To Lose Control

Captain Kathryn Janeway sighed heavily as she made another attempt to get through the lengthy astrometrics report provided by Seven of Nine. She had escaped to her ready room in hopes to get through some of the more detailed reports before the end of her shift, but unfortunately it was not going according to her plan. Her door chimed and without looking up she called for her visitor to enter.

Commander Chakotay walked briskly into the room and paused in front of her desk. He smiled slightly as he watched the Captain's brow furrow. Finally, giving up on the report she looked up at him and smiled.

"Commander, what can I do for you?”

"I just finished with B'Elanna's engineering report. I thought you might want to take a look at it before I signed off on it.”

Kathryn rolled her eyes. "Chakotay, I trust your judgment. Besides I can't get through Seven's report in one reading, I sincerely doubt that B'Elanna's is going to be any easier.”

He chuckled softly. "I thought you would say that, so I convinced her to do a one page summary. It's really easy reading.”

Kathryn raised her eyebrow in surprise. Getting up from her desk she walked over to the replicator, giving him a questioning glance. He shook his head. "Computer, coffee, black,” she ordered. Taking a sip she walked over to stand in front of Chakotay, leaning against her desk. "And how did you manage to get B'Elanna of all people, to tone down her report? She always gives full systems reports. I think she does it too keep me occupied for a while, but I haven't proved it yet,” she said with that crooked smile he had come to love.

Chakotay relaxed his stance and folded his arms behind his back. "I have my ways to persuade stubborn women to do what I want, Captain,” he said lightly.

She raised an eyebrow at him and matched his light tone. "Oh, I forgot. The Chakotay charm. What did you do? Flash that brilliant smile of yours?”

"Of course. The slow smile, seductive voice, she couldn't resist,” he teased.

"Oh don't forget those dimples, Commander,” she said softly.

He stepped closer to her without being aware of it. "So you like my dimples, Captain?” he asked smiling to make sure she got the full effect.

"I would definitely say that they are a part of your charm, Chakotay,” she answered softly. Her smile faltered as her eyes wandered down to his mouth. She clinched her hand into a fist to keep them from reaching out and tracing his lips with the tips of her fingers. Her mouth was suddenly dry and the atmosphere in the room was tense. She licked her dry lips and heard Chakotay's quick intake of breath.

"Kathryn, if you want our relationship to remain purely professional, you had better stop looking at me like that,” he ground out, his voice tight with his effort to keep it from betraying him.

Kathryn eyes widened as she realized that she'd been staring at him. She looked up and saw the desire in his eyes, and had a feeling that he'd seen the same in her own. Her breathing quickened and her heart began pounding so hard she wondered if he could hear it. He was close, too close, but she didn't move out of his way. She didn't think she could move even if she wanted too. His eyes held her own and she was lost, all coherent thought was gone. Her stomach quivered nervously as his hand grazed hers as he took the cup and placed it behind her on the desk. She could feel his warm breath against her mouth as he bent his head slowly, giving her a chance to pull away. Instead, Kathryn felt herself close the distance between them, melting into him as their lips met.

The kiss was light, teasing. His tongue came out to trace her lips, making her shiver with anticipation. He kissed one side of her mouth, then her chin, then came back to the other side. Kathryn's legs felt ready to buckle at the feather light teasing his assault had on her. Needing more she opened her mouth and raised her hand to cup the back of his head and guided his lips to rest fully on hers. He didn't hesitate as his tongue met hers in the play for dominance.

Kathryn groaned deeply when he won the battle and his tongue entered her mouth, grazing her teeth. He suckled her tongue gently, tasting coffee. He ground his hips against her and Kathryn felt his erection against her stomach. Swirling her hips against him she met his arousal with her own. He dragged his mouth away from hers and began to kiss her chin and then her throat. His mouth stopped at her neck and began to caress it with his tongue and then gently take the soft flesh between his lips. Kathryn arched against him. She couldn't think, her senses were on overload, only knowing the need she felt for him. A thought was trying to make itself known in her mind, something important, a warning, but at that moment Chakotay's teeth bit down lightly on her neck and she gasped. His tongue began to lick the injured spot and Kathryn felt herself swept away in a wave of emotions. Kathryn held onto Chakotay's shoulder's, feeling the muscles ripple underneath her hands.

Chakotay brought his hand up to fondle her breast through the thick material of her uniform. They moaned in unison and Kathryn felt her need for him increase. Arching her back, she began to rub against him, needing the friction to ease the ache that had developed below. Chakotay growled and returned his mouth to hers. His hand wandered down her body until it was nestled between them. He could feel the heat of her through her pants and knew she was wet. He cupped his hand over her center, his touch sending waves of pleasure through her. His mouth returned to her neck as he began to rub his hand against her mound. Kathryn whimpered and held tightly to his shoulders.

Between the assault on her neck and his frantic rubbing of her through her uniform, she knew she couldn't hold back much longer. It felt so good; she didn't want it to stop. Her body responded to his hand as her hips began to undulate against it. He increased his movements even more and Kathryn bit down on her lower lip to keep from crying out. It registered briefly in the mist of her ecstasy that she shouldn't be doing this. It wasn't right, what they were doing; couldn't be right. She had to stop him. But his hand moved over her once again and she felt herself stiffen and was lost in a wave of pleasure.

Chakotay felt her movements and knew she was close. Needling her continually through the uniform, he held her tight as she climaxed against him. Pulling her close he whispered softly in her ear, painfully aware of his own aroused state. His hand gently brushed her hair as he waited for her to catch her breath and regain her strength. He felt her hands clench his shirt. He held her away from him and, gently caressed her face.

Kathryn closed her eyes and tried to steady her breathing. She could feel the gentleness of Chakotay's touch and wanted nothing more than to lean into him. He moved slightly, his arousal still apparent. Her eyes flew open and she placed her hands on his chest and pushed him away. He stared at her in puzzlement.

"Kathryn?”

Her hand flew to her mouth as a tortured cry escaped her lips at the realization of what they had done, in her ready room no less, slammed into her. What was she thinking? How could she have lost control like that? What had gotten into her? Oh my god, what must he think of her? Shame washed over her and her face flushed with embarrassment. She was the Captain, for goodness sake. Was she so weak that she could just forget all her training, all her sense of decency for one go round with her First Officer? What was wrong with her?

Chakotay watched as one emotion after another flew across her face. "Kathryn, talk to me,” he whispered desperately.

She refused to look at him. Walking away she wrapped her arms around herself. "I think you should leave, Commander,” she said quietly.

The use of his title did not go unnoticed. "I don't think that's a good idea right now.”

She whirled around to face him. Her face turned bright red as she realized his predicament. She didn't know what to say. Her eyes darted about the room, looking everywhere but at him. He walked slowly towards her.

"Kathryn…” she jerked away from him as he reached out to touch her.

"No…I…” her lips trembled as she fought to control her emotions. She couldn't let him touch her. It would be her undoing. "I have to go,” she mumbled quickly and before he could react she was out the door, onto the bridge heading towards the turbolift. She didn't notice the surprised stares she received as she entered the lift. Her only thought was escape. She had lost control with her bridge crew less than 2 feet away. She, Captain of an intrepid class starship had lost control like a teenager in lust.

Kathryn closed her eyes and leaned heavily against the inner wall. Shame washed over her in waves. Her throat ached from the sobs she was holding back. She couldn't cry now. She had to make it to her quarters where she could allow herself the emotional relief she badly needed.

The lift opened and she nearly ran over a young ensign as she fought her way through the rapid tearing of her eyes to get to her quarters. The door closed behind her and she fell against the wall beside it. Immediately the sobs she tried to hold inside overwhelmed her and she cried out in anguish. Wrapping her arms around her middle she sank slowly to the floor and cried.

Chakotay stayed in the ready room a few moments longer to give himself time to get situated. He knew he needed to go after Kathryn, to help her through what she was feeling, but at that moment he didn't know how he could. When he 'd come into her ready room he never expected anything like what happened to have happen. They'd always flirted with each other. It was harmless. That was one of the reasons Janeway allowed it to go on. One minute they were laughing, talking, flirting with each other and the next they were all over each other, touching, kissing, caressing. He wasn't complaining, of course, but the look on Kathryn's face as she darted out of the Ready Room had him concern.

Chakotay closed his eyes. He knew what she would be thinking and he had to go find her. They needed to talk. Now. Before she thought it over too much and takes away the little intimacy they had. He knew what was at stake. Kathryn had lost control. Kathryn never liked to lose control. They both were swept away in the heat of the moment. It had never been that intense between them before. Why was this time so different? Chakotay sighed as he recalled their dinner a couple of nights ago. They'd flirted more than usual that night. The sexual tension between them was becoming more noticeable. He knew he loved her and he knew she had feelings for him to. But Kathryn would never admit to those feelings, not while they were still on Voyager and definitely not while she was still the Captain. He had to find her.

Chakotay walked slowly out onto the bridge. He avoided glancing at the handsome blond pilot, for his eyes were full of curiosity. Making his way up to tactical he stopped in front of the Vulcan security officer.

"Mr. Tuvok, I need to go check on the Captain,” he said lowly so only Tuvok could hear. "You have the bridge.”

"Aye sir. Is everything all right with the Captain, Commander?”

Chakotay looked at the Vulcan and saw the concern in his eyes. He sighed heavily. "I hope so Tuvok, I hope so.” he said and exited the bridge.

"Computer locate Captain Janeway.”

"Captain Janeway is in her quarters,” said the soft feminine voice.

Giving the turbolift his destination he waited impatiently for it to stop. He stepped out of the lift and walked briskly towards the Captain's quarters. He rang her door chime and waited. After doing so two more times and getting no answer he tapped his communicator.

"Chakotay to Janeway.” Silence greeted him. He tried again. "Chakotay to Kathryn. Kathryn I know you're in there and I know you can hear me. We need to talk, so either you let me in or I'll use my override codes,” he threatened.

"Are you alone in the corridor, Chakotay?”

He hesitated and looked around. "Yes.”

"Then I…look, Chakotay I…I know we n-need to talk, but not now. I…I can't do…this now...”

"Kathryn…”

"Chakotay, please…” she pleaded through her tears.

Chakotay heard the desperation in her voice. He knew she needed time, but he knew that too much time alone would be detrimental. "Alright Kathryn, but I want you to promise me that we will discuss this soon.”

He heard her sigh and he knew that if he didn't get her to agree and promise him, she would withdraw into herself.

"Promise me Kathryn,” he warned.

"I-I promise Chakotay,” she answered. "Janeway out.”

Chakotay stood outside the door a moment longer, debating whether or not he should really leave her alone. He could hear the tears in her voice and hated the thought that he'd hurt her. The last thing he wanted to do was add to her despair. Sighing, he turned away and headed back to the bridge.

The next day as Kathryn entered the turbolift for the bridge she tried to mentally prepare herself to see Chakotay. Embarrassment flared up inside of her each time she thought of him. She was exhausted from crying most of the night and the fact that she didn't sleep well didn't help at all. She looked terrible and she knew it. Fighting hard to keep the Captain's mask in place she swallowed and exited the lift.

Chakotay was already at his station she noted as well as most of the alpha shift. She wasn't late by any means but was still surprised that she was the last to enter the bridge. Tuvok raised an eyebrow at her and she smiled weakly at him. He frowned slightly and she turned away. Making her face as impassive as possible she headed down to the command center.

"Report,” she said in lieu of a greeting and noticed Tom Paris turn around to glance at Harry. This was not her normal morning greeting and she regretted the mistake and the attention it received from her two curious bridge officers.

Chakotay glanced over at her as she sat stiffly in her chair. "Everything's operational. We've haven't detected anything on long-range sensors.” He took in the circle under her eyes and leaned over slightly. "Are you all right, Captain?”

"I'm fine Commander,” she stated firmly. "Since you have everything under control here, I'll be in my ready room.” Before he could say anything she disappeared behind the ready room doors.

Tom Paris let out a low whistle. Chakotay turned to him. "Something on your mind, Mr. Paris?” his tone cold.

"No sir,” said Paris as he attended to his station.

As soon as the doors closed behind her memories of the day before assaulted her. She took in the abandoned coffee cup on her desk where Chakotay had set it after removing it from her hand. The padd she was reading still lay where she had left it, along with the report from engineering. Quickly pushing the thoughts out of her mind she recycled the cup and straightened her desk.

Seeing Chakotay on the bridge didn't help her already fragile state of mind. She couldn't do this. She'd come to a realization the night before that surprised and scared her, although the latter she would never admit to anyone. She'd needed to find a reason for her wanton behavior; she needed to understand why she lacked any self-control during their game of flirting. They'd flirted before and she'd always been attracted to him. But she also knew when to back off and not let things get out of hand, just like the other night at dinner. Things were getting uncomfortable for her and she had suggested they retire for the evening. In separate quarters, of course. She'd stayed up most of the night thinking of him and why she was reacting to him this way. When the answer came to her she was so shocked that for a moment she couldn't breath. She was in love with him. And what frightened her even more was the realization that she wanted him, badly. If she were honest with herself she'd realize that she'd known all along, but she was barely able to admit to it now, she most definitely would not be back-dating it.

She didn't know what she was going to do. She'd sworn to herself that nothing would ever come of it. She could never let him know. And now her emotions were all over the place. Kathryn shook her head. She couldn't function like this. Resolving to find a way to push all this to the back of her mind, she sat down with a fresh cup of coffee and once again attempted to get through Seven's report.

Some time later just as Janeway finished the last report her door chimed. Immediately she tensed. Praying that it wasn't Chakotay, but knowing she couldn't avoid him forever, she called out hesitantly.

"Come”.

The door opened to reveal Neelix, his hand full with a tray of what she assumed was food.

Sitting up straight in her desk she frowned slightly at him. "What's this?” she asked as he placed the tray down in front of her.

"Well Captain, seeing that you missed lunch, I just thought I'd bring you a little something to you. You have to eat you know.”

She smiled gently at him. Neelix was always trying to look out for her. "Neelix, thank you, but I'm not hungry.” At his doubtful look she added, "Really.”

"Captain, do you know what time it is?”

"I assume it's sometime after the lunch hour Neelix.”

"No Captain, it's sometime after the dinner hour. You've been working to hard once again Captain. The Doctor would not approve.”

Kathryn checked her chronometer and saw that he was right. How could she have completely lost track of time? The alpha shift had ended almost an hour ago. Why hadn't Chakotay interrupted her? Did she really want him too? What if he was trying to avoid her? No, she thought, he wouldn't do that, would he? Maybe he was embarrassed or ashamed of her. Could he be that ashamed of her actions that he didn't even want to face her? She couldn't blame him, but it didn't make it hurt any less. Aware that Neelix was still in the room, she was careful not to reveal the turmoil she was feeling.

Clearing her throat she forced a smile. "You're right Mr. Neelix, the doctor would not approve. Thank you for watching out for me.”

"Actually Captain, I can't take the credit this time.”

She raised an eyebrow at him. "Oh?”

"No ma'am. Commander Chakotay was called to engineering to help with a problem and he missed lunch as well. He told me, though, that you probably would work through lunch and forget to eat and I was to bring food to you if you hadn't reported in by dinnertime. So here I am.”

"Chakotay told you to bring me food?” she asked shocked. What did that mean?

"Yes, Captain.” Neelix hesitated at her expression. "Uh, Captain I thought you knew that he sometimes check to see if you've eaten anything through the day. He says as First Officer he's responsible for your safety and that you'd forget to sleep sometimes if he didn't remind you,” Neelix chuckled lightly, but quickly quieted as she glared at him.

Silently Kathryn thought of all the times he'd suddenly show up with an invitation to dinner in his quarters or to convince her to take a trip to the Mess Hall. "I didn't know that Neelix, but I suppose it makes sense. Thank you for the meal.”

"No problem, Captain. Can I get you anything else?”

She smiled. No, Neelix, you're dismissed.” He smiled cheerfully at her and left her alone.

Kathryn ate her meal slowly. The green stuff, which she assumed was some type of soup, was actually pretty decent. She really wasn't hungry, but she knew that she needed to eat. She didn't need anyone mentioning anything about her losing weight. When she felt that she'd had enough, she recycled the dishes and returned to her desk. It was late and she knew she really should get to bed, but for some reason she couldn't bring herself to go just yet. She was surprised that Chakotay hadn't tried to discuss what had happened between them. She knew it was coming. He wasn't the type to let something like this stand in between them, without attempting to discuss it. She didn't want to think about it, let alone talk about it. She'd promised him she would and soon, but he didn't specify how soon. Facing herself in the mirror that morning was difficult enough, facing him was going to be pure torture.

Stop it Kathryn, you've got to get a hold of yourself. You're the Captain, you can handle anything, she told herself silently.

"Chakotay to Captain Janeway.”

Almost anything. "Janeway here,” she croaked.

"Kathryn, I would like to see you. Now,” he added.

"I'm in my ready room Commander. You're more than welcome to…”

"This isn't about ship's business Kathryn, and you know it. Your shift is over. Why don't I meet you in your quarters.”

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Chakotay, I don't think that's a good idea…”

"Kathryn,” he interrupted again. "Meet me in your quarters in 10 minutes or I'll have the transporter chief transport you there.”

His tone held no room for argument. And for fear that he would carry out his threat she sighed heavily and agreed. "All right, Chakotay, my quarters in 10 minutes. Janeway out.”

Kathryn rubbed her temple absently. She hadn't paid attention to the headache that was there. It was with her constantly at times and she became accustom to it. But sometimes the headache combined with other stresses, one being her demanding First Officer was a little more than she could take. She considered briefly about ignoring his request. It wasn't like the transporter chief would really transport her without her permission. She was the Captain after all. But just the fact that Chakotay would go to him and make his demand would lead to all kinds of speculation and that she definitely did not want.

Deciding that ignoring this now would only mean that she would have to face him later, she made her way towards the bridge. She smiled gently at the officer in charge of the night shift and noticed that he didn't relax until she was on the turbolift. She shook her head in amusement and called out her destination to the computer.

Leaning heavily against the wall she felt exhausted. She wasn't up for this conversation, yet she doubted that she ever would be. What would she say to him? How would she explain to him her wanton behavior? How was she going to face his disgust in her? Her headache was getting worse the closer she got to her deck. She didn't want to do this. She couldn't do this. She was so ashamed of herself, how could she discuss this? Kathryn nearly groaned out loud as the thoughts continue to run through her head. She had to get a grip. She was the Captain and although she didn't behave like it the day before she was determined to do so now. She would handle this situation like the experienced officer she was. With that resolve strongly in her mind, she squared her shoulders just as the doors to the lift opened. Her face was completely devoid of any of the emotions she was experiencing just moments ago. And though inside she was a nervous wreck, no one would know it just by looking at her. Almost no one.

Walking towards her quarters she noticed Chakotay leaning against the door and her armor almost cracked. She hesitated briefly as he stared intently at her. Hoping he hadn't notice, she continued toward him.

Chakotay had noticed her hesitation. He recognized immediately her defense stance. The captain would be partaking in this conversation. Not Kathryn. Chakotay sighed silently. He knew he was in for a long night.

"Commander,” she greeted in her best Captain's voice as she entered her code for her quarters.

"Kathryn,” he answered determined not to let their titles take over this discussion.

They entered the dim room and Kathryn quickly order up the lights. Chakotay looked around and noticed that the place was very clean. Every piece of furniture seemed to be in place, nothing out of order. Although he'd been in her quarters before, every time he entered he noticed something different. Tonight he noticed the picture of the two of them, which she normally kept by her reading table, was not there. Tucking that information away, he turned toward her.

Kathryn took several deep breaths before she turned around to face him. She still couldn't look into his eyes. She wasn't ready for the disgust she knew would be there. Turning away again, she headed for the replicator.

"Can I get you anything to drink, Commander?” she asked as she ordered coffee for herself.

"No, Kathryn, I don't want anything.”

Taking her coffee over to the couch she sat stiffly at the edge of the seat. Chakotay sat at the other end and turned towards her. Still refusing to look him in the eye she took a sip of her coffee.

"Is everything all right in Engineering? Neelix told me that there was a problem and you were called away from the bridge.”

"Yes, the problem was minor, but just took a little time. B'elanna will explain everything in her report.” He paused. "Since you heard that from Neelix, I assume he brought you something to eat?”

She smiled lightly. "Yes, thank you. I didn't know how late it was.”

Chakotay smiled and a tense silence fell between them. Chakotay shifted closer to her and saw her tense even more. Stifling a sigh, he spoke. "Kathryn, look at me.”

Masking her face she swallowed and lifted her eyes to his chest. She tried to raise them to his, but got no further then his lips and felt the shame slam into her. She couldn't do it. Rising quickly she walked over to the view port and stared out at the stars.

"You wanted to talk Commander, so talk,” she said.

Chakotay grew angry. He walked up behind her and grabbed her arm. Turning her to face him he place his hand under her chin and raised her face to his. "Look at me Kathryn. Look at me, dammit.”

And she did. She had no choice. With fear in her eyes she met the anger in his. Quickly before the fear could overwhelm her, Kathryn blinked and when again their eyes met Chakotay saw the hard set of her eyes, the Captain's eyes. But he had seen the fear before she could disguise it. Was she afraid of him?

"Kathryn, what happened yesterday in your ready room…”

"Was a mistake. I apologize, Commander. It was very unprofessional of me and I deeply regret my impulsive behavior. I know a simple apology doesn't make up for the fact that I practically attacked you, but I am sorry.”

Her unexpected apology threw him off for a moment. He frowned in puzzlement and she took the opportunity to disengage herself from his grasp. She took several steps away from him before facing him again. Chakotay took a step towards her and stopped.

"Kathryn, it was more than just yourself involved in what happened yesterday, and I…”

"I know that you are just trying to take some of the blame, but it's really not necessary,” she said interrupting him again. "I take full responsibility for my shameful actions. I honestly don't know what got into me. But I can promise you Commander that it will never happen again. You have my word on that,” she said firmly.

Chakotay felt the anger build inside of him. Walking briskly to her he grabbed her arms and shook her. "Stop it, Kathryn. Stop it. You are not on the bridge in front of your senior staff and you are not facing a firing squad at Starfleet Headquarters,” he yelled at her.

Kathryn felt her command façade slipping as she tried to twist out of Chakotay's grasp. "W-what on earth are you talking about? I know where I am and whom I'm talking to. I'm just trying to apologize…”

It was his turn to interrupt. "I know what you are trying to do, Kathryn,” said Chakotay. "And I'm not going to let you do it. You are not turning this into something we can just sweep under the rug. What happened yesterday involved us both and we are going to deal with it.”

"Kathryn,” he began softly. "I know that things got a bit out of hand yesterday.” She blushed and lowered her eyes. "It shouldn't have happened then and it shouldn't have happened there. But for the last few weeks, the awareness between us has become more intense, and I know you felt it. Something was bound to happen between us sooner or later Kathryn, whether you want to admit it or not. The more we flirted with each other the more charged the situation got. Can you honestly tell me that you didn't feel that?”

Kathryn turned out of his grasp and he let her go. Of course she felt it. She'd felt it then, she'd felt it yesterday and she felt it now. Just the slightest touch from him made her shiver. She'd always been aware of him as a man, not just as her First Officer and lately she was more aware of him then ever. She was aware of him now. His nearness, his scent, his masculinity, everything about him she was acutely aware of. But what did he want her to say? Nothing could come of it. He knew that and so did she. She rubbed her temple again and felt her resolve weaken. No, she thought, she couldn't give in to this.

"Chakotay,” she began. "I have always been aware that there is an…attraction between us. But you and I both know that nothing can ever come from that. I'm the Captain; you're my First Officer. There can be no relationship other than friendship between us.”

"How can you say that? After your response to me yesterday, how can you tell me that there can be nothing else? You wanted me, Kathryn, and not as your "friend”.

Kathryn's embarrassment deepened. She closed her eyes and swallowed before she looked at him. Her voice filled with humiliation, she spoke, "I'm sorry for that Chakotay. I know my actions were shameful and I don't blame you if you're disgusted by my weakness. I can't take back how I acted, but I hope that you can forgive me for throwing myself at you in that way. Like I said before, it won't happen again.”

Chakotay nearly groaned out loud as it suddenly dawned on him. She thought he was ashamed of her. Disgusted by her. He laughed inwardly at the idea. She couldn't be further from the truth. He was excited by her response to him. In fact, he was probably the happiest man in the Delta Quadrant because of how she responded to him. The fact that he could get her that aroused made him want her even more. How could he make her see how much she meant to him, how much he loved her? Walking over to her he gently took her hand and led her to the couch. She sat stiffly by him and stared at her hands.

"Kathryn, look at me,” he said kindly and she raised tear filled eyes to his own. Chakotay wanted to kiss her tears away but made himself go on without touching her. "Kathryn, I don't think anything that we did yesterday was disgusting or embarrassing or shameful. You were and are not any of those things. We wanted each other and things went further than they should have, but only because of where we were when it happened and that we were both on duty at the time. Nothing you did would make me think any less of you, just the opposite in fact. Seeing your face as you experienced pleasure at my hand, Kathryn, that was beautiful. You are beautiful. I love you Kathryn.”

"Oh, Chakotay,” she breathed as her tears ran unchecked down her cheeks. He lifted his hand to her face and gently wiped her tears away with his thumb. His soft touch was like a caress and Kathryn knew she was losing this. It was an impossible situation, but the feelings he invoked in her were so strong. She wanted nothing more than to say to hell with it all, and give into the cascade of emotions she was feeling for him. She loved him. God help her, she'd loved him for so long and the more she was around him the stronger her love grew. But how could she possibly get involved with him? A relationship between the command team would certainly fail, wouldn't it?

"Chakotay, thank you, but you know it's still not going to happen between us. I can't become involved with you.”

"I think we're already involved, Kathryn.”

"Chakotay please.”

"Why not, Kathryn. Tell me why,” he pleaded.

Kathryn fought for control. "I need you as my First Officer, Chakotay. I need you. I need to be able to send you out on away missions that might be potentially dangerous and not break down if you don't come back. I need to be able to count on your objectivity, your guidance, your counsel, and your friendship. What happens if we become lovers and things don't work out between us? We can't transfer off the ship and stop seeing each other. What happens when we have a professional disagreement or even a personal one? How will we separate our personal lives from our professional? I need you to be thinking as an Officer first and foremost just as I need to be thinking like a Captain. I need to be able to depend on that. I need to know that when I'm facing a dangerous situation, you're thinking about the welfare of the crew and not that of your lover.” She sighed heavily. "Don't you see? There's just so many obstacles in our way.”

Chakotay leaned forward, desperate to make her see things his way. "Kathryn, I don't have all the answers. I really wish I did, but I don't and neither do you. What I know is that we are Starfleet trained officers. We both know what's at stake. We know our jobs and I believe that whatever happens professionally or personally, we will handle it in the best possible way that benefits the crew. I believe that we are professional enough not to let our personal lives interfere with the running of this ship. What happens if we don't become lovers? If I die on a mission, will it hurt any less? I know that if something happened to you and we never became lovers, Kathryn, I would still ache with the pain of losing you. It would hurt even more knowing that I didn't spend the last of our time together telling you how much I love you,” he whispered softly and she cried harder.

"Kathryn,” he continued taking her hands in his own. "Honey we can make this work. We aren't lovers now and the sexual tension between us is almost tangible. Most of the crew thinks we're already lovers,” her head jerked up in surprise at this, her blue eyes wide. He smiled slightly. "Don't tell me you haven't heard the rumors about us?”

She sniffed and shrugged. "I may have heard something along those lines. I just…I just didn't really pay them any attention. But, Chakotay, what about the crew? How would they react knowing that their Command team is involved with each other? And as far as the…the sexual tension…between us…I…I hate losing control. When I'm with you…” she stopped as she searched for the words.

"You only feel that now Kathryn because you're doing everything in your power to fight it. In the bedroom, it's okay to lose that control,” he said and smiled as she blushed, " but I know you Kathryn. Your resolve would never slip unless you wanted it too.”

"Oh yeah? How do you explain yesterday?” she mumbled dryly, not entirely believing she was having this discussion.

He chuckled softly. "I repeat. You would never lose your control unless you wanted too.” She blushed deeply at his comment. She realized that his statement was partially true, but what he didn't realize is that he could make her lose control whether she wanted to or not. And that's what scared her.

Chakotay watched her and knew that he was getting through to her, but he also could still see the lingering doubt in her eyes. And fear. He wondered again if she were afraid he would hurt her.

"Kathryn, you know that I would never intentionally hurt you, don't you?”

She looked up and saw his worried gaze staring intently at her. "Oh, Chakotay of course I know that. It's just…” again she hesitated.

"Kathryn, you have nothing to be afraid of. The crew will accept our relationship. They want nothing more than for you to be happy. If anyone objects, which I doubt that they will, we'll deal with it together. I love you, Kathryn. I want you and I need you, not as a Captain, but as a woman, a very desirable woman. Let go, Kathryn, and come with me. Take a chance on what we have, what we can have. I love you, Kathryn. Let me prove to you that we can do this. Let me show you that it could be so much more than what we experience in your Ready Room. Please Kathryn, don't turn me away.”

Kathryn closed her eyes and swallowed a moan as his words brought forth the awareness between them. His words flowed over her, enveloping her in a world of bliss that she couldn't deny. The Captain and Kathryn were having a fierce struggled inside her head, but she knew who would win. Opening her eyes, she looked straight into soft, gentle, brown eyes that swirled with love and barely controlled desire. She couldn't deny what was happening between them anymore. She still had her doubts, she couldn't erase years of protocol in one night, but they could deal with them together. She loved this man, she wanted him, and she was going to have him. Kathryn won.

Making her decision she pushed all doubts aside and leaned in closer to him. Without taking her eyes from his she closed the distance between them until her lips met his. Gently, she stuck her tongue out and slowly traced his lips with the tip. She heard him groaned in the back of his throat as she placed her lips fully over his, prying his mouth open and deepening the kiss with a hunger that he readily matched. Their tongues once again played the game of dominance. When they parted both were breathing heavily, desire mirrored in each of their eyes.

"I won't turn you away, Chakotay. I love you and it feels so good to finally say it. I love you.”

Chakotay groaned and reached for her, pulling her in another crushing kiss. They stayed that way until the need for air forced them to part once again. Kathryn felt a tingling in her stomach and stared at Chakotay with hungry eyes.

"Make love to me, Chakotay. Make me lose control,” she whispered seductively.

"With pleasure, my love, with pleasure,” he answered as he lifted her in his arms and carried her into the bedroom.