.

She clamped her lips together.

She felt tears sting.

The stinging was becoming painful, overwhelming. It was as if every cell in her body wanted to weep.

Tears began to well up in her eyes and she bit on her lip to suppress the sob that would follow.

B'Elanna rounded a corner on deck one and she spotted Ensign Anderson, who should've been in Jeffrey's tube 15 repairing a blown out circuit.

"Ensign?” She called to the young woman. Anderson turned to see the Chief Engineer and she stiffened a little.

"Yes Lieutenant?” She asked edgily.

"Didn't I assign you to Jeffrey's tube 15?” She asked catching up with the woman. She could've sworn she saw the Ensign smile a little at her question.

"Yes you did.” She stated and gave pause long enough for B'Elanna's mouth to hang open.

"But Tuvok contacted me and told me he had a more pressing matter for me to attend to.” B'Elanna's mouth tightened. She raised her eyebrows in question.

"He wants me to recover all of Commander Chakotay's personal belongings from his office and take them to his quarters to be sorted through later. We have no choice but to use his office and Tuvok thought it would be more appropriate to remove the Commanders things before others entered the office.” B'Elanna relaxed and nodded.

"Mind if I help?” The Ensign looked a little worried but she agreed and they both set off.

Entering Chakotay's office B'Elanna inhaled deeply at the doorway then moved in slowly.

"Come.” Kathryn answered the chime at the door. Her visitor entered.

"Captain.” Tom greeted her. He stood in her quarters, not knowing how to go on. The ambiance was haunting. The lighting was low... very low. The room was extremely tidy... no coffee cups not even a PADD in sight. It was deafeningly silent. And his Captain... his Captain looked a mere ghost of herself, a shell of who she used to be. She projected an eerie emptiness in the room, one which made Tom Paris shudder.

She hadn't even turned from the viewport to acknowledge his presence. He installed some courage and moved closer to her.

"I don't mean to bother you Captain but there are a few things that have to be taken care of before tomorrow.” He saw her twitch and her head moved slightly to the left over her shoulder.

"Tomorrow?” She asked and Tom was taken aback that she didn't know what he was referring to.

"Ah... am... " He stammered.

"Chakotay and Rea's memorial service.” He stated gently. Her head shot back to the viewport.

"I see.” Was all she said. Tom gulped and continued timidly.

"Neelix and I are organising it. We have all but done everything. We still have one thing to take care of though.” He paused but still got no response from her. He sighed mentally.

"Chakotay's eulogy.” He said as if he was answering the question that he expected her to ask. He saw her flinch again.

"I already discussed this with a few of his close friends. B'Elanna, Ayla... " He took a deep breath.

"Ayla feels that someone closer to Chakotay these last few years should be entitled to it over him. B'Elanna... well she refused blatantly. She's angry. She hasn't come to terms with... with his... with it yet. You know B'Elanna. Personally I don't think she'd be able to do it and I think she knows it too but doesn't want to admit it.” He saw her move slightly again and paused to see if she would say something... anything.

"She'd probably break down if she had to go up and read it...” He trailed off worrying about B'Elanna.

"She's taking this really bad, and I know she'd do it if she could but she's just not in the shape for it right now.” A silence fell again and he heard her breath in slowly and purposefully.

"I was wondering if you-”

"You want me to read the eulogy at the memorial service.” She cut in and Tom couldn't ignore her harsh tone. He swallowed nervously.

"Yes.” She spun around defiantly.

"Why?” She asked sharply, her eyes boring through him.

Tom froze.

"I... I... you...” He stuttered again. She stepped down and moved closer to him.

"You want me to do it because I won't break down? Like B'Elanna? Because I'm not taking his death as bad? Because I'm Captain and I can do anything and everything? Or is it because I don't feel as much as everyone else? Because I don't show emotion? Because I'd put Tuvok to shame? Because I could read a whole damn book on his life up there and stay as sharp and unaffected as ever?!” She accused through clenched teeth.

Tom felt like running. But he couldn't, he had provoked this and now he had to make it right... hopefully.

"I... Captain... I'm sorry. I didn't mean it to sound like that I just thought-” He apologised.

"Just go.” She interrupted him sadly, waving her hand at him.

"But Captain I-”

"Leave Tom... now!” He looked at her desperately.

"I'll read the damn eulogy Tom! Just get the hell out of here and leave me alone!” She shouted. Tom looked at her sadly. He looked away and turned to leave, shaking his head as her doors closed behind him.

B'Elanna lifted an embroidered cushion with some Native American pattern on it. She smiled at it. She lifted her head and scanned the room. It looked so... empty. She grimaced and caught Anderson staring at her. Anderson flinched when B'Elanna caught her staring and she dropped the items she had in her arms to the ground. She thanked God there had been nothing breakable. She muttered sorry and B'Elanna only sighed and rolled her eyes.

She put the cushion in the storage container and turned to the table beside her. As she did her eyes fell on an item she didn't recognise as Chakotay's. It was a picture frame. It was laying face up on the table. The artificial lights in the room were creating a sheen over the picture and she couldn't make it out. She leaned over the desk and picked it up. Instantly her head shot in the direction of the Ensign.

"Where did this come from?” She asked sharply. The Ensign swivelled around to her. She squinted to see what B'Elanna was holding from the other side of the room. Her face melted into recognition and she smiled.

"Oh the still of the Captain?” She asked still smiling. She got no answer except for a steel face. She whistled mentally and stopped smiling.

"I found it in his desk drawer. The one that Tuvok gave us the key command for.” She replied almost defensively. She watched B'Elanna closely as she scrutinized the picture. She wondered why B'Elanna was so snappy about it.

She thought the picture was lovely. It had been taken on a planet's surface, it must have been at least four years ago as the Captain's hair was long in it. She was dressed in a flattering pastel blue dress and she looked very content, as if she thought she was alone and didn't know of the person watching her... as if she had all the time in he universe. The picture was quite striking.

Giving in on the reason for the Lieutenant's angry expression she shrugged and bent to lift one of the containers. She looked to her right where B'Elanna was still holding the picture, but she wasn't just looking at it anymore... she was removing the picture.

Anderson's jaw fell open this time and as B'Elanna caught her stare again, her fierce eyes dared Anderson to protest. Anderson's attention was drawn away as she thought she heard the doors open, but from where she was standing inside she couldn't see the doors directly. She sighed thinking she was imagining things and she yanked the container into her arms and walked awkwardly out, grunting as she did.

As she stepped into the corridor outside she caught sight of her Captain stalking off ahead of her. She smiled remembering the picture and continued on.

Kathryn hurried around the corner and ducked into the turbolift. She had nearly been spotted. Instead of releasing a sigh of relief as her back made contact with the safety of the turbolift she felt tears sting.

She had been aimlessly walking around the corridors, going nowhere in particular, just to help clear her head. She reached Chakotay's office and without thinking she just walked in.

As soon as the doors opened she heard a small crash. Someone was inside. She jumped as the doors silently whisked shut behind her. She heard someone sigh and a woman mutter an apology. She peered inside and saw B'Elanna and an Ensign packing up Chakotay's belongings.

She swallowed as she saw B'Elanna holding her favourite one of Chakotay's cushions. She saw B'Elanna pick up a picture frame and she instantly recognised it. She felt a twinge of uneasiness in the pit of her stomach.

Chakotay had taken the picture while they were on New Earth, he had only shown it to her when she gave him his birthday present that year - the frame, one she had carved herself from the lessons he had given her. He told her he had just the right picture to put in it. When he showed it to her it nearly brought tears to her eyes. Not knowing what to say she just hugged him knowing he would understand. It was very dear to her and to him and she knew exactly where he kept it too. In the third drawer on the left side of his desk. The one he kept locked. For his eyes only.

She watched the exchange between B'Elanna and the Ensign. She noticed the goofy grin on the Ensign's face and the anger on B'Elanna's. She closed her eyes momentarily and when she opened them she saw B'Elanna removing the picture from the frame. She nearly cried out. She stopped herself in time and she knew she had to go before she made her presence know in totally the wrong way and the wrong time.

She noticed the Ensign was leaving too and she made a dash for the doors and was only a few yards away when the Ensign exited the office.

In the turbolift she tried to shake the incident out of her head to no avail. She wiped unshed tears in her eyes as the lift slowed. When it stopped she sped past Harry, nearly knocking him over, and continued to her quarters.

Commander Tuvok walked stiffly into Astrometrics to find Seven working over the controls.

"Commander.” She greeted him as she turned her head just slightly from her station to acknowledge him.

"Good evening Seven.” He greeted her also. He moved up beside her glancing at the changing information on the main screen as he did.

"You have not submitted the sensor report of the class 3 nebula we encountered this morning.” He stated and he noticed Seven flinch uneasily.

"No I did not.” She admitted. Tuvok raised an eyebrow at her.

"May I ask why?” He questioned shifting his weight onto his left leg. Seven stopped her work and turned to face him. She drew in a breath and released it slowly.

"I would normally submit my report to Commander Chakotay and in the event that he would be... was... unavailable I would forward the report directly to the Captain.” She paused and twitched her head to the side a little.

"And did you not do this?” He questioned. Seven raised an eyebrow at him now.

"Unfortunately I did.” There went Tuvok's eyebrow again.

"Unfortunately?” His voice raised a little in interest. Seven nodded.

"I found the Captain... less than responsive at first. She protested as to why I was bothering her with my report and so I told her as I told you. Suffice to say our rapport ended with the report airborne in my direction, while she yelled obscenities about myself and ... 'my damn report' as she put it.” She closed her explanation with a firm expression that dared Tuvok to argue. He didn't.

"I did not think before I spoke and I upset her... or as Mr. Paris informed me... " She frowned remembering what he had said.

"... I put my foot in my mouth.” She raised her eyebrow again, mirroring Tuvok's. He frowned back at her.

"I see. May *I* have the report?” He asked. Seven nodded and moved to retrieve the PADD. She handed it to him.

"Commander?” She called as he began to move out.

"Yes?”

"The Captain.” She said simply. Tuvok's eyes shifted at the concern in the Borg woman's voice.

"She is strong.” He answered her simply and moved on out and as the doors closed behind him he left Seven to ponder his statement.

"Harry! Hey Harry!” Tom shouted down the corridor as he hurried to catch up with Harry. Harry turned and stopped, waiting for him.

"Could you do me a favour...?” He trailed off noticing the stricken expression on Harry's face.

"You all right Harry?” He asked slowing his pace. Harry shook his head as if out of a daze and finally looked at Tom. He took a deep breath and sighed.

"Yeah... I'm fine... I just... never mind.” He shook his head again. Tom frowned at him.

"What'd you want?” Tom was still frowning at him.

"Okay what happened?” Tom asked pointedly and stopped walking. Harry continued for a bit then stopped and turned back. He shrugged.

"Nothing... I'm fine.” He assured. Tom gave him a look of disbelief.

"Spill it Ensign!” He said seriously. Harry sighed again and Tom walked up to him and they both resumed walking. Harry tugged at his ear and grimaced.

"It's the Captain...” He exhaled slowly. Tom's frown disappeared. Harry turned to face Tom.

"I'm worried Tom... real worried. I've never seen her this way before.” Tom looked to his feet and began nodding his head.

"I know Harry... me too.” Tom agreed, his face taking on the same pained expression Harry's had.

"So what was it you wanted me to do?” Harry asked, changing the subject. Tom brought his head up again.

"This.” He handed him a PADD. Harry scanned the information on it. He frowned at it and looked to Tom for an explanation. Tom shrugged.

"Captain's orders. Apparently Chakotay didn't want your a-typical Starfleet memorial service.” Harry raised his eyebrows.

"I suppose it's understandable, he wasn't exactly in love with Starfleet.” Harry turned his mouth downwards.

"No, not Starfleet itself...” Tom whispered under his breath.

"Tom?” Harry asked.

"Oh yeah... I suppose.” Tom added rather distantly. Harry watched him intently. He knew that look.

"But?” He questioned it.

"Nothing, it's just... never mind” Harry stared at him.

"She asked me.. or rather told me to go down and collect his ... rem-...er ashes.” Harry's eyebrows shot up.

"It was kinda creepy. It sorta unsettled me you know?” Harry nodded in sympathy.

"I'll inform Neelix of the changes.” Harry changed the uncomfortable subject.

"Thanks Harry. I know I volunteered to give Neelix a hand but I'm doing the best I can while trying to deal with B'Elanna too. Mind you she is back at work, but I think it's to take her mind off things more than actually being ready to be back.” Harry nodded in acknowledgment.

"I'll do what I can to help, just buzz me if you need a hand with anything else.” Harry offered a pat to Tom's shoulder.

"Thanks Harry.” Tom smiled at his friend and wondered how the next few days would unfold... especially tomorrow. He shook his head as he saw that expression gripping Harry's face again. He sighed and sought Harry's shoulder with his hand.

"She'll be okay Harry.” Harry nodded in agreement.

"But what do we do until she's okay?” His words stopped Tom moving off. He turned to look at Harry, who was waiting for his answer. Tom shrugged.

"Do whatever

"She's a tough woman Harry.” He added before he was out of sight.

" He was... " Kathryn drew in a sharp breath as she fought to control her voice. She had managed not to let the dam break yet and now wasn't the time to fail... not while everyone was here, not while all eyes were on her. She swallowed as her pause gave her time to fully observe the officers gathered before her attending Chakotay's memorial service. She frowned as tumbling tears around the room weakened her resolve.

She closed her eyes and opened them again realising they were waiting for her to finish the eulogy. She exhaled slowly.

"He was an exemplary First Officer, and a caring, remarkable man, but the most of us will remember him more for the loyalty, the respect, the love... he gave us as our friend.” She paused again and tried to stare beyond the falling tears, the heart wrenching sobs, to seek refuge in the grey, sombre wall behind them. The wall would not break her.

"Many of us who were close to Chakotay know, that because we had these few years with him, we are different people. I know he changed me. He showed me there's more to being a Captain than just being Captain. He held me up, gave me the strength, the courage to keep going, to not give up, to achieve what I want... to be a better person. And for that I am eternally grateful.” She sighed and shifted her weight a bit.

"I know this has been hard... on everyone. Losing Chakotay wasn't something we ever betted on... it never entertained our thoughts. We all have the 'what ifs' playing in our heads. We also have regrets.” She paused as the muscles in her throat decided to constrict. She damned them and sighed in exasperation.

”Regrets, that we never told him how much we appreciated him, how much he changed us, never thanked him for this or that, never told him what he meant to us... " Her voice began to choke up and she bit her lip wondering if she should say the sentence that was playing on her tongue.

She shook away the doubt and with a steadier yet melancholy voice she continued.

"... never told him how much we loved him...” Her eyes fell to her hands almost ashamed and not willing to confront the faces before her.

She knew she had to finish so she braced herself to speak again hoping she wouldn't sound as bad as she felt. She held the stare she had of her feet and spoke.

"But I'm sure he's somewhere... somewhere where he knows these things, knows we need not fear life without him... for he will... always be with us.” She finished as she lifted her head. She still saw many tears but she also saw a few scattered ghosts of smiles.

She stepped away from the centre of attention as Neelix announced that Chakotay's ashes would be taken to Sickbay where they would remain for anyone to have a few moments alone before they would be put in the prepared stasis chamber.

It was what he had asked of her, or the closest as the present situation allowed. He hadn't wanted your a-typical Starfleet burial, he requested that his remains be kept on board in the event they got home where he would be buried beside his father.

Neelix finished talking and offered a reassuring smile to Kathryn. She hadn't heard a word Neelix had said... she was still trying to convince herself.

She rubbed her forehead and groaned in pain at the throbbing that was there. She closed her eyes and opened them to see B'Elanna stalking towards her.

"B'Elanna... "

"You have some nerve!” B'Elanna yelled. Kathryn had just time to look surprised before B'Elanna's fist came crashing into her face.

She yelped in pain and her hands shot up to her face instantly. Her eyes searched frantically to see if another blow was coming. She saw no sign of B'Elanna's fist. What she saw was Tom restraining her and talking calmly into her ear as she struggled against his strength. She also saw that everyone in the room was watching.

"B'Elanna...” She began as she pulled her hands away, suppressing the urge to see if it was blood that felt wet and ticklish on her face and warm on her hands.

"Don't! Don't you dare!” She yelled harshly. She shrugged out of Tom's grasp and when he went to grab her again she held her arms out in submission of fighting.

Kathryn hadn't got a clue what was going on, yet she knew that there had to be a logical explanation... I mean this was B'Elanna... Sure she had a temper but she didn't do things like this... most of the time anyway. Kathryn spotted Tuvok and a few other officers homing in on B'Elanna, she waved them away.

Kathryn opened her mouth to speak and winced in pain. She tried to hide it but everyone noticed, not that they hadn't already assessed the damage done. B'Elanna closed even more space between them. Kathryn held her eyes and absently watched her fists too.

"How can you stand up there and talk about him like you gave a fuck?!” She hissed. Kathryn blanched.

"B'El-”

"You self-righteous, callous, cold hearted P'tah!” Her voice rose loudly and ripped right through Kathryn with fierce intensity of hatred.

Kathryn stared at her shocked. Her mind fought terribly to grasp at words to string into a sentence to no avail, so she remained unmoving and at B'Elanna's mercy.

"You used him, you strung him along... you didn't even care about him! You played your unyielding games with him... and what's worse you played with his heart.” She seethed and her face twisted into a growl.

Her words snapped Kathryn to react immediately.

"That's not true and you kn-”

"Ooooh yes it is! Look at you!” She gestured with exaggeration and in disgust at Kathryn.

"You haven't even flinched since the day he died. And do you know why? Because you're cold. Because you knew he loved you more than anything. Because you knew the power you had over him and boy did you relish in it. Because you never really gave a blind fuck about him, about any of us!!” Kathryn looked at her, anger betraying her hurt.

"How dare *you*!!” Kathryn spat.

"I cared more about Chakotay than I ever have anybody in my entire life!” She defended. B'Elanna snorted.

"I'd hate to see how you'd treat someone you couldn't care less about. You're a heartless, disgruntled old woman! You can't even bring yourself to cry can you? No. You don't like to pretend, do you? If someone seen you cry they might actually think something of you!” She finished in a scream and paused for breath long enough for Kathryn to jump in.

"Cry?!” She yelled, punching the air.

"Cry?! You know B'Elanna you're right... I haven't cried. And do you know why?” She asked vehemently and B'Elanna was slightly taken aback with her tone. She didn't answer.

"Because of you... because of all of you! Because I'm the one whose supposed to be strong! Because I'm the one who's supposed to support all of you. Because I'm the shoulder to cry on, the one to fix it all! I haven't let myself cry. You haven't let me cry. It's not expected of me!! ” She screamed insanely as her eyes teared up instantly and she stopped so she could feel oxygen reach her lungs. She sucked in a huge shuddering breath and continued.

"You all expect me to be strong. And I've tried... I've *tried* my bloody hardest to live up to all your expectations!” Heads bowed in silence in the room as tiny streams of salty, anguished tears finally broke through and cascaded in a trail of pain down her face.

"Do you know B'Elanna... " She demanded the young woman look at her.

"That the one thing that finally kept me from crying... was fear. Fear that you would finally see that I'm not as strong as you think I am. Fear that I'd disappoint all of you Fear... that I'd probably never stop if I gave into it. Because I knew it would break me... that if I cried I would have to acknowledge what I'd really lost. That I'd lost him and that's he'd never be coming back. That he filled every hole in me, even ones that I never knew existed. That... I loved him beyond anything and that it scared the hell out of me... and that I never had the guts to tell him...” Silence eclipsed again and B'Elanna now stood rebuked, her eyes dropped to the floor and her tears crashed onto the grey fabric of the carpet.

"All I ever wanted was to be one of you. To be myself, to lean on everyone else, to have the choice to love him... to have the choice to tell him. But I never got what I wanted... You on the other hand...” She heard Kathryn's sobbing pause as she held her breath. Her eyes shifted not wanting to look up.

"If you... you wanted a... a revenge of some sort, if you wanted to...

"If you wanted to break me... I'd

"Perhaps you'd like to be Captain?... I hear you have all the right attributes.” And she walked off, gliding through the crowd as they cleared a path and she left the Messhall leaving a stunned crew and a guilt ridden woman shaking in revulsion of herself in the warmth of her lover's arms.

"Harry?” Tom asked reluctantly. Harry shook his head as he checked in with Sickbay with the same answer as the last few hundred times he had done in the past week.

"This is fantastic.” Tom muttered solemnly. Harry looked up to him.

"B'Elanna won't budge from her quarters, she doesn't even talk to me... to anyone. The rest of the crew is sulking around feeling guilty and sorry for themselves. The whole damn ship is like a morgue! And the Captain...” He sighed heavily and his shoulders sank as his anger dissipated.

"She doesn't eat, she doesn't sleep, she doesn't talk, she doesn't work... she just lies curled up, crying all day.” Harry grimaced and bowed his head at the disturbing mental picture Tom had just introduced him too.

Tom and Tuvok had tried countless times to get her to respond to them but she just ignored them and kept on crying and crying and crying. Tom wasn't sure he could take much more of it. He sighed again.

"The Bridge is falling apart without the Captain and Chakotay and Engineering isn't far behind without B'Elanna, Seven is creating havoc down there. I don't even pretend to know what's wrong with her! She's being careless and neglectful. Not to mention that half the crew aren't even doing their own job right at the minute never mind covering for others... Gees Harry this is one right mess. One mess I nor Tuvok know how to clear up... and the only person I know capable is lying broken on a biobed in Sickbay...” Tom looked wearily to Harry who sighed visibly.

Silence shrouded Sickbay with darkness, but the pitiful sobs that echoed in it shattered the sombre silence and every now and then when he heard it the Doctor's holographic heart skipped a beat.

Once again he heard the whimpering of his Captain. He rose from his chair and looked to where she was lying. He shook his head as he found her just as he had left her an hour ago... just as he had left her over a week ago.

Kathryn Janeway lay wrapped up in herself on a biobed. Her small form crumpled up into as compact a space as she could manage. She would whimper and fall silent, whimper and fall silent, sob and cry out... and fall silent as her body shook with all the pain that had taken her over and she lay crying with only her thoughts as companions...

Suddenly the whimpering, the sobbing, the shaking, the crying... all went silent.

The silence startled the Doctor and he pushed himself from his chair at the desk. He walked out slowly and called for the computer to raise the lights 25%.

What he saw nearly knocked him off his feet and back into the office. He shook his head wondering if his subroutines were malfunctioning. He rubbed his eye fiercely like a child would, but still as he pulled his hands away... he still saw the dark man kneeling at the Captain's bedside.

He walked on out to confront the man, hoping he'd 'wake up' anytime soon. He cleared his throat and the man turned his face towards him. The Doctor nearly gasped.

"Doctor...” He said sadly, his face a mirror of worry. The Doctor only closed his eyes and opened them to find yet again the man staring at him.

"Commander?...” He scrunched his face up in disbelief.

"But you're... you're...” The Doctor stumbled. Chakotay frowned at him.

"Dead?” The Doctor's eyebrows shot upwards.

"It seems to be a popular opinion today.” He almost smiled. He saw the Doctor's shifting, weary eyes.

"I'm here Doctor. I'm real. I wasn't killed on that planet.” The Doctor opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted quickly.

"It's a long story... and I have more important things on my mind right now.” He said quickly and side glancing towards the Captain not willing to take his eyes off her yet.

"How is she?” He finally asked and his gaze once again fell upon her. The Doctor's eyes fell. He began to shake his head.

"I don't honestly know.” He looked over her small frame taking in her now still demeanour. It was unnerving to see her so still and so quiet, as she hadn't stopped crying nor shaking for over a week... not even to sleep.

"What is it?” Chakotay asked suddenly, seeing the expression on his face. The Doctor met his eyes immediately.

"She hasn't been this quiet in over a week. I suppose I should hope that it's the work of the sedative I gave her but they never seemed to work before. ” He said flatly, but Chakotay could her the underlying concern.

"What do you mean quiet? And... sedatives?” He asked reluctantly. The Doctor sighed and looked at him seriously.

"What I mean is. Until just now she hasn't stopped... crying, shaking, whimpering... she was always doing something, she hasn't even slept. I've given her sedatives, and she sleeps short times, but even in that time she still whimpers and sighs... it's unsettling.” He admitted with a deep frown and he turned to his own thoughts as he glanced to the monitors to check she was okay.

"Crying?... Kathryn... crying?” Chakotay shook his head as he uttered the words almost silently.

"What could do this to her?” He asked absently. The Doctor noted this and turned to him with a steady face convinced he could say this and not make anyone feel uncomfortable.

"To be frank... it was you.” Chakotay's eyes bore into him in sheer panic.

"Or to be precise... your apparent death.” He told him gently. Chakotay tried to speak but choked on his words.

"She's been like this since... since...”He trailed off helplessly. He sighed and his head fell into his hands.

"*I* did this to her?” He lifted his head for an answer. His dark eyes stabbed into the Doctor.

"You did nothing Commander... she ... I...” He trailed off not knowing how to explain. He rubbed his forehead in exasperation. Chakotay pulled a seat over and sat in it. He took Kathryn's hand in his and laid his head over it.

"I'm so sorry Kathryn...” He sighed. The Doctor swallowed and sighed.

"She'll come through this Commander. She's a courageous woman.” The Doctor offered some optimism that Chakotay didn't even acknowledge he heard. The Doctor walked off into his office again shaking his head.

B'Elanna had only heard an hour ago that Chakotay had suddenly turned up on some alien vessel. She had raced to the Bridge thinking Tom was pulling her leg yet knowing he wouldn't do something like that yet feeling the need to see for herself. Getting there, she found the Bridge lacking Chakotay. Her heart sank. Tom saw her and he rushed to her.

"He's here B'Ela... he's really here! - It's... unreal!” He triumphed. B'Elanna stared at him confused. Tom noticed and his joy dissipated.

"We told him... about the Captain... we told him she was in Sickbay.” He explained and B'Elanna understood as her face conveyed the worry she felt for her friend for what he would find in Sickbay.

"He asked for her first thing... and went straight away.” B'Elanna nodded feeling a knot in her stomach.

"How?” She muttered. Tom inhaled deeply and smiled.

"Before the shuttle crashed he attempted to perform an emergency beam out, he only managed in getting himself out before the crash, but he beamed himself into mid air and fell the rest of the way. He was injured badly and he blacked out. When he came to he was lying in a bed, being nursed by a young woman.” B'Elanna's brow furrowed and Tom continued.

"She's a scientist and she was surveying the Keriptenian energy source from the planet. She found him, not knowing who he was or where he came from she could do nothing until he came to. So she nursed him back to health. When he finally did she arranged to find Voyager and arranged transport on a vessel for him. It took them a while to catch up.” B'Elanna considered this.

"How come we didn't detect her on the planet?” She asked. Tom expected this, Tuvok had asked the same question not so long ago.

"She uses cloaking technology, even on herself. Niffty eh?” B'Elanna wasn't impressed with the alien technology. Tom raised his eyebrows.

"That and the interference from the Keriptenian energy. She couldn't see us - we couldn't see her.” He shrugged. B'Elanna grimaced as she thought how easily this could all have been avoided if it hadn't been for the damn Keriptenian. She shook those useless thoughts away, as something else struck her.

"The trace DNA in the ashes?” She questioned.

"From his injuries.” Tom stated matter - of - factly and B'Elanna's shoulders heaved in satisfaction. She glanced uneasily to Tom again.

"Does he know...?” She asked lowly. Tom shook his head and B'Elanna's fell into her chest.

"Doctor?” Chakotay called from Kathryn' bedside, wiping the sleep from his face. Moments later the Doctor's head peered out.

"She still hasn't woken?” He knew the chances she had woken while he was sleeping were slim to none but he had to ask all the same. The Doctor shook his head. Chakotay sunk back into his chair.

"Can you wake her?” He asked. The Doctor didn't look pleased. Chakotay's eyes drifted back to Kathryn, taking in how she was still curled into a foetal position as if she was stuck that way.

"She needs the rest I'd rather not wake her, unless it's absolutely necessary.” He saw Chakotay's face fall.

"If she hasn't woken by tomorrow I'll consider it.” Chakotay nodded and the Doctor noticed the dark lines under his eyes, and the fatigue written all over his face.

"I suggest you go to your quarters and get some proper rest too.” Chakotay looked at him as if he had asked him to jump out an airlock. The Doctor tutted and moved closer.

"Don't even try to protest... I swear she's had a bad influence on you. Go. I'll alert you if she as much as breathes the wrong way.” Chakotay didn't look convinced.

"Doctors orders Commander. Besides there are many people who would like to see you and many things I'm sure that have to be straightened up. You won't get that done in here, nor will you see anyone in here.” He added disapprovingly. Chakotay glanced back to Kathryn and squeezed her hand.

"They don't come to see her.” His gentle statement caught the Doctor off guard. When he didn't receive a reply Chakotay turned and searched the Doctors eyes.

"No, very few come in here these days. Albeit Tuvok and Tom... Seven too.” He admitted ashamed for the crew. Chakotay looked angry.

"They feel guilty for what happened to her. But more than that it... troubles them to see her like this.” He added as an explanation. If Chakotay understood he didn't show it.

There was an awkward silence and the Doctor moved to place a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"Please... go get some rest.” Chakotay nodded and stood slowly. He opened his mouth slightly ajar.

"Like I said - I'll call.” Chakotay nodded again and moved off to get some real sleep.

"Tom I don't know about this... I don't think I can do it...” B'Elanna trailed nervously as they stopped yards from Sickbay. Tom took his two hands and placed them firmly on her shoulders.

"You *can* do this. You need to do this.” He gave her a comforting look and she nodded hastily after some consideration. He nodded back to her and his hands slipped off her shoulders and as they turned she grabbed his hand in hers and he squeezed it reassuringly.

They walked up to Sickbay and the doors whisked open to a gloomy, dark atmosphere. Tom heard B'Elanna take a deep breath. They walked inside and only when they neared the biobed did they notice the figure sitting in the seat beside it.

Tom squinted in the dark lighting.

"Seven?” He asked, disbelief almost edging in his voice. Seven's head snapped up as if she had only realised that she wasn't alone. She looked uncomfortable under Tom and B'Elanna's gaze. She slowly lifted herself from the seat and gave them a nod of greeting.

Tom thought it best not to question anything from the look on Seven's face. She was obviously uncomfortable. As she began to walk away from the bed he began to form a protest that she didn't have to leave when he caught sight of the Captain's hand dropping out of Seven's. He didn't question that either, he just smiled slightly.

"We didn't mean to disturb you Seven.” He said quietly. He thought for a moment he saw anger in her eyes but if he had it was extinguished quicker than it appeared.

"You did not.” She replied. Tom nodded to her. He saw her fight not to let her eyes turn in the direction they were drifting. His eyes followed and fell on the Captain.

"You can stay with us if you want.” He added softly. Seven's body straightened.

"I cannot. I require... regeneration.” Tom frowned at her.

At his puzzled expression Seven took cue to leave. Tom watched her leave and when he turned around again he watched B'Elanna. He watched her completely lost in the image before her.

She hadn't been in before. Hell, in the past week she had barely left her quarters. He saw her struggle not to turn and run. He felt as her fingers curled tighter around his hand. She could do this.

"Ahhh, Mr. Paris! You're in early this... " He trailed of as he exited his office properly, having just being activated automatically for the day, and he spotted B'Elanna.

B'Elanna ignored the Doctor and let Tom's hand fall, then she walked over to the seat Seven had been sitting in. Tom let her go and moved over to the Doctor to give her a bit of room to herself.

"It seems I'm not the only one. You're up quite early too Doc.” He added knowing that Seven entering this morning would've activated the Doctor instantly. The Doctor frowned at him.

"What do you mean? I only came online when you entered.” He asked confused. Tom frowned this time.

"You weren't activated when Seven came in?” Tom asked. The Doctor shook his head.

"No. Wait... are you saying Seven was here when you came?” He asked suddenly.

"Yeah. She was sitting by the Captain.” Tom answered also confused. The Doctor's mouth turned up a little.

"She just left, said she was... going to...” Tom's face softened.

"Are you implying she's been in here all night?” He asked in disbelief.

"Yes. She was here last night when I deactivated myself. And not only that I suspect she's been here most nights too.” He smiled now and Tom just gaped at him. He hadn't time to question further as he heard the doors swish open.

Chakotay walked in quickly, like a man on a mission. He stopped halfway when he noticed that Sickbay was full... and at 0700hrs in the morning at that. A whole hour before the new duty shift was due.

B'Elanna was the first he looked at. He smiled at her. Then he noticed the Doctor and Tom standing off to the left of her. He was about to go over to them when B'Elanna got out of the seat.

"You can sit here if you want.” She said shyly. Chakotay had to rewind to register her tone. He decided to ignore it.

"It's okay B'Elanna I want to talk to the Doctor first.” He answered glancing over her shoulder to Kathryn who still hadn't budged. He walked away to do just that.

"Doctor?” He called lowly as he moved towards them getting the Doctor's attention.

"Are you going to wake her today?” He wasted no time in asking. The Doctor sighed at him and shrugged.

"I won't get any peace until I do. I suppose I can wake her now.” He grumbled and left to find a hypospray. Tom gave Chakotay an uneasy glance. Chakotay looked away and followed the Doctor over to the biobed.

B'Elanna stood back to give them room, and the Doctor brought the hypospray to Kathryn's neck and administered the drug. He pulled back waiting for a reaction. When he didn't get one he shifted on his legs and fought the urge to worry straight away.

Just as he was about to he heard a low moan escape Kathryn's mouth. He smiled.

"Captain?” He called gently as she began to shuffle about. Her eyes flickered and opened. They set on the Doctor and she grimaced as reality came crashing back to her. A sob passed her lips. The Doctor sighed.

"Captain I want you to listen to me-” He began.

"Go... please go away...” She murmured. The Doctor cocked his head back at the sound of her voice for the first time in a week. He saw her eyes closing again and jumped into action again.

"Stay with me Captain. Stay awake.” He prompted her, she only grimaced at the arrogant sound of his voice.

"There's some people here to see you... and someone who I'll bet you want to see.” He said happily. She listened to his words and tears found their way into her half-closed eyes.

The Doctor nearly kicked himself as she began to weep again. He looked to the rest for support. B'Elanna looked like she was about to cry too. Tom was sighing and rubbing his forehead. Chakotay had blanched at the situation. He had never seen her cry before... he had never seen her so weak and vulnerable before. Sure he had seen her sick, even near death before, but this ... this was terrifying to him.

He shoved in beside the Doctor and hovered over her.

"Kathryn...” His voice pleaded in sadness. She responded only by sobbing harder and rolling onto her side again. Chakotay wasn't giving up. He made his way around the opposite side of the bed and knelt to be level with her.

Her vision blurred with tears and the sound of her own sobs deafening her, Kathryn didn't notice this. He took her hand in his gently and she shivered at his touch, pulling her hand away she cried out.

"Kathryn... please, it's me, it's Chakotay.” He implored her with urgency. Another cry escaped her.

"No... no... you're not real... stop this... leave me...” She trailed into silence, her words almost muffled by her cries. Chakotay's heart nearly sank into his stomach. This wasn't going to be as easy as he'd thought.

"Kathryn I'm here. I'm alive. I'm not dead. Do you understand me? I'm *not* dead!” He grabbed her shoulder and squeezed it. She only shook her head as more tears leaked through her closed lids.

"Kathryn... it was a mistake, it was all a big mistake. Kathryn open your eyes and look at me. I'm here.” He moved his hand to remove a strand of hair that had fallen over her face, getting soaked in tears. Her body started to shake as her sobbing got more intense.

"No! No... he's dead... he's gone and I'm alone...” She cried before he cut her off.

"You're not alone Kathryn! Do you hear me? I'm not dead, I'm right here!” He shook her gently. She ignored him as if he wasn't even there.

"He's gone and I never... I never...” She broke down again and her words got lost in her cries. Chakotay's hands pulled away from her and he heaved back. He rubbed his face furiously then stood. He leaned over her and stroked her hair, tracing a line down the side of her face.

"Kathryn please... I need you here. I need you with me.” He bent over and moved closer so he was almost whispering in her ear.

"Come back to me Kathryn... " He closed his eyes and he felt tears forming behind his eyelids. He planted a soft kiss on her cheek.

"I love you Kathryn....” Try as he did to stop it, a tear streaked down his face and splashed onto her jaw. He found himself sobbing, he felt hopeless.

He opened his eyes, as suddenly there was silence. The first thing he saw captivated him.

She was staring bleary eyed at him. Her eyes full of magical wonder... and yet he could see confusion quickly clouding that wonder.

"Kathryn...” He sighed and a smile broke out over his face. He cupped her face in his hands.

"Chakotay?... No it... it can't be.” She said uncertainly. He smiled even broader if it was possible. He nodded.

"I'm here Kathryn. I'm real... and I want you back with me.” She still looked confused.

"I can explain everything later Kathryn, right now I just want you to tell me you believe me.” She looked worried for a second, then a spark gleamed in her eyes.

"Do you trust me Kathryn?” He asked deeply.

"With my heart.” She replied steadily. In spite of himself he let out a joyous yelp.

Four days later Voyager had all but been back to normal. Everyone was back at work and functioning efficiently, spirits raised by the sudden return of their First Officer and the recovery of their Captain.

Kathryn was lying reflecting on the past few weeks of her life when the chime sounded in her quarters. She shook herself out of the daze, anticipating if her visitor would have some news as to how the ship was. She inwardly scowled as she thought on the fact that the Doctor had forced her to take a few days off work.

"Come.” She called and sat up to attention. The doors opened to reveal B'Elanna hovering over the entrance. Her eyes set firmly on Kathryn's. Kathryn frowned at her.

"Are you coming in or do you want to have a conversation from where you are?” Kathryn asked. B'Elanna looked even more uneasy.

"I'm very good at throwing my voice you know?” She injected a little humour to ease B'Elanna. Obviously it worked as she saw a ghost of a smile appear on the young woman's face as she stepped inside letting the doors close behind her. As she neared her Kathryn motioned to a seat opposite her. B'Elanna sat down in it.

"What can I do for you B'Elanna?” She asked with a smile on her face. B'Elanna hesitated.

"A problem in Engineering? You need me to help you?” She asked eagerly but got no response.

"A report? You want me to review a report?” Nothing again.

"Or... is it some sort of relationship problem?” She flinched slightly at that. Kathryn grinned.

"Tom been getting on your nerves?” She asked, laughter bubbling through. B'Elanna frowned and shook her head. Kathryn raised her eyebrow in defeat.

"What is it B'Elanna? What do you want me to do?” She asked concerned. B'Elanna held her gaze firmly and swallowed, praying for courage.

"Forgive me.” She said softly. Kathryn's body tensed.

"I know I don't deserve it. I mean, what I said... what I did to you. I put you in that biobed, it was my fault. All those things I said Captain and I... and I didn't mean any of it... I'm sorry, I just wanted you to know... I...” Her rambling trailed off and she rose up quickly to leave.

"B'Elanna!” Kathryn jumped out of her seat. B'Elanna froze with her back turned.

"I put myself in that biobed. I failed myself, I failed all of you, and I failed him.” She put her hand up as B'Elanna turned to protest.

"I can accept that. I know what I did and I'm over it. I know now what I could lose by going through that situation and I plan to avoid it from ever happening. I can't hide from death, but I can face it... face it with no regrets. The only thing you're guilty of is helping me realise my faults, realise what I did wrong. Of giving me a second chance.” The door chime sounded again interrupting her. She stared at B'Elanna making sure she knew the importance of what she was telling her.

"Come.” She called as the chime sounded again, but she didn't move, didn't break the stare. Chakotay walked in, instantly sensing the tense atmosphere. He stopped and stood in silence.

"You did nothing wrong. You should have... no regrets.” Kathryn said finally. B'Elanna nodded in respectful understanding and she began to walk off.

Reaching the door she turned back to Kathryn. She looked at her purposefully and then shifted her stare to Chakotay.

"No regrets Captain.” She said smiling. Kathryn grinned back at her as her eyes shifted to see Chakotay frowning at the two of them.

"Give me a minute to work on that B'Elanna.” She called after the half Klingon woman as she exited. As the doors closed a bubble of laughter floated in.

Kathryn chuckled at Chakoaty's confused expression.

"Kathryn what was all that about?” He asked in a puzzled tone. She walked up to him and caught him by the hand.

"Oh nothing...” Her tone betraying everything. Chakotay snorted in disbelief.

"I know nothing Kathryn... and *that* wasn't nothing. So tell me another one.” He accused. She stopped yanking on his arm, and he only noticed she had been pulling him deeper into her quarters when she did. She moved directly in front of him.

"Okay try this one...” She tilted her head to the side as if calculating something.

"Have I told you lately...” Her pensive expression melted into a warm smile.

"... that I love you?” She finished. Chakotay stood, mouth agape and watched as she stood gracefully on her tip toes, masterfully snaking a hand around his neck, and pulled him down to meet her lips in a tender kiss that sent him soaring as they stumbled backwards into the bedroom.

Falling onto her bed, the bounce separated their lips. Chakotay was gasping as he fought to suck in air. She smiled wickedly as she hovered over him and her expression sent his mind reeling.

"Tell me another Kathryn...” He said breathlessly and smiled back at her. She raised her eyebrow in Tuvok fashion and one side of her mouth quirked upwards.

"How about I show you?” She asked before settling over him and devouring his mouth in a soulful passion.